My Great Aunt Toodoo

I once said that one of the reasons I blog is because it's therapeutic to me. Tonight I want to reflect on something that is of emotional significance to me. I hope that writing this will provide me some salve on the emptiness I feel right now.

I got the news yesterday that my Great aunt "toodoo" as we have always called her is on her death bed.

Toodoo was my favorite relative as a young kid. I remember hearing news of her coming to Ossian or us taking a trip to her hometown of Elgin Illinois and that always seemed to lift my young spirit. There was something about her that just made me happy. Perhaps it was that she loved to be around kids and would always spoil her "grandchildren" with gifts and affection. More than that it was her natural lovingness towards me that made me feel good. Toodoo was someone that would make me feel so special just by all the attention she would give me. Some of my fondest memories of her are the nice spring and summer days when she would walk me down town in the stroller where we would watch the cars drive by.

When I was just a few days old I received my first teddy bear. It was a rather plain looking bear that I would later call just simply by the name "bear." The bear was given to me by Toodoo. The bear was like my "blanky" as a kid. I would never sleep without it and would always regard it as my most important belonging. I loved that bear because it came from my favorite aunt. The bear served as a constant reminder of her. At that time seeing Toodoo was not a common event. She lived in Illinois and then in Iowa for awhile.

As I grew older I never lost my fondness for her. In grade school and early middle school I remember the occasional phone call from her. We would talk on the phone for great lengths of time and I would tell her about all my classes and my teachers. I remember her always asking if "I had found a girlfriend yet." She would always tease me about things like that, in a loving way of course. I just remember talking about anything and everything. When she came to town I would show her all my toys and video games, and the funny thing was she always seemed interested. It was as if she was just pleased to spend time with me.

It was shortly after that we found out she was in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's. With some effort my family was able to get her moved from Elgin or Iowa... wherever she was living, into a small apartment in Ossian where we could provide care to her if needed.

Toodoo lived only a block from my house then. I remember going over there often with my cousin and brother. At that time Toodoo was still "with it" for the most part. She watched TV, made food for herself on occasion, and was able to carry on real conversations. It was nice, I remember thinking that too. In a sense it was almost as if to me "she belonged there" For many years as a kid I had always wished Toodoo would come live in Ossian.

I had heard alzhemiers was a disease that progressively got worse. Unfortunately I didn't realize how swift it would happen. Within 3 years Toodoo's physical deterioration along with much more severe Alzheimer's proved too much a risk for her to be living alone. That was when my family made the decision to move her to the nursing home.

Now at 90 years of age that is where she will spend her final days. 3 more years of worsening Alzheimer's has put her in a near vegetative state. Yet in her final years she was well cared for. Not only was she well cared for but she was well liked by the other patients and staff. My friend who worked there for a short stint would tell me how Toodoo would always smile when he walked in the room