Monday was Kim's 21st birthday. Unfortunately I was not there to celebrate it with her. As the clock struck midnight and she became another milestone older and I had nothing but bittersweet words of congratulations to offer over a telephone line. This has been the story of my life lately though. It seems like every day I have been away from High school and away from my friends I become slightly more "disconnected." It is an ironic word I suppose.. In this age I remain connected to them in so many ways, most people I care about are only a click or a call away.. and yet I still feel a tremendous sense of distance times. It's not a sense of anger.. or jealously that I feel.. but rather a feeling of being lost.. Yet I'm "lost" in a place that has always been home to me. The people, the houses, the roads, the buildings, the jobs, and the community that have always brought me comfort are now offering it in more scarce amounts it seems. I know there are many roads to choose but I just don't know which is the right one.
I've enrolled in classes at Ivy Tech in Ft. Wayne. I'm going to Ivy Tech not by choice but more by circumstance. I tried to get into IPFW but got rejected. It is a hard thought to swallow even still. I couldn't even get into IPFW, the main Ft. Wayne community college. Some people make fun of me, and other people try to cheer me up and encourage me. Both concepts frusterate me. I either feel stupid, or feel like I'm being told what to do.
I'm the only one to blame for my destiny though. I gave up in Math in Highschool and struggled with Science. I took a placement test for IVY tech that placed me at a "Pre-Algebra" math level. The idea floors me. I'm so bad at Math I put myself as far back as middle school. Unfourtunately I need to be at a College level in Math before I can transfer to IPFW. That means several semesters of remedial Math. It makes me frusterated beyond words. In fact It is waste of me typing how much I struggle at Math because nobody can possible understand, and thus nobody can possibly offer advice that will not just frusterate me more.
I had to get alot of tutering from my cousin to pass the ISTEP back in Highschool. We spent alot of time in the Summer working on hypothetical math problems. To my amazement, I passed the test...barely.
Yet I learned two lessons from this: A. I can do any math I put my mind to. and B. It's probably not worth my energy.
It sucks,
Truthfully I'm excited to take college classes. I would love to take college level writing, English, History, and Social Studies classes yet I'm held back by this damn brain of mine that can't digest some uber smart politician's idea of correct "standards" of Mathmatics.
My family has been supportive-ish of me in my endevours though. I say ish merely because I pretty much haven't felt this lowley of myself and my ambitions since middle school. When I broke the news I wanted to take a break, I hoped for some positive reinforcment and some guidence.. But all I got was a feeling of disaproval. I have never felt so abandoned by those I thought I could count on. This is simply how I felt, and I can't just undue feelings because someone says to. But as I said supportive-ish before, I still maintain the "support" part. That is because I know they all mean the best for me. I know they don't want me to falter and be left with a path that I did not want, or choose.
I will try Ivy Tech. The best thing I can do is go in an try my best. If I dont make it at least I can dropout knowing that I gave it my best shot. I know this is the right thing to do.
In the meantime, I guess I have to just take things a day at a time. I can be thankful for what I have. I like my job and the people I work with. I feel like I have somewhat of a social life when I go into work on Friday and there is lots of people there. I can also be thankful for technology which is keeping me closer to my friends than I give credit to.
Alas I keep telling myself there is a place in this world for me somewhere. I will find it one of these days.
Thats all I got...
until next time,
sam
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
S.D.A.W.M.A (Sleep Deprevation Associated with Mild Arachnophobia)
WARNING: This post contains reflections of a personal encounter with an arachnid commonly known as a "SPIDER" If you have trouble dealing with the thought of said creature please refrain from reading this post. assiram
I have had trouble sleeping lately.
Two Nights ago, I went downstairs for a drink and returned to my room see a rather large spider on the wall slightly above my bed. I trapped it in a glass for momentary identification and then with the supervision of dad, flushed it down the drain of our sink. I can't say I have an irrational fear of spiders, but at the same time the event unnerved me greatly. I did not fall asleep until after my brother left for school. My parents both teased me about getting so flustered by it. However they ought to be glad it's dead because it looked similar to what a brown recluse looks like. I'm not a spider identifying expert though.
