Tonight was a rough night. I suppose that's probably the reason I've decided to dust off the old blog.
My girlfriend and I had one of those discussions about the current status of our relationship and it's future and it was a little unsettling to me. Some of the reasons that brought on the discussion were misunderstandings, or lack of proper communication, but others were eye openers for me.
It is one these eye openers that I feel is worth discussing/ or at least blasting into the abyss of the worldwide web.
First of all, I have become (or rather have been) maintaining a very defeatist attitude about my weight. I bitch about it rather constantly, and she has been a sounding board for a lot of it. When I sit down and actually think about the sheer amount of time I have spent dwelling on it, or beating myself up over it, it becomes rather unsettling revelation, and I feel absolutely awful how much I must have annoyed her with it. The fact is she has been an incredible support to me on it, and it is unfair that I treat the weight issue with such negativity. Ultimately not only does the defeatism hurt our relationship but it hurts my progress of trying to lose the weight and most importantly make healthy choices. My weight has been an issue for a longtime and it has now been exactly one full year that I have worked to become healthier. This includes a goal of 5 days of physical activity per week and working on my ability to choose healthier foods/portions whenever possible. The truth is, when I put aside the negativity (that I haven't become skinny as a rail) and see that I have actually made a lot of progress it makes me feel good. I know this is a major thing I need to focus on. I have more energy, can run further, and have more endurance than I use to, and I have lost some poundage. Looking at the big picture I know I need to let myself feel a lot more proud of my accomplishments and not dwell on the things I haven't accomplished (some of which are probably unrealistic)
The other thing is concerned with my level of drive and maturity. I have matured and changed a lot but I need to keep growing/worker harder in the aspect of applying myself to the academics. I have been managing pretty good grades but I also need to admit to myself that I could have done a lot better if I cut down on the video games and worked harder on my studies. Programming is a key example, I let that class fall to the wayside and I probably could have done better if I applied myself more. Going forward in the future I wont have nearly the opportunities to slack of as I do now.
I find myself writing this because I think it is important to come clean to myself about how I've been acting and I hope it allows me to move forward.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Fundamental truths and why Wooderson was right
Today I thought of a quote from the character Wooderson(Matthew McConaughey)from the movie Dazed and Confused.
"The older you get, the more rules they are going to try and get you to follow. You just gotta keep on livin', man. L-I-V-I-N."
It is actually one of my favorite movies and favorite quotes.
It is kind of a personal motto to me.
And as I sit here and think of where I'm at in my life, and where I'm heading It makes sense.
I used to spend time thinking that I was a failure. In fact if you want to read about it just go back through my posts on here and read my xanga blog. What you will find is outright aggression towards my future.
I realized something this year, in order to find happiness, at least for myself, I must define my own successes. Because the fact is I can't live for other people and never will.
I think I have fought with that my whole life, the idea that I have to do the right thing, not for myself but for parents, family, friends, society, teachers, hell... anybody that is not ME.
I didn't try very hard in High School, and perhaps part of me regrets that but at the same time it is a blessing in disguise because it created such a unique situation for me.
I got out of high school and the last thing I wanted to do was jump right into college. And yet that was what I had been conditioned to believe. That was a stressful time in my life. My cousins had all went through Indiana University and it was as if I was "expected" to take the same path. My older cousin would call me periodically during my junior/senior year and make pitches about how I should go to IU.
I always said I was interested, and maybe to an extent I was, but it was always half-halfheartedly. I knew he just wanted to me to succeed and I'm really grateful for the caring thoughts I got from him and others but I couldn't help but feel like I was stuck being a product of the path my family had already created.
So when I didn't have an answer.. or a high school diploma worth a shit, I decided to take a semester/year off.
I fundamentally believe it was the best decision I could have made. It wasn't easy at the time. The system of friends/family/teachers that had been so supportive began to give me plenty of signals that I would end up nothing but a failure and that hurt a lot but I knew then and I know now that they just wanted the best for me.
