We've got tonight

It's been dawning on me lately. Changes are definitely coming...

It hit me hard tonight...

As I looked in the cabinets for a late meal, the only choice was Ramen noodles. Our cabinets are usually fairly full but we didn't want to hit the grocery store again before break. For some reason it just really made me depressed. Maybe it was the back drop of the kitchen table littered with what seems like the majority of our belongings.

We haven't had this much stuff packed up since we moved in. It's only been what... 5 months? Seems like much longer tonight though.

It's hard to believe how quick this place became home to me. I feel comfortable in this apartment. When we first moved in I remember vaguely how it seemed like a hotel room. It's so much more than that now... I told myself that the place would only be home if we filled it with memories to make it seem like one... even in 5 months I can definitely say we did that.

When I come back I hope it will still feel like the same place. We will have a new roommate then. I hope she likes me. I mean sure I'm friends with her but living with her will be a very interesting experience. I can't help but admit my discomfort with the situation. I was never really supposed to be in this situation to begin with. The only reason I'm living here is because she took up an internship in Florida which would have left Kim alone, and paying a disproportionate amount of rent. I feel like when she moves in I will be a third wheel of sorts. After all she never really wanted to live with me--that was never her original choice. I can only hope that I will make a good roommate; and we will get along. If we don't I'm on my own to figure out where to live next year. It's a hard thought to swallow, especially when this place is really starting to feel like home.

Also when I get back, I will be starting a new Major. It's computer networking, something I'm still not sure is the right choice. I like computers and all but I can't help but wonder if it's really what I want to do... or if ill even be cut out for it. If I fail.. It's back to the drawing board...all this uncertainty is really stressing me out.

I will also be turning 21 right when I get back. I'm excited as hell... what college student isn't? But as I ate dinner with my two cousins last night one of them made a good point; Turning 21 is the last age landmark that counts until death..something which is rather depressing.

I feel like there is an iceberg looming ahead of me and I feel like I have to somehow chart "the ship of life" around it without collision, and I'm very worried I'll sink like the Titanic.

I feel like sort like a rolling stone, like that Bob Dylan song.. It's a very weird feeling to not even know what the entire near future holds for me. I'm just going through life like a rolling stone right now.

I need to go to bed so I can travel tomorrow, my road warrior instinct (which I owe to my family) is telling me I need to roll, but I just can't let tonight go..

It all makes sense right now...... and when I come back in like 20 days, everything will be different.. like some kind of an alternate reality.

Lord Beer me strength,

Merry Christmas all

Nevermind this post

Election Day

Tomorrow is it. The Culmination of 21 months of the Official Obama campaign. For me it's more like the culmination of 4 years.

It seemed like so long ago, and yet so fresh in my memory..

I was watching the Democratic National Committee with my cousin when this dude named Barack Obama took the stage, I had never heard of him before but when he was done I was completely choked up. What was so remarkable about his speech that day was that he managed to strike a something inside of me that I beleive is at the core of America and everything we symbolize; Hope.

I remember thinking back then wouldn't it amazing if Barack Obama would one day be president. Of course back then it was nothing but a daydream. He was black, and nobody thought America was ready for a black president. Still I thought I might live to see the day Obama became president.

That day came sooner than later.

When he announced his campaign I made my first political contribution. It was 5 dollars. That 5 dollars was one of the first 100,000 donations to his campaign. A campaign that now has millions of donors.

These 21 months following this campaign have been awesome. I got to meet Obama twice, I also got to do a good amount of volunteer work. I started dialogues with random strangers in front lawns and parking lots that I will never forget. I stayed up watching every single primary.

When we were up I rejoiced and blasted Springsteen, when were down I listened to his primary speech in New Hampshire, where he coined his slogan YES WE CAN!

No matter what the outcome tomorrow, even if he wins in a landslide, I write tonight with a sleepless heavy heart because I know that the last 21 months were so historical and so powerful that I don't think myself or this nation will fully grasp it for years to come.

People ask why I donated to Obama, or why I volunteerd for him and I always respond with things like "I beleive we need change" or "we need to fix the economy" but really it's more than that. It has to do with the American spirit and progress.