I found another similar looking spider on our porch today. The spider had built a massive flat web in the corner of our porch. The web contained an assortment of bugs the spider had trapped, and destroyed. Though I'm a far superior being, I still was impressed by the little bastard's hunting job. The spider oddly enough bore identical features as the one found in my room, though larger.
Naturally my first instinct was to leave the spider alone. It had obviously done a great job of killing other bugs, some of which were mosquito's. However at the same time, I imagined the spider breeding more spiders and a potential house invasion like the one previously mentioned.
I knew what had to be done.
I went to our basement and grabbed a large bottle with clear liquid in it. It was a bottle of insect spray. On the back I searched the long list of little critters it was capable of killing. Almost at the bottom of the list was the predator of choice; the spider.
Contemplating the task ahead, I summoned my brother to witness the spider killing about to happen knowing he would be entertained by my deed.
I showed him to the web, pointing to a small tunnel in the web where the little dweller was hiding.
I knew I could simply blast the web itself and the job would eventually complete itself. But that would be no fun.
I told Patrick I need another bug to sacrifice to get the spider out in the main part of the web. After scouring the sidewalk for a few moments, the target came into view. It was a black ant, plenty large and quite harmless. I picked up the ant and made sure it couldn't bite me.
Then we quickly went back to the porch and without further a due I dropped the ant onto the spiders web. After a brief struggle the spider emerged with amazing speed out of its hole to inject it's venom and paralyze it's future meal. Patrick blurted out "oh my god" amazed by the sheer size of the spider. It was after all larger than a quarter with legs outstretched.
However as soon as it emerged and pounced on its victim, my lightning fast reflexes leveled the bottle and blasted a deadly splash of bug spray, saturating the foul beast. The spider shot back into its web almost as quick as it came out.
Knowing the show was over, I decided to take my leave but not after blasting a few more shots in the tunnel of the web and on the web itself. I know to some this might be overkill, but I wanted to leave no question that it perish.
After boasting of my successful task to my parents, I forgot about the job for a few hours.
When I returned later I found the spider shriveled into a ball in the middle of its web. dead.
What can I say... slaying spiders ain't easy but someones gotta do it.
I have had trouble sleeping lately.
Two Nights ago, I went downstairs for a drink and returned to my room see a rather large spider on the wall slightly above my bed. I trapped it in a glass for momentary identification and then with the supervision of dad, flushed it down the drain of our sink. I can't say I have an irrational fear of spiders, but at the same time the event unnerved me greatly. I did not fall asleep until after my brother left for school. My parents both teased me about getting so flustered by it. However they ought to be glad it's dead because it looked similar to what a brown recluse looks like. I'm not a spider identifying expert though.
I found another similar looking spider on our porch today. The spider had built a massive flat web in the corner of our porch. The web contained an assortment of bugs the spider had trapped, and destroyed. Though I'm a far superior being, I still was impressed by the little bastard's hunting job. The spider oddly enough bore identical features as the one found in my room, though larger.
Naturally my first instinct was to leave the spider alone. It had obviously done a great job of killing other bugs, some of which were mosquito's. However at the same time, I imagined the spider breeding more spiders and a potential house invasion like the one previously mentioned.
I knew what had to be done.
I went to our basement and grabbed a large bottle with clear liquid in it. It was a bottle of insect spray. On the back I searched the long list of little critters it was capable of killing. Almost at the bottom of the list was the predator of choice; the spider.
Contemplating the task ahead, I summoned my brother to witness the spider killing about to happen knowing he would be entertained by my deed.
I showed him to the web, pointing to a small tunnel in the web where the little dweller was hiding.
I knew I could simply blast the web itself and the job would eventually complete itself. But that would be no fun.