What happened that summer and fall working at pizza hut cannot easily be explained without long winded poetic gobbledygook. Long story short I'm a big advocate for students taking a least a semester off before going to college. After going to Bloomington to visit Kim a few times, it was as if the comfort of living with my parents soon turned into a prison cell. I remember sitting in my room staring up at the ceiling one night with Bruce Springsteen's "Born to Run" still blasting in my eardrums and having a clear epiphany that I wasn't happy living with my parents anymore and that I was ready to move out. I had taken a few classes already but it was that moment that I knew I was ready to pursue an education for myself. It was a groundbreaking moment, and it was like it all made sense, I needed to do it for me and nobody else.
So I moved to Bloomington and took my first full time load of classes since high school and finished my first semester at with a 4.0 GPA. That felt pretty good, it felt good to be succeeding by myself like that. Somehow it just clicked for me, I tried hard in my classes and my effort was rewarded. I believe it made all the difference for me to be taking classes for myself, and not for some state mandated program, or because my family told me to.
I'm still finding my way.. and I don't pretend to know all the answers but one thing I have learned is that success in school comes from personal desire...one cannot force it. I see college students failing because their heart was never in it in the first place.
Parents and guidance counselors need to stop putting so much pressure on kids in high school to go to a 4 year college and get a degree as the only way to have a successful life, because it doesn't work that way. Times have changed. If they want a degree at a 4 year name-brand college let them decide that themselves.
One day when my mom and I were arguing about whether or not I would be a failure if I took a semester off I asked her "what happens to the kid who just wants to work after school, does anyone love him/her" It was a comment that came out of me while I was at the end of my rope but I stand by it. Seriously I think it is that bad at times that amidst the frustration parents don't see the big picture, In fact I had to print a web page off of the SAT government website that said "believe it or not taking a semester off is just fine!" I got so much flak for taking a semester off I can't imagine how bad it is for others. Society has to stop with the outright pressure and start offering more encouragement. Because the truth is not every person is built to succeed in the exact same way. We want to believe that every student has to go to a 4 year college right after high school, and it just doesn't work that way.
Right now I'm succeeding at a community college. I have an IVY Tech window sticker in the back of my car, and I might even buy a T-shirt from the book store. It makes me smile inside every time I see that sticker too because It reminds me that it is my school. Nobody else in my family except for Uncle (for a brief time) went to Ivy Tech. The experience is all my own, and the makes me extremely happy.
One of my bosses once told me something along the lines of "Only retards have to go to Ivy Tech" That used to linger in my mind and cause a lot of self doubt but what I have come to realize is that like I said before, if one learns to define one's own successes then happiness will follow, and in the end no matter what, the most important thing in life is to be happy.
and..All things considered, I think I'm pretty happy right now.
-Sam
"The older you get, the more rules they are going to try and get you to follow. You just gotta keep on livin', man. L-I-V-I-N."
It is actually one of my favorite movies and favorite quotes.
It is kind of a personal motto to me.
And as I sit here and think of where I'm at in my life, and where I'm heading It makes sense.
I used to spend time thinking that I was a failure. In fact if you want to read about it just go back through my posts on here and read my xanga blog. What you will find is outright aggression towards my future.
I realized something this year, in order to find happiness, at least for myself, I must define my own successes. Because the fact is I can't live for other people and never will.
I think I have fought with that my whole life, the idea that I have to do the right thing, not for myself but for parents, family, friends, society, teachers, hell... anybody that is not ME.
I didn't try very hard in High School, and perhaps part of me regrets that but at the same time it is a blessing in disguise because it created such a unique situation for me.
I got out of high school and the last thing I wanted to do was jump right into college. And yet that was what I had been conditioned to believe. That was a stressful time in my life. My cousins had all went through Indiana University and it was as if I was "expected" to take the same path. My older cousin would call me periodically during my junior/senior year and make pitches about how I should go to IU.
I always said I was interested, and maybe to an extent I was, but it was always half-halfheartedly. I knew he just wanted to me to succeed and I'm really grateful for the caring thoughts I got from him and others but I couldn't help but feel like I was stuck being a product of the path my family had already created.