Maybe it's silly but I beleive my part in this campaign is part of a historical tradition. It started with ragtag patriots, with Thomas Paine, and it continued with the spirt of pioneers and immigrants, the progressives, with FDR, and Kennedy, with Martin Luther king, and Civil Rights. the list goes on...I feel like I helped write another page of American history. My spirit is the same spirit hidden within the photographs of the crowd outside the Washington Monument listening to Martin Luther King's dream. The same spirit of the soldiers at Valley Forge who gave all for the cause of Indepdendence when it was all too bleak, the same spirit that drove African Americans to freedom rides and sit ins.

Whenever I felt like the road was too hard for Obama, and trust me there were, this is what I remembered.

Tomorrow I will not vote for myself, I will vote for America. I will vote for the Millions of people who need my vote, and the millions still yet to come.

We can heal this country, we can give liberty and opportunity and hope to all.... I beleive this.

YES WE CAN

Why part of me is Fundamentalist Christian

Did the title get your attention?

I figured it would.

Yesterday I was nearby the planned parenthood here in Bloomington. I was dropping Kim of to one of her classes and she pointed out a middle aged man in a black jacket and khaki pants holding a rosary and silently reading a small piece of paper standing in the parking lot adjacent Planned Parenthood. As we were stopped at the stop light I found myself fixated on him. Kim said she saw him out there just the previous day as well.

He seemed so attuned to his task. He kept his head bowed and never stopped to look at his surroundings. I wondered to myself what he could be praying for. It was a stupid question really... He must have been praying to save unborn children. He must have been asking God to cleanse the building of what evils a death took place withen it's walls.

As the light turned green and we drove away I said to kim

"Doesn't that seem kind of stupid,"

Yet as soon as I said it I knew I had made a mistake. Inside I immediately knew that I had spoke that without realizing the full scope of my words. The first voice that spoke was my Liberal voice, the one that governs most of thought but unfortunately the Liberal voice is not always the most compromising.

In retrospect I had a sense of admiration for the man. He reminded me a lot of myself.

Just this last May I stood outside of a polling place near my hometown and held an Obama sign for 5 hours. This was my election day objective as given to me by my campaign coordinator. It might seem like a stupid task to most but I carried it out with zeal. I stood for those 5 hours with pride knowing that I was serving my cause and creating visibility. Sure my legs hurt, I got rained on a couple times, and I got a bunch of dirty looks but I was a soldier on the front lines....

I think that the man at Planned Parenthood was in a similar situation. Perhaps he was sent to do that by his church. There was something oddly powerful about him. Perhaps it was the rosary hanging from his hands. Rosarys I have always associated with Catholicism and archaic traditions from it's past. He was not a protester. He did not appear to be wanting to garner attention, he was merely there to pray for his cause...and like me standing outside of the polling place, he stood there with concentration and zeal.

There are those in my Liberal Circle of family and friends who will probably think that ideas like this are blasphemous but I have always had a sort of admiration for the Pro-Life community.

It comes back to my Adoption. When speaking about politics with people I like to mention that I'm a product of Pro-Life ideologies. I don't know very much about my adoption but I know that my birth mother was a christian and that she chose the option of life because she knew in her heart and through her faith that it was the right one. It is something that I shall be forever grateful for. Part of me wonders if there was any Pro-Life influences that might have guided her during her days of decision. I find it hard to believe she couldn't have....

This is one of the main reason why beliefs are pretty much aligned with Fundamentalist Christians on abortion. I think the value of a human life overrides the woman or the mans choice to avoid the life altering complications. I think the life cycle of a human being is the essence of beauty. A child is so full of life, and hope, and happiness. I just don't understand how people could chose abortion.

I understand a woman's right to choose, and it is her body but the thought of anyone killing an unborn child is horrible and inexcusable. My birth mother could have chosen abortion and I would not be here typing this now, and every little effect of I have had on the microcosms of this world would never have happened. That story is the story of every unborn child though.

