Times like these

Monday was Kim's 21st birthday. Unfortunately I was not there to celebrate it with her. As the clock struck midnight and she became another milestone older and I had nothing but bittersweet words of congratulations to offer over a telephone line. This has been the story of my life lately though. It seems like every day I have been away from High school and away from my friends I become slightly more "disconnected." It is an ironic word I suppose.. In this age I remain connected to them in so many ways, most people I care about are only a click or a call away.. and yet I still feel a tremendous sense of distance times. It's not a sense of anger.. or jealously that I feel.. but rather a feeling of being lost.. Yet I'm "lost" in a place that has always been home to me. The people, the houses, the roads, the buildings, the jobs, and the community that have always brought me comfort are now offering it in more scarce amounts it seems. I know there are many roads to choose but I just don't know which is the right one.

I've enrolled in classes at Ivy Tech in Ft. Wayne. I'm going to Ivy Tech not by choice but more by circumstance. I tried to get into IPFW but got rejected. It is a hard thought to swallow even still. I couldn't even get into IPFW, the main Ft. Wayne community college. Some people make fun of me, and other people try to cheer me up and encourage me. Both concepts frusterate me. I either feel stupid, or feel like I'm being told what to do.

I'm the only one to blame for my destiny though. I gave up in Math in Highschool and struggled with Science. I took a placement test for IVY tech that placed me at a "Pre-Algebra" math level. The idea floors me. I'm so bad at Math I put myself as far back as middle school. Unfourtunately I need to be at a College level in Math before I can transfer to IPFW. That means several semesters of remedial Math. It makes me frusterated beyond words. In fact It is waste of me typing how much I struggle at Math because nobody can possible understand, and thus nobody can possibly offer advice that will not just frusterate me more.

I had to get alot of tutering from my cousin to pass the ISTEP back in Highschool. We spent alot of time in the Summer working on hypothetical math problems. To my amazement, I passed the test...barely.

Yet I learned two lessons from this: A. I can do any math I put my mind to. and B. It's probably not worth my energy.

It sucks,

Truthfully I'm excited to take college classes. I would love to take college level writing, English, History, and Social Studies classes yet I'm held back by this damn brain of mine that can't digest some uber smart politician's idea of correct "standards" of Mathmatics.

My family has been supportive-ish of me in my endevours though. I say ish merely because I pretty much haven't felt this lowley of myself and my ambitions since middle school. When I broke the news I wanted to take a break, I hoped for some positive reinforcment and some guidence.. But all I got was a feeling of disaproval. I have never felt so abandoned by those I thought I could count on. This is simply how I felt, and I can't just undue feelings because someone says to. But as I said supportive-ish before, I still maintain the "support" part. That is because I know they all mean the best for me. I know they don't want me to falter and be left with a path that I did not want, or choose.

I will try Ivy Tech. The best thing I can do is go in an try my best. If I dont make it at least I can dropout knowing that I gave it my best shot. I know this is the right thing to do.

In the meantime, I guess I have to just take things a day at a time. I can be thankful for what I have. I like my job and the people I work with. I feel like I have somewhat of a social life when I go into work on Friday and there is lots of people there. I can also be thankful for technology which is keeping me closer to my friends than I give credit to.

Alas I keep telling myself there is a place in this world for me somewhere. I will find it one of these days.

Thats all I got...

until next time,


sam