So when I didn't have an answer.. or a high school diploma worth a shit, I decided to take a semester/year off.
I fundamentally believe it was the best decision I could have made. It wasn't easy at the time. The system of friends/family/teachers that had been so supportive began to give me plenty of signals that I would end up nothing but a failure and that hurt a lot but I knew then and I know now that they just wanted the best for me.
What happened that summer and fall working at pizza hut cannot easily be explained without long winded poetic gobbledygook. Long story short I'm a big advocate for students taking a least a semester off before going to college. After going to Bloomington to visit Kim a few times, it was as if the comfort of living with my parents soon turned into a prison cell. I remember sitting in my room staring up at the ceiling one night with Bruce Springsteen's "Born to Run" still blasting in my eardrums and having a clear epiphany that I wasn't happy living with my parents anymore and that I was ready to move out. I had taken a few classes already but it was that moment that I knew I was ready to pursue an education for myself. It was a groundbreaking moment, and it was like it all made sense, I needed to do it for me and nobody else.
So I moved to Bloomington and took my first full time load of classes since high school and finished my first semester at with a 4.0 GPA. That felt pretty good, it felt good to be succeeding by myself like that. Somehow it just clicked for me, I tried hard in my classes and my effort was rewarded. I believe it made all the difference for me to be taking classes for myself, and not for some state mandated program, or because my family told me to.
I'm still finding my way.. and I don't pretend to know all the answers but one thing I have learned is that success in school comes from personal desire...one cannot force it. I see college students failing because their heart was never in it in the first place.
Parents and guidance counselors need to stop putting so much pressure on kids in high school to go to a 4 year college and get a degree as the only way to have a successful life, because it doesn't work that way. Times have changed. If they want a degree at a 4 year name-brand college let them decide that themselves.
One day when my mom and I were arguing about whether or not I would be a failure if I took a semester off I asked her "what happens to the kid who just wants to work after school, does anyone love him/her" It was a comment that came out of me while I was at the end of my rope but I stand by it. Seriously I think it is that bad at times that amidst the frustration parents don't see the big picture, In fact I had to print a web page off of the SAT government website that said "believe it or not taking a semester off is just fine!" I got so much flak for taking a semester off I can't imagine how bad it is for others. Society has to stop with the outright pressure and start offering more encouragement. Because the truth is not every person is built to succeed in the exact same way. We want to believe that every student has to go to a 4 year college right after high school, and it just doesn't work that way.
Right now I'm succeeding at a community college. I have an IVY Tech window sticker in the back of my car, and I might even buy a T-shirt from the book store. It makes me smile inside every time I see that sticker too because It reminds me that it is my school. Nobody else in my family except for Uncle (for a brief time) went to Ivy Tech. The experience is all my own, and the makes me extremely happy.
One of my bosses once told me something along the lines of "Only retards have to go to Ivy Tech" That used to linger in my mind and cause a lot of self doubt but what I have come to realize is that like I said before, if one learns to define one's own successes then happiness will follow, and in the end no matter what, the most important thing in life is to be happy.
and..All things considered, I think I'm pretty happy right now.
-Sam
Friday, May 29, 2009
A cup of Ethics
Last night as I battled my insomnia I found myself reading a full page advertisement in my parents latest issue of TIME magazine. The add was for the most wondrous place on earth; Starbucks!
Well at least it it is wondrous to me. I have loved Starbucks ever since I had my first cup of Joe there several years ago. I consider myself to be somewhat of a coffee nerd. I know a little bit more about various blends, and origins, of the bean than do most consumers. So of course Starbucks is my place.
Really though, it doesn't take a connoisseur to love Starbucks. Most people I know have various favorite $4.50 cups of sugar, milk, and syrup that they love to order there. But it has been obvious in the recent economic situation that many regulars are now just going to Starbucks for the occasional treat.
It totally makes sense too, for the average coffee drinker the home coffee pot, as well as cheaper alternatives like McDonalds are become the ideal choice.