I'm sorry If I have gotten to into politics, this has been something on my mind for awhile and when I saw the man standing with the rosary I felt compelled to express it.

For some reason I got enspired to write before bed, here's what I got. I haven't written poetry in awhile but I think I struck something good here....

The Old Maple

Once there stood a maple tree.

It was tall and grand

It’s arms reached out like wooden arms

And It’s trunk was thick and Deep

When I was a child

I would swing underneath its shady branches

Singing my favorite songs with Dad

The basket swing would creak and sway in the breeze

The old maples strong arms held the old basket swing tight

Wind would caress my face, swinging free

The old Maple saw my first friendship

A summer afternoon

Two young boys

Swinging on the tree

The tire swing flying high into the air

Pushing, higher, highern higher.

In the fall it would drop thousands of colored leaves all over the lime green grass

The painter’s palette of leaves would crunch under our feet

We would rake them into giant piles and jump into them crashing and crunching

The Old Maple shielding us from the gray skies

In the cold winters

It would watch us as we built snow forts

And sledded down the giant mounds of snow

And when Night came

The old tree watched us walk into our warm homes and shake off our snow covered clothes

Eventually there was no tire swing, or basket swing

No leaf raking or snow fort building.

Only an old Maple Tree looking on

It’s ancient limbs becoming aged and weak

One day the old Maple was gone

Cut down to nothing but a stump of rotten wood

The yard where we played as kids seemed so empty

And the Old Maple which watched us grow up was gone.

epiphany

In my family suicide has been a topic of discussion lately. It's a dark and grim topic to say the least. Sadly one of my cousin's cousin's committed the act last weekend and the cousin's and their cousin's have been reeling from the loss this week. I know "Cousin's cousin's" sounds odd and perhaps a little funny, sort of a he said she said gaffe but actually our families have always been closer than most average families I would say. This has been a difficult thing and I send my absolute sympathy to the family suffering from this tragic loss.

The topic of Suicide stirred a discussion in our family about High School and the cruelty of peers. The cousin who killed himself was in High School. I should make clear that this post is in no way associating any of the trauma that the student had with hardships suffered at school but that it was merely the segway for discussion within my immediate family.

I have a story I want to get off my chest.

Foremost I should say, I don't want to condemn schools for their lack of bullying control or rant about how much I did or did not suffer myself.

Instead I just want to share a bullying experience that has stayed with me from Middle School...In this case the story is about me being the bully and not coming to the full realization of it until 7 years later.

Names have obviously been changed.
----------------------

It was one of those typical days in middle school. It was lunch time and the rumors of the day were spreading across the tables of various clicks at our school. The big news of the day was that one of the less popular, and often teased kids in my class, "Bill" had written a sappy love letter to one of the more popular girls "Sarah" asking her to the upcoming dance. Sarah was a girl who I coincidentally had somewhat of a crush on.

Unfortunately for Bill, Sarah did not like Bill and so like many immature kids at the kids, she passed his letter on to all of her friends to laugh at. By lunch time it was common knowledge and everyone was laughing at Bill's expense.

I thought it was funny... I teased the kid from time to time. He was one of those guys who had a short temper and got into a lot fights because of it.

I should admit at this point that I'm a bastard, there is no getting around it... But at the same time I can also say Middle School was a bitch and I got teased very badly too. The cold reality of life at my middle school was surviving the social pyramid at which one placed themself on everyday.

When I teased kids who were beneath me on the Social Pyramid I inevitably felt better about myself. At the time I was a miserable wreck of adolescence dealing with the fact that life in middle school was all about submission. Submission to teachers, parents, the fact bodily attributes are changing and making self esteem at an all time low.

So anyways my next memory of the day is as I'm preparing to leave to go home. I remember feeling good because I knew my older cousin was coming to pick me up (He was a High School student at the time.) Riding home with him was absolutely cathartic at the time. There has never been anything in my life more therapeutic than driving home on those middle school afternoons listening to Heavy Metal. We never talked. My cousin would just crank the stereo up and I sat back and let all the frustrations of the day pour out me with the sound of the music that my parents probably would have not approved me listening to had Napster not put it out of their control.