I told Patrick I need another bug to sacrifice to get the spider out in the main part of the web. After scouring the sidewalk for a few moments, the target came into view. It was a black ant, plenty large and quite harmless. I picked up the ant and made sure it couldn't bite me.
Then we quickly went back to the porch and without further a due I dropped the ant onto the spiders web. After a brief struggle the spider emerged with amazing speed out of its hole to inject it's venom and paralyze it's future meal. Patrick blurted out "oh my god" amazed by the sheer size of the spider. It was after all larger than a quarter with legs outstretched.
However as soon as it emerged and pounced on its victim, my lightning fast reflexes leveled the bottle and blasted a deadly splash of bug spray, saturating the foul beast. The spider shot back into its web almost as quick as it came out.
Knowing the show was over, I decided to take my leave but not after blasting a few more shots in the tunnel of the web and on the web itself. I know to some this might be overkill, but I wanted to leave no question that it perish.
After boasting of my successful task to my parents, I forgot about the job for a few hours.
When I returned later I found the spider shriveled into a ball in the middle of its web. dead.
What can I say... slaying spiders ain't easy but someones gotta do it.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Nightmares
Today I awoke at 8 o clock.
I was sort of dazed, contemplating for a few brief seconds that I had just transferred from one body to another. Alas I had woken from a Nightmare. This was the second Nightmare in the last week I have had. I was dreaming that something was wrong with Kim and for some reason I could not contact her. The dream was amazingly vivid, and it was very disturbing to me. I remember little of it now that it is the afternoon. These last two Nightmares have been so strange. I can't say that the things I'm dreaming of have profound implications. These aren't the kind of dreams that I recognize as being significant to my inner emotions. In Psychology we learned that one of the ways to interpret the science of dreaming is that dreams are a way of providing a visual for the sub conscious. I think this is very true. However these dreams left me little to analyze. What I found most strange about them is the fact that I never reached a stage of lucid dreaming. For those who haven't heard the term. Lucid dreaming refers to the ability to realize while dreaming that the dream is a dream and not reality. Normally my mind does this for me but this did not occur to me in these previous two Nightmares. I think that my inability to realize that I was dreaming was the reason they were so vivid. These dreams brought back a memory from my childhood. I was perhaps 6-7.
When I was old enough to go back to the old cemetery behind our house, I jumped at every chance to go explore it. It fascinates me now just as much as it did then. The graves go as far back as the mid 1800's. Among the gravestones are several Civil War stones which have always intrigued the history buff in me. The cemetery has always been like a window to the past. Your probably wondering what this has to do with dreams though.. Read on
Soon after I started exploring the Cemetery I began having a stage in my life when my sleep would constantly be plagued by Nightmares. I regularly awoke at night my heart pounding in terror. I don't remember the content of the dreams anymore but I remember they scared my 7 year old mind greatly. I began spending most nights sleeping with my parents. I think they probably thought it was normal for a kid my age. Unfortunately the Nightmares kept getting worse. I remember clearly not wanting to fall asleep knowing I had to face more Nightmares. One day my mom told me she had purchased a relic from a Native American called a dream catcher. I remember being very agitated at the notion that she thought a stupid Indian toy would cure my Nightmares. I refused to put the object in my room for a number of weeks. The Nightmares did not stop though. Eventually I got over my stubbornness and hung the dream catcher in my room. Mom told me that the little wires in the middle would catch the bad dreams and let the good ones pass through. Amazingly after hanging the dream catcher in my room I stopped having Nightmares. The dream catcher has remained in my room ever since. I rarely have Nightmares anymore. I have contemplated removing it from my room to see if the dreams return but the dream catcher gives me a hint of comfort even now. I'm a believer of Science before Supernatural but I think there is an element of that stage of my life that cannot be explained. To this day I believe that the old cemetery might have had an effect on my dreams and may have even caused the Nightmares. Ever since that time I have believed firmly in the power of dreams. They provide a portal to the mind that in some way we never be able to fully explain.