Anyways, this full page, wonderfully colored ad really caught my attention. It was advertising Starbucks on 3 points
1. We care about the farmers
2. We care about the quality
3. We care about the Employee
Surprisingly, the article didn't say anything about cost effectiveness, in fact it openly admitted consumers pay more for what they get at Starbucks. Initially this ad seems like idiocy, How in the world does this add make Starbucks seem appealing when everyone's biggest concern is their wallet.
But wait, maybe there is more to this that what it initially seems.
After doing a little bit of goggling, I realized that Starbucks clientele may not be in the older generations, they are the ones who are quickly turning to places like McDonalds for their caffeine fix...And really it makes perfect sense. When I think of my dad, he could care less about coffee. He laughs out loud everytime I'm in the kitchen grinding up my own premium beans instead of drinking his faucet water flavored coffee-ish substance.
However, it turns out the millennial generation still cares a bit about the experience of Starbucks because they are the ones who still prefer it. This also makes sense. The sophisticated atmosphere and hip feel of Starbucks plays into our generations psyche.
This is where the ethics come in. One of the ad's selling points was that Starbucks gives it's employees full health insurance at 20hrs a week. I couldn't believe that an advertisement would sell on a point like that.
But I think if there is one truth about the Millennial generation is that in general...We care.
We want to know that the higher powers above us doing things ethnically correct. Were not really the generation to turn a blind eye.
So here is where the advertisement might actually work. It speaks to those in the younger generation that
"Yes, maybe we can't offer prices, and we know the economy sucks, but what we can assure you is that when you buy a cup of joe starbucks your buying what is morally right. You know you're helping out farmers, and assuring that we can maintain a well trained and happy staff."
That's how I read it, and I think that is how others my age might read it too. It will be interesting to see in the future if this sort of advertising pays off. Starbucks has a tough road ahead but maybe they will find that ethics actually does sell the bean.
Well at least it it is wondrous to me. I have loved Starbucks ever since I had my first cup of Joe there several years ago. I consider myself to be somewhat of a coffee nerd. I know a little bit more about various blends, and origins, of the bean than do most consumers. So of course Starbucks is my place.
Really though, it doesn't take a connoisseur to love Starbucks. Most people I know have various favorite $4.50 cups of sugar, milk, and syrup that they love to order there. But it has been obvious in the recent economic situation that many regulars are now just going to Starbucks for the occasional treat.
It totally makes sense too, for the average coffee drinker the home coffee pot, as well as cheaper alternatives like McDonalds are become the ideal choice.
Anyways, this full page, wonderfully colored ad really caught my attention. It was advertising Starbucks on 3 points
1. We care about the farmers
2. We care about the quality
3. We care about the Employee
Surprisingly, the article didn't say anything about cost effectiveness, in fact it openly admitted consumers pay more for what they get at Starbucks. Initially this ad seems like idiocy, How in the world does this add make Starbucks seem appealing when everyone's biggest concern is their wallet.
But wait, maybe there is more to this that what it initially seems.
After doing a little bit of goggling, I realized that Starbucks clientele may not be in the older generations, they are the ones who are quickly turning to places like McDonalds for their caffeine fix...And really it makes perfect sense. When I think of my dad, he could care less about coffee. He laughs out loud everytime I'm in the kitchen grinding up my own premium beans instead of drinking his faucet water flavored coffee-ish substance.
However, it turns out the millennial generation still cares a bit about the experience of Starbucks because they are the ones who still prefer it. This also makes sense. The sophisticated atmosphere and hip feel of Starbucks plays into our generations psyche.
This is where the ethics come in. One of the ad's selling points was that Starbucks gives it's employees full health insurance at 20hrs a week. I couldn't believe that an advertisement would sell on a point like that.
But I think if there is one truth about the Millennial generation is that in general...We care.
We want to know that the higher powers above us doing things ethnically correct. Were not really the generation to turn a blind eye.
So here is where the advertisement might actually work. It speaks to those in the younger generation that
"Yes, maybe we can't offer prices, and we know the economy sucks, but what we can assure you is that when you buy a cup of joe starbucks your buying what is morally right. You know you're helping out farmers, and assuring that we can maintain a well trained and happy staff."