Anyways I'm leaving the school and I'm totally pumped. I see that my cousin has his car parked next to the sidewalk a ways down from the doors and I begin walking towards his car.

A few steps ahead of me is the aforementioned Bill leaving school after his love interest had just embarrassed him and turned him down for the dance.

I felt a surge of confidence I suppose, I felt it was a good opportunity to be the angry asshole middle school kid I was a kick the poor guy while he was down,

I called out to him "Hey Bill, nice love letter you wrote to Sarah!!" Within seconds he was in my face with his fist clenched around the neck of my shirt meeting my face with a fiery look. He said something along the lines of "I will fucking kick your ass shafer" I remember feeling pretty scared. After all Bill was well known for getting it fights and I was more of a wuss myself. It seemed to happen extremely quick.

The next memory is of my cousin emerging from his car and crying out "HEY!" in a very threatning voice to Bill who was borderline strangling me. Without further action Bill took off walking, and I remember thinking he must have been scared away by my cousin. I gathered my composure and walked to the car where my cousin was waiting. I remember saying "Thanks, hes such a faggot" or something equally immature.

With that said I entered his car and we listened silently all the way home as we always did. At the time I remember thinking that the gesture in the parking lot was the coolest thing my cousin did for me in back in those years.

But now I realize that I never deserved his protection.

What I did that day was wrong. There is no excuse for what I did.

Last night I had an epiphany about this memory that I've carried for so long.

Bill probably had one of the worst days of his life that day. At least it would have been for me if something like that happend. The poor guy just wanted a girl he liked to go to the dance with him. He even created the letter for her on his computer. This was a big deal for him and it blew up in his face.

The comment I made to him as I left would have made me want to kill somebody if I was in his shoes. He was on his way out of school probably ready to put the day behind him and there I was to rub his misfourtune in his face again.

I used to believe that what happend that day was just one notch in the endless hell that was my time at Middle School. Collateral Damage.

I do not believe that anymore. I feel absolutely awful about what I did. If there was a way for me to go back into the past and act differently I would.

I think I understand now how messed up middle school was

I became a bully through the very system that should prevent bullying.
The pain I feel right now is every bit deserved....
If only I knew then what I know now........

First one down

I have officially been living in Bloomington for 1 week and 3 days now. For the most part it is begenning to feel more normal.

I completed my first week of classes and I feel good about going to Ivy Tech here. It doesn't feel that much different than Ft Wayne. There is more people and I never actually had any classes at the main campus in Ft. Wayne as opposed to the 3 classes I have at the main campus here.

I love the culture here. Liberalism is not just a political stance here it is a lifestyle.

Kim and I watched the Democratic National Convention with my aunt and uncle here and talked a great deal of politics. It's so interesting the stark differences between Ossian and here. My aunt and Uncle were utterly shocked at how "Conservative" our high school was about teaching Darwin's theory of Evolultion, and sex education. I always just took this for granted than Norwell was like any public high school.

I'm still trying to maintain my healthier lifestyle here. Eating healthy isn't to hard. Kim and I buy generally only healthy things from the grocery store. Convienantly we have a Marsh right across the street from us and we both have Marsh cards which have already saved us quite a bit of cash.

I'm still working out too. Trying to play tennis or jog at least every other day. We have a great trail for jogging fairly close to our house. We walked there the other day but it was too long for an enjoyable walk.

Hope everyone is well,

Sam

Sam VS the Internet Woes

Hey everyone,

Just thought I would let you know how I'm doing. I'm begenning to feel more settled here in Bloomington. My classes started yesterday.

Im taking Creative Writing, Introduction to Political Science, Math 044, and American History II.

My history class doesn't start until Friday but I have got my first taste of my other three. I'm looking forward to my Creative Writing and Political Science. It's been awhile since I have done some good creative writing and I'm really exciting about writing again. It's always been on my mind as a major and maybe this class will get me some more taste of that field of study.

Also I think it will be exciting to take political science during this election season. My last political science class which I took senior year of high school was rather bland because of there wasn't really a lot going on in the world of politics.