I was sort of dazed, contemplating for a few brief seconds that I had just transferred from one body to another. Alas I had woken from a Nightmare. This was the second Nightmare in the last week I have had. I was dreaming that something was wrong with Kim and for some reason I could not contact her. The dream was amazingly vivid, and it was very disturbing to me. I remember little of it now that it is the afternoon. These last two Nightmares have been so strange. I can't say that the things I'm dreaming of have profound implications. These aren't the kind of dreams that I recognize as being significant to my inner emotions. In Psychology we learned that one of the ways to interpret the science of dreaming is that dreams are a way of providing a visual for the sub conscious. I think this is very true. However these dreams left me little to analyze. What I found most strange about them is the fact that I never reached a stage of lucid dreaming. For those who haven't heard the term. Lucid dreaming refers to the ability to realize while dreaming that the dream is a dream and not reality. Normally my mind does this for me but this did not occur to me in these previous two Nightmares. I think that my inability to realize that I was dreaming was the reason they were so vivid. These dreams brought back a memory from my childhood. I was perhaps 6-7.
When I was old enough to go back to the old cemetery behind our house, I jumped at every chance to go explore it. It fascinates me now just as much as it did then. The graves go as far back as the mid 1800's. Among the gravestones are several Civil War stones which have always intrigued the history buff in me. The cemetery has always been like a window to the past. Your probably wondering what this has to do with dreams though.. Read on
Soon after I started exploring the Cemetery I began having a stage in my life when my sleep would constantly be plagued by Nightmares. I regularly awoke at night my heart pounding in terror. I don't remember the content of the dreams anymore but I remember they scared my 7 year old mind greatly. I began spending most nights sleeping with my parents. I think they probably thought it was normal for a kid my age. Unfortunately the Nightmares kept getting worse. I remember clearly not wanting to fall asleep knowing I had to face more Nightmares. One day my mom told me she had purchased a relic from a Native American called a dream catcher. I remember being very agitated at the notion that she thought a stupid Indian toy would cure my Nightmares. I refused to put the object in my room for a number of weeks. The Nightmares did not stop though. Eventually I got over my stubbornness and hung the dream catcher in my room. Mom told me that the little wires in the middle would catch the bad dreams and let the good ones pass through. Amazingly after hanging the dream catcher in my room I stopped having Nightmares. The dream catcher has remained in my room ever since. I rarely have Nightmares anymore. I have contemplated removing it from my room to see if the dreams return but the dream catcher gives me a hint of comfort even now. I'm a believer of Science before Supernatural but I think there is an element of that stage of my life that cannot be explained. To this day I believe that the old cemetery might have had an effect on my dreams and may have even caused the Nightmares. Ever since that time I have believed firmly in the power of dreams. They provide a portal to the mind that in some way we never be able to fully explain.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Fall is finally here
Today Autumn finally covered the landscape of Ossian. Lately the temperatures have been in the 90's, hardly imaginable for October. Yet today the temperatures settled around 50 degrees.
I decided to walk down to the Brew-Ha, our local coffee shop to get something warm to drink. It felt nice outside. The sky was overcast, and wind was gently rustling the yellow and crimson leaves that dotted many of the trees. The air felt cool, and slightly rigid on my face. A big change from the stuffy humid air of Summer. It was also very calm and serene. Other than the wind and the cars driving up and down main street there seemed to be little activity.
I like fall. I can't say it is my favorite season but I like many things about it. Fall represents such a change. Summer is brilliant at first but by August it has usually changed to sweltering heat, and stagnation. Fall represents something more along the lines of inner solitude. This however, is not a solitude of sadness but more one of inner peace and understanding. We make changes in ourselves, just like the weather. We trade our T-shirts for Sweatshirts, and our lawn mowers for rakes. With it all we also gain a renewed sense of our purposes and our desires. The lazy days of summer and the "ill do it tomorrow" attitude is traded for a clearer focus on what is to be done inside and outside of ourselves.