That's how I read it, and I think that is how others my age might read it too. It will be interesting to see in the future if this sort of advertising pays off. Starbucks has a tough road ahead but maybe they will find that ethics actually does sell the bean.
Friday, May 15, 2009
My Review of the Office (Season 5)
So the fifth season of The Office just ended and since I'm a rabid fan of the show I decided I would write a review. However if your expecting it right now I can't give it to you. That is because I'm actually going to go back and watch the entire season again and then write a somewhat "official review" I can say with experience that the office requires more than a single watch per episode to fully appreciate it.
What I do want to note are my initial feelings about this season and what I think it means for the show, and my perception of it.
Here is what I feel right now--These perceptions may change!
A. Dwight has changed too much. Post Angela break up he has become more level headed and even quasi "cool" at times. I'm not sure I understand this. I don't think hes nearly as funny now as he was when he was a complete fool.
B. Jim and Pam. They weren't nearly as fun to watch. I like the fact that the writers actually have them together and I hope it stays that way because it is highly original but what I don't like is how they forcefully injected the relationship with drama. I.E. Pam's parents splitting up, that was dumb, and what is worse is that it was resolved in 1 episode. I like the Office involving subplots that get solved over several episodes, something that Jim and Pam always was. It took them an ENTIRE season to get together, and I liked that because it seemed so natural. That is what evolving as a couple is, it takes time. I think the biggest problem with Jim and Pam is that they didn't explore that initial period of them "dating" we missed that over the summer pre season 4.
C. Not enough real office shenanigans. I know people will disagree with me here but I like the Office when it is seems almost real at times. I loved the episode the surplus for this reason. It was a simple plot with a start and an end in one episode and it portrayed the office workers realistically. Sometimes I feel the writers went a little bit overboard with plots this season. The die hard fans of the Office got into it for its subtleties and I wish the writers would keep it that way. They can't let the mock overtake the umentary.
D.The Andy Angela Dwight love triangle. It just fell flat for me. It seemed highly out of character for Angela to date Andy for so long and ever pretend to like him. The end was funny, but it was also a little over the top, and now Angelas character seems permanently flawed to me.
I felt like overall it was a good season, Initial score would be a B- and that is simply because I felt the show was good but overly Ambitious. I'm excited to see what a second run through will do for me.
What I do want to note are my initial feelings about this season and what I think it means for the show, and my perception of it.
Here is what I feel right now--These perceptions may change!
A. Dwight has changed too much. Post Angela break up he has become more level headed and even quasi "cool" at times. I'm not sure I understand this. I don't think hes nearly as funny now as he was when he was a complete fool.
B. Jim and Pam. They weren't nearly as fun to watch. I like the fact that the writers actually have them together and I hope it stays that way because it is highly original but what I don't like is how they forcefully injected the relationship with drama. I.E. Pam's parents splitting up, that was dumb, and what is worse is that it was resolved in 1 episode. I like the Office involving subplots that get solved over several episodes, something that Jim and Pam always was. It took them an ENTIRE season to get together, and I liked that because it seemed so natural. That is what evolving as a couple is, it takes time. I think the biggest problem with Jim and Pam is that they didn't explore that initial period of them "dating" we missed that over the summer pre season 4.
C. Not enough real office shenanigans. I know people will disagree with me here but I like the Office when it is seems almost real at times. I loved the episode the surplus for this reason. It was a simple plot with a start and an end in one episode and it portrayed the office workers realistically. Sometimes I feel the writers went a little bit overboard with plots this season. The die hard fans of the Office got into it for its subtleties and I wish the writers would keep it that way. They can't let the mock overtake the umentary.
D.The Andy Angela Dwight love triangle. It just fell flat for me. It seemed highly out of character for Angela to date Andy for so long and ever pretend to like him. The end was funny, but it was also a little over the top, and now Angelas character seems permanently flawed to me.