The apartment is nice. The only annoyance so far has been the internet-- and it was a rather bad one. For some reason the last two days our internet was lagging badly and it made web surfing irritating and online games impossible. Thankfully I was able to get a hold of the company that runs our broadband lines and it appears (Fingers crossed) that they fixed it. My Uncle thought it might be because of excessive bandwidth usage in our apartment complex but the lag issue was prevalent literally every hour of the day!

This problem was so irritating to me... maybe to an extent--- a little more so than it should have been. However this was the first time it really hit me that I was on my own. Back home I would have been able to get my parents or my uncle to help with me but here I'm on my own to deal with technical issues-- and really ALL issues for that matter.

So begins my journey of living on my own :-)



-Sam

Greetings from B-Town

Hello from B-Town everyone,

Below are a few pics of the apartment. I apologize about the blurriness of some of the pictures. My camera was struggling to take good pictures today... either that or I'm simply bad at operating it. Either way this will give you a little taste of our humble abode. We are mostly moved in now. It was extremely hot today and yesterday and between moving all of our things in, getting all the appliances to work, and running errands to buy essentials or items we forgot, we are pretty tired. Last night we both slept pretty well and look to do the same tonight. So far things are going pretty well around here. Other than a major shouting match between the neighbors catty-corner to us we haven't had any distractions and the place seems pretty cozy. It's hard to believe that I'm really living here though! It still seems kinda like the first day or two in a hotel room, there is still such a foreign feel to it. However the place is begenning to look more and more homey and most of the major projects are done at least for me! Kim still wants to paint her. I'm not super homesick. I got to see my cousin, and my aunt and uncle today which was nice. It's good knowing that family isn't far away. I think once my classes start and I get more used to the apartment and my surroundings this place will feel more like "home". I hope everyone is doing well and I will try to update this blog as frequently as I can.

Heres to my first year away from home

Update

Hello, to all those who still by chance read this.

It has been awhile since I have posted and I understand this blog has gone perhaps a little to the wayside.

Nonetheless I thought I would make an update.


I finished my first semester of college at Ivy Tech and got two B's. One of the B's came from English 111 which I'm quite proud of because some of the writing assignments in that class were very difficult and pushed my writing ability in ways that it hadn't been pushed in High School.

I'm glad Summer is here. All my friends are home and it looks like it will be a pretty fun Summer.

I'm taking my first college level History course starting next week and I'm excited as well about that. I'm considering History as a potential major down the road and I think my first taste of the college level history will give me a good impression of what the road ahead might be like.

I'm made a promise to myself back in January... (No not a resolution) That I would become more active and healthy this summer. So far I think I'm doing pretty well. I have been going over to my grandparents several days a week to use their stationary bike and treadmill. I also have recently rekindled my love for Tennis. I went out and bought a new racket and plan to play as often as I can this summer.

Things are looking up



Sam

Answers

Life is complicated. Perhaps this is one of the few things I have come to fully grasp in my youth. I wish the answers were easier to find.

I've never really been a go-getter. I know I can do stuff if I put my mind to it. Yet much of my life I have spent coasting. Maybe I chose, and still do choose to coast because its the most comfortable thing to do, yet part of me thinks that I'm just seeking an answer. I'm trying to figure out who I am.

I don't think finding oneself is something that can be accomplished by step by step directions passed down by those who have walked the roads before. Maybe it's the crazy transcendentalist ideals in me that makes me say this, but I really believe happiness can only be found by individuality. Even if it is in the smallest form.

Some nights I sit awake feeling trapped in my own room. I suppose a large part of it is loneliness. I miss my friends and my girlfriend, who are all off at college, hours away from me. This is not something I can be bitter about. To quote the rock band Creed "I created my own Prison" At the same time I cannot deny my feelings. I'm not happy with where I'm at right now.

I'm doing okay in school. I can't say I especially like it. I'm pleased that I'm able to do it. I seriously doubted I would have the ability to even function in the school environment ever again. However as of now I'm really not learning much and I seriously doubt at times I have the self discipline or the desire to stick with it.