Perhaps I look at this with a more profound sense than I should. I'm sure not everyone would agree that a change in seasons means a change of person. Although for me, all it takes is a walk down the street to realize that my attitude is different than it was a month ago.. I can feel it.
Happy new season,
-Sam
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Bad Times
I had a bad night tonight.
Originally I didn't have to work. I was only scheduled 3 days this week and Wednesday wasn't one of them. I figured I would try and pick up some hours though.
I feel like such a bum when I have a lot of days off. While the prospect of sitting at home and doing nothing is a comforting thought at times my better judgment told me I should be at work making money. One of my fellow drivers was nice enough to give me her hours which I was thankful for. 5 o clock until close at midnight was my shift tonight.
My dad was happy I picked up hours. I think he likes to see me working a lot. I remember one day I delivered to Buckhorn while he was on lunch break. He seemed really excited to see me. Later that night he told me that he was really proud of me. I was perplexed and asked him why.. to which he didn't really have an answer other than that "I was workin and doing my job." That has stuck with me though. My dad works extremely hard. The hours he works seems almost nightmarish to me, especially at a job where people only temporarily last... It is a source of inspiration to me in a way. In a way, I hope that whatever I end up doing in life I can be as committed to it as dad is to working at Buckhorn.
But.. I'm straying from the topic I wanted to discuss...
As I said.. I had a bad night tonight..
I had a delivery for Sunrise way off of Dustman road in Bluffton. Sunrise way is a small street that sits next to another small street "Sunset Dr". The latter of the two is surprisingly much more of a bad area even though its in the same vicinity.
anyways, the delivery was routine at first. I slowly crept down the street eyeballing the dimly let house numbers until I arrived at the right address.
I got out of my car and began heading up to the front door when I promptly fell in a ditch.
It took me completely by surprise... Originally I thought I had fallen into a manhole or something. It was deep, watery, and very muddy.. more of a pit than a ditch. The first few seconds I was sort of in shock. My mind was adjusting to what had just happened. I was able to pull one of my feet out but the other was deeply lodged in the muck. I Pulled hard, and at first I nearly panicked feeling like I was stuck in the mud and sinking even further. The mud was already up to my thighs. By this time the people who's house it was were eyeballing me curiously from the doorway. By the time they started heading towards me I had managed to free myself from the pit. Needless to say I was covered in mud. My legs were caked and my boots felt like they weighed 10 pounds more than normal. The people thought I had fallen but quickly realized I had fallen into the mud pit in their yard. At first I still kind of in shock. I just sort of stood there sopping in muddy pants. Somehow the pizza was okay.. She quickly began to explain how upset she was about it and how it was city property that they would not properly take care of it. She explained the water had been there for 3 weeks and the city refused to do anything until the water went away. I couldn't hardly believe it.
We finished the transaction and by that time I had made a phone call to my manager who had arrived with trash bags to cover my car seat and pedal area while I got a change of clothes. I took off towards Ossian.
When I arrived at home, I undressed on the porch and went inside to put on clothes. The mud was so bad though that it had actually seeped through my pants and my legs were covered in it. So not only did I have to change clothes but I had to wash my legs too!
Tomorrow I'm going to find out if I can file and incident report or something. I missed an hour of work because of my mud bath .
And if thats not bad enough, when I finally arrived at home I bumped into dads truck when parking in front of my house. The damage is minimal I think. Just a black streak of plastic that rubbed off from dads bumper.
A perfect end to a perfectly messed up night I guess.
More to come later.
-Sam
Originally I didn't have to work. I was only scheduled 3 days this week and Wednesday wasn't one of them. I figured I would try and pick up some hours though.
I feel like such a bum when I have a lot of days off. While the prospect of sitting at home and doing nothing is a comforting thought at times my better judgment told me I should be at work making money. One of my fellow drivers was nice enough to give me her hours which I was thankful for. 5 o clock until close at midnight was my shift tonight.
