My Great Aunt Toodoo

I once said that one of the reasons I blog is because it's therapeutic to me. Tonight I want to reflect on something that is of emotional significance to me. I hope that writing this will provide me some salve on the emptiness I feel right now.

I got the news yesterday that my Great aunt "toodoo" as we have always called her is on her death bed.

Toodoo was my favorite relative as a young kid. I remember hearing news of her coming to Ossian or us taking a trip to her hometown of Elgin Illinois and that always seemed to lift my young spirit. There was something about her that just made me happy. Perhaps it was that she loved to be around kids and would always spoil her "grandchildren" with gifts and affection. More than that it was her natural lovingness towards me that made me feel good. Toodoo was someone that would make me feel so special just by all the attention she would give me. Some of my fondest memories of her are the nice spring and summer days when she would walk me down town in the stroller where we would watch the cars drive by.

When I was just a few days old I received my first teddy bear. It was a rather plain looking bear that I would later call just simply by the name "bear." The bear was given to me by Toodoo. The bear was like my "blanky" as a kid. I would never sleep without it and would always regard it as my most important belonging. I loved that bear because it came from my favorite aunt. The bear served as a constant reminder of her. At that time seeing Toodoo was not a common event. She lived in Illinois and then in Iowa for awhile.

As I grew older I never lost my fondness for her. In grade school and early middle school I remember the occasional phone call from her. We would talk on the phone for great lengths of time and I would tell her about all my classes and my teachers. I remember her always asking if "I had found a girlfriend yet." She would always tease me about things like that, in a loving way of course. I just remember talking about anything and everything. When she came to town I would show her all my toys and video games, and the funny thing was she always seemed interested. It was as if she was just pleased to spend time with me.

It was shortly after that we found out she was in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's. With some effort my family was able to get her moved from Elgin or Iowa... wherever she was living, into a small apartment in Ossian where we could provide care to her if needed.

Toodoo lived only a block from my house then. I remember going over there often with my cousin and brother. At that time Toodoo was still "with it" for the most part. She watched TV, made food for herself on occasion, and was able to carry on real conversations. It was nice, I remember thinking that too. In a sense it was almost as if to me "she belonged there" For many years as a kid I had always wished Toodoo would come live in Ossian.

I had heard alzhemiers was a disease that progressively got worse. Unfortunately I didn't realize how swift it would happen. Within 3 years Toodoo's physical deterioration along with much more severe Alzheimer's proved too much a risk for her to be living alone. That was when my family made the decision to move her to the nursing home.

Now at 90 years of age that is where she will spend her final days. 3 more years of worsening Alzheimer's has put her in a near vegetative state. Yet in her final years she was well cared for. Not only was she well cared for but she was well liked by the other patients and staff. My friend who worked there for a short stint would tell me how Toodoo would always smile when he walked in the room. She would sometimes point at him and smile. I do miss Toodoo's smile.

Today I made my way over to the nursing home. Toodoo's room was already filled with some of my family and the occasional resident or nurse dropping in to give what had the tone of their final respects to Toodoo.

She was breathing from a machine and lay lifeless in the bed. It is unknown for sure how long she will live but it appears that this is the final leg of her very long, and very good life.

This is something the whole family knew would come. I know it sounds morbid, but I want her to finally go.... to finally find peace.

I had Imagined this time would be less emotional, however as I sat beside Toodoo's bed side I found myself remembering the Toodoo that I knew as a child and thinking how much I missed her.

Part of me blames myself for not making more time to go out and visit with her, and yet the other part does not. Perhaps it is selfish of me, but I have wanted to remember Toodoo in the way that I once knew her rather than the result of her disease.

I wish I could introduce her to Kim, I wish I could show her my writing and tell her all about my college classes. I wish I could tell her about my friends and my job but I can't.

I've talked recently with my Uncle about death and what happens after it. I don't pretend to be the religious type. I don't know if there is a heaven, but if there is, I certainly hope Toodoo finds a place there. She deserves it. Her heart was bigger than her body.

I remember her always telling me about how much she enjoyed our walks in the stroller when I was young. She would always comment about how I would find a bench say now"Now this is where we rest."

I wish I could tell her that one last time, someplace where she isn't crippled by disease. Some place where the air feels pleasant and the trees are green, we would find a comfortable bench. I would pass the day telling her about all that I have become......and I know she would be proud.

"Now this is where we rest"