The fact is, I'm not really a school person. With the utmost honesty, I can say that the main reason I'm in school is because of pressure from family, friends, and peers. I understand that it is a means to an end. I understand the job market is for shit right now and education or training is essential to secure a good job. I hate feeling like this though. Part of me feels like a quitter for thinking this.

I want a good job. Who doesn't? However what I don't want is to spend a bunch of time in school chasing after a pie in the sky. The sad truth of life is that education doesn't always lead to happiness. I find myself wondering if college is the right choice for me. This is part of my quest for answers.

Kim and I have been together for almost 2 years. We have talked strongly about a future together, and I want to be able to make a decent wage and live comfortably.

Part of me wishes there was a giant store of road maps for life that I could go to and find just the right answers I've been looking for. While I may be idealistic, I certainly have the sense to know that such fantasies are a waste of time.

I've been thinking about a two-year degree in some type of future oriented technological job. I want to find a career that isn't too hard to get into, but offers good opportunity for advancement. I like earning achievements, I do. I wish I could apply this to future endevours as a student but there is so much useless crap that I have to trudge through will almost no immediate gratification. Call me lazy.. but it's not worth my time to chase after something I won't receive any benefit from until years down the road.

Yet another part of me wishes I could be a famous writer or radio personality working out of my home and being entertained by my work.

In any case, I'm still looking for answers however cryptic they might be.

Spring is on it's way.. I think

Heres to good times, and warm weather ahead,




Sam

February Stars

I apologize for the hiatus, I can't say I've been in too much of the mood to write lately. The creative energy just hasn't been there I guess.

However as I sit down tonight with a hot mug of Lipton's bedtime story tea and the music of Dave Brubeck playing softly I find my mind wandering and forming the thoughts required for a blog post.

As many know, I started school again. I'm officially a freshmen at Ivy Tech Community College Ft. Wayne. I was pleasantly surprised at how well the transition went. I was struggling with quite a bit of apprehension going into it. However college class isn't too much different from high school. It's a lot better though in the fact that students are actually treated like adults.

It's funny, in High School teachers always preached about treating us like adults but in one way or another they rarely actually did. Attendance was mandatory, homework was mandatory, and one had to raise their hand to use the bathroom. It was impossible not to feel trapped in a dungeon at times. Not to say that we didn't find ways to escape the reality of force fed education.
I like to think that I thrived in the classes that allowed the most freedom. For instance, Yearbook class. That was a class regarded by almost the entire student body as a pure "blow-off" class. Yet I used my time in their to transform the school's laughing-stock of a newspaper into a halfway decent and consistently read newspaper. I guess I have always been so strongly against the grain when it comes to education though. K-12 schooling is all about numbers, statistics, and grades. When it came to learning I found only a handful of classes that really allowed students to learn for the benefit of mind and soul rather than grades. I like to think that my creative writing class junior year really improved my writing ability. Not only that, but it allowed me to embrace my writing, to trust that what I had to say was important even if it was only important to myself. Sure there were grades in that class but mainly for just turning in work. I don't think I ever embraced a class so much. Even to this day I think the writing I produced in that class really pushed me as a writer and the result was some of the best quality writing I have ever created...... by the way Mrs. J if you ever read this...you are the best!

Anyways, in a nutshell college is pretty cool. I like the atmosphere, the freedom, and the really diverse mix of people in all my classes.

Yeah I would say, I'm content with life right now.

-To be continued.

My Great Aunt Toodoo

I once said that one of the reasons I blog is because it's therapeutic to me. Tonight I want to reflect on something that is of emotional significance to me. I hope that writing this will provide me some salve on the emptiness I feel right now.

I got the news yesterday that my Great aunt "toodoo" as we have always called her is on her death bed.