My dad was happy I picked up hours. I think he likes to see me working a lot. I remember one day I delivered to Buckhorn while he was on lunch break. He seemed really excited to see me. Later that night he told me that he was really proud of me. I was perplexed and asked him why.. to which he didn't really have an answer other than that "I was workin and doing my job." That has stuck with me though. My dad works extremely hard. The hours he works seems almost nightmarish to me, especially at a job where people only temporarily last... It is a source of inspiration to me in a way. In a way, I hope that whatever I end up doing in life I can be as committed to it as dad is to working at Buckhorn.
But.. I'm straying from the topic I wanted to discuss...
As I said.. I had a bad night tonight..
I had a delivery for Sunrise way off of Dustman road in Bluffton. Sunrise way is a small street that sits next to another small street "Sunset Dr". The latter of the two is surprisingly much more of a bad area even though its in the same vicinity.
anyways, the delivery was routine at first. I slowly crept down the street eyeballing the dimly let house numbers until I arrived at the right address.
I got out of my car and began heading up to the front door when I promptly fell in a ditch.
It took me completely by surprise... Originally I thought I had fallen into a manhole or something. It was deep, watery, and very muddy.. more of a pit than a ditch. The first few seconds I was sort of in shock. My mind was adjusting to what had just happened. I was able to pull one of my feet out but the other was deeply lodged in the muck. I Pulled hard, and at first I nearly panicked feeling like I was stuck in the mud and sinking even further. The mud was already up to my thighs. By this time the people who's house it was were eyeballing me curiously from the doorway. By the time they started heading towards me I had managed to free myself from the pit. Needless to say I was covered in mud. My legs were caked and my boots felt like they weighed 10 pounds more than normal. The people thought I had fallen but quickly realized I had fallen into the mud pit in their yard. At first I still kind of in shock. I just sort of stood there sopping in muddy pants. Somehow the pizza was okay.. She quickly began to explain how upset she was about it and how it was city property that they would not properly take care of it. She explained the water had been there for 3 weeks and the city refused to do anything until the water went away. I couldn't hardly believe it.
We finished the transaction and by that time I had made a phone call to my manager who had arrived with trash bags to cover my car seat and pedal area while I got a change of clothes. I took off towards Ossian.
When I arrived at home, I undressed on the porch and went inside to put on clothes. The mud was so bad though that it had actually seeped through my pants and my legs were covered in it. So not only did I have to change clothes but I had to wash my legs too!
Tomorrow I'm going to find out if I can file and incident report or something. I missed an hour of work because of my mud bath .
And if thats not bad enough, when I finally arrived at home I bumped into dads truck when parking in front of my house. The damage is minimal I think. Just a black streak of plastic that rubbed off from dads bumper.
A perfect end to a perfectly messed up night I guess.
More to come later.
-Sam
Monday, October 1, 2007
A Fresh Start
Welcome; Friends, Family, and strangers. This is my new blog.
The decision was simple really. After taking my recent road trip to Canada and blogging the adventure I realized how much I miss writing. Since I have been out of school I haven't really been writing much. I had forgotten how therapeutic it was to me. A new blog seemed appropriate I guess. I like using blogger better than Xanga I think.. It seems more mature.
I hope this will serve as a portal for my thoughts, and imagination. I will attempt to update this regularly. Let me know if you enjoy it.
Thank you, and welcome to Good Times Bad Times (Redux)
The decision was simple really. After taking my recent road trip to Canada and blogging the adventure I realized how much I miss writing. Since I have been out of school I haven't really been writing much. I had forgotten how therapeutic it was to me. A new blog seemed appropriate I guess. I like using blogger better than Xanga I think.. It seems more mature.
I hope this will serve as a portal for my thoughts, and imagination. I will attempt to update this regularly. Let me know if you enjoy it.
Thank you, and welcome to Good Times Bad Times (Redux)
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