I felt like overall it was a good season, Initial score would be a B- and that is simply because I felt the show was good but overly Ambitious. I'm excited to see what a second run through will do for me.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Concerning media piracy.
I read an article on CNN today about the leak of the recent Xmen movie before it was even in theaters. It was a real sad story, about how an industry with over a 10 BILLION dollar surplus was going to lose box office sales because some tech theifs manage to steal their movie and release it on the web.
It is true, I speak with an element of sarcasm in that last paragraph. The reason is because I do not feel bad for Hollywood and in general I do not feel bad for people getting their digital property stolen.
Call me a renegade, but the fact is times have changed. If people ask me why I pirate a song, the simple truth is because to me, the value of music in monetary terms is not what it used to be. In fact it is incredibly low, next to nothing. The thing about it is, music used to be records, tapes, cds. Physical objects that one had tangible ownership to them. Plus there was validity in the idea of having a physical, viewable collection of tunes.
Then came the Mp3 file and everything changed. Music was no longer a physical object, it was a tiny section of memory on a computers hard drive. At that moment, music would never be the same again especially in price. Yet the artists didn't lower the price for awhile after the release of music trading sites. Even now music is still overpriced.
I relate it to the PC itself. Back in the day a personal computer was a big deal. It was hard not to spend like 1000.00 on a machine, that in today's standards was absolute basic. Now you can get a PC to do the same thing, for like 450.00 Why? Because the technology behind making computers changed, they were easier to produce and their value (for the most part) fell in place for what they are actually worth.
Music and movies have never done that.
What I said about mp3s can also be applied to AVI/MPG files. In my mind, they decreased the real value of movies. And what have the movie theaters done? The JACKED up their prices even more. I'm now required to view a movie in theaters for the absolute asinine price of 9.00. That is a complete ripoff, for something that (given services like netflix) I can watch at home on my PC for a fair price.
I understand the value in going to the theaters for the screens and concessions, the whole "experience of it" But come on... 9 bucks is stupid.
The industry needs to realize that times and monetary value of movies/music has changed. Unfortunately the thought of them losing even a tiny bit of their plush empire keeps the prices way to high.
So, people will keep pirating, and I will keep supporting that.
Sam
-Internet Revolutionary Soldier ;-)
It is true, I speak with an element of sarcasm in that last paragraph. The reason is because I do not feel bad for Hollywood and in general I do not feel bad for people getting their digital property stolen.
Call me a renegade, but the fact is times have changed. If people ask me why I pirate a song, the simple truth is because to me, the value of music in monetary terms is not what it used to be. In fact it is incredibly low, next to nothing. The thing about it is, music used to be records, tapes, cds. Physical objects that one had tangible ownership to them. Plus there was validity in the idea of having a physical, viewable collection of tunes.
Then came the Mp3 file and everything changed. Music was no longer a physical object, it was a tiny section of memory on a computers hard drive. At that moment, music would never be the same again especially in price. Yet the artists didn't lower the price for awhile after the release of music trading sites. Even now music is still overpriced.
I relate it to the PC itself. Back in the day a personal computer was a big deal. It was hard not to spend like 1000.00 on a machine, that in today's standards was absolute basic. Now you can get a PC to do the same thing, for like 450.00 Why? Because the technology behind making computers changed, they were easier to produce and their value (for the most part) fell in place for what they are actually worth.
Music and movies have never done that.
What I said about mp3s can also be applied to AVI/MPG files. In my mind, they decreased the real value of movies. And what have the movie theaters done? The JACKED up their prices even more. I'm now required to view a movie in theaters for the absolute asinine price of 9.00. That is a complete ripoff, for something that (given services like netflix) I can watch at home on my PC for a fair price.
I understand the value in going to the theaters for the screens and concessions, the whole "experience of it" But come on... 9 bucks is stupid.
The industry needs to realize that times and monetary value of movies/music has changed. Unfortunately the thought of them losing even a tiny bit of their plush empire keeps the prices way to high.
So, people will keep pirating, and I will keep supporting that.
Sam
-Internet Revolutionary Soldier ;-)
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
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