Toodoo was my favorite relative as a young kid. I remember hearing news of her coming to Ossian or us taking a trip to her hometown of Elgin Illinois and that always seemed to lift my young spirit. There was something about her that just made me happy. Perhaps it was that she loved to be around kids and would always spoil her "grandchildren" with gifts and affection. More than that it was her natural lovingness towards me that made me feel good. Toodoo was someone that would make me feel so special just by all the attention she would give me. Some of my fondest memories of her are the nice spring and summer days when she would walk me down town in the stroller where we would watch the cars drive by.

When I was just a few days old I received my first teddy bear. It was a rather plain looking bear that I would later call just simply by the name "bear." The bear was given to me by Toodoo. The bear was like my "blanky" as a kid. I would never sleep without it and would always regard it as my most important belonging. I loved that bear because it came from my favorite aunt. The bear served as a constant reminder of her. At that time seeing Toodoo was not a common event. She lived in Illinois and then in Iowa for awhile.

As I grew older I never lost my fondness for her. In grade school and early middle school I remember the occasional phone call from her. We would talk on the phone for great lengths of time and I would tell her about all my classes and my teachers. I remember her always asking if "I had found a girlfriend yet." She would always tease me about things like that, in a loving way of course. I just remember talking about anything and everything. When she came to town I would show her all my toys and video games, and the funny thing was she always seemed interested. It was as if she was just pleased to spend time with me.

It was shortly after that we found out she was in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's. With some effort my family was able to get her moved from Elgin or Iowa... wherever she was living, into a small apartment in Ossian where we could provide care to her if needed.

Toodoo lived only a block from my house then. I remember going over there often with my cousin and brother. At that time Toodoo was still "with it" for the most part. She watched TV, made food for herself on occasion, and was able to carry on real conversations. It was nice, I remember thinking that too. In a sense it was almost as if to me "she belonged there" For many years as a kid I had always wished Toodoo would come live in Ossian.

I had heard alzhemiers was a disease that progressively got worse. Unfortunately I didn't realize how swift it would happen. Within 3 years Toodoo's physical deterioration along with much more severe Alzheimer's proved too much a risk for her to be living alone. That was when my family made the decision to move her to the nursing home.

Now at 90 years of age that is where she will spend her final days. 3 more years of worsening Alzheimer's has put her in a near vegetative state. Yet in her final years she was well cared for. Not only was she well cared for but she was well liked by the other patients and staff. My friend who worked there for a short stint would tell me how Toodoo would always smile when he walked in the room. She would sometimes point at him and smile. I do miss Toodoo's smile.

Today I made my way over to the nursing home. Toodoo's room was already filled with some of my family and the occasional resident or nurse dropping in to give what had the tone of their final respects to Toodoo.

She was breathing from a machine and lay lifeless in the bed. It is unknown for sure how long she will live but it appears that this is the final leg of her very long, and very good life.

This is something the whole family knew would come. I know it sounds morbid, but I want her to finally go.... to finally find peace.

I had Imagined this time would be less emotional, however as I sat beside Toodoo's bed side I found myself remembering the Toodoo that I knew as a child and thinking how much I missed her.

Part of me blames myself for not making more time to go out and visit with her, and yet the other part does not. Perhaps it is selfish of me, but I have wanted to remember Toodoo in the way that I once knew her rather than the result of her disease.

I wish I could introduce her to Kim, I wish I could show her my writing and tell her all about my college classes. I wish I could tell her about my friends and my job but I can't.

I've talked recently with my Uncle about death and what happens after it. I don't pretend to be the religious type. I don't know if there is a heaven, but if there is, I certainly hope Toodoo finds a place there. She deserves it. Her heart was bigger than her body.

I remember her always telling me about how much she enjoyed our walks in the stroller when I was young. She would always comment about how I would find a bench say now"Now this is where we rest."

I wish I could tell her that one last time, someplace where she isn't crippled by disease. Some place where the air feels pleasant and the trees are green, we would find a comfortable bench. I would pass the day telling her about all that I have become......and I know she would be proud.

"Now this is where we rest"

of Politics and Race

So I heard this idea called Micro blogging. It is the concept of blogging in short, frequent posts. I kind of like the idea, so forgive me if some of the posts seem a little short, or a little rushed. Since I need to get to bed in just a few tonight will be my first admitted "Micro-Blog"

So I watched the democratic- nevada- caucus- front-runner-debate tonight on MSNBC.

I thought it was fairly bland. The majority of it was the three candidates agreeing that the Democratic party will effectively unite; and in turn "pwn" (online lingo for OWN/prove better than) the Republican party in 08.

Which hopefully will be the case. There is been 3 primaries for the GOP and 3 winners. It appears that the GOP just can't find a candidate to unite around. Ain't that a shame

My observations:

John Edwards: Dude your a good man but I can't beleive you describe your "strength" as the ability to care for the little guy, but your "weakness" is that you care "too much." I mean, I know that is a land mine of a question but that is about the lamest answer you could possibly give. My advice to you is to go out in a blaze of glory by dropping out and throwing your support behind Barack.

Hillary Clinton: You looked pretty old tonight. Unfortunately for Barack Obama though your debate performance was pretty good.

Barack (da' man) Obama: Well played. Not your best, but then again what can you do when the debate hosts only ask questions in which every candidate agrees on.

The main gripe I have about tonight is the issue of race. Hillary and Barack may have declared a truce to their bickering but it doesn't change the fact that people DO vote on race. Obama tried to tone down race all right by saying that people choose on candidate on the issues, and this is very true; however they also choose a candidate on personality, appearance, religion, sex, family life, voting record and by golly the color of skin.

It's funny how the gas station clerk in town always tries to tell me that "Obama will never get elected, this country is too prejudiced. I certainly hope he isn't right. But at the same time when I think about it, I want Obama to be elected for a myriad of reasons, one of the main ones is because he is black. I think overcoming racial barriers is a damn good thing, and it's something this country needs. At the same time I know there is probably people out there who will vote against Obama simply because he is black. I'm young, but I'm not that naive.

As much as Hillary and Obama may want to divert the issue, it doesn't change the fact that it is what it is. Obama is black, Hillary is a woman; and both are trying very hard to be the "first"

Thats my two

Politics as usual.

I have really taken a long break from this. Which I apologize to not only you (my faithful viewers) but to myself for letting the animated violence of new video games, and creating a perfect iTunes playlist of all the songs from Guitar Hero III kept me from writing.

I thought I would start with a long winded introduction concerning the finer points of my Christmas and New Year, yadayada. But after a quick calender check it appears that it is January 9th. The Holidays are all but a thing of the past.

Here is whats new with me:

I start school January 15th. I'm starting off slow like I planned to with two classes. I will be going to Ivy Tech for those who don't know. I'm ready. I wouldn't say I'm excited ready... but I'm ready to make the necessary plunge. I just gotta do it.

Alright, now on to more pressing matters. Like Politics.

I'm definitely into this years primary. I would say "into" might not be a good enough word though. Perhaps "Unhealthily addicted to" would be a better phrase. Last night I sat glued to CNN as if it were political porn or something. I watched it for the better part of 3 hours.

I might as well get it out on the table. I heart Barack Obama. I have been a fan since the Democratic National Convention last year when he delivered one of the greatest political speeches in recent memory. I read his book "The Audacity of Hope," and I'm currently working on his other book "Dreams from my Father." I think he has the potential to be one of the best presidents in history.

As you may know Hillary Clinton won the primary in New Hampshire last night. The polls predicted a big win by Barack and instead it turned out to be a close second. This is pretty messed up considering the polls have been right in every other instance.

The pundits believe it's because of how she got teared up after being asked a personal question during a conference.

This has ignited quite the fire of cynicism in me. Seriously though, those tears were either fake or Hillary Clinton has a naturally different look than most people do when they are getting "teared up, or crying"

I don't see how the minds the minds of the people in New Hampshire (as fickle as the might be) actually buy that crap.

I think Hillary would make a decent president. Shes got a decent track record, shes got the right ethical ideas (for the most part) but America doesn't need a "decent" president. We NEED a GREAT President. We need a president that actually comes of as a breath of fresh air. A president that can prove that everyone can make a difference not just politicians. That president that I describe is the President Barack Obama will turn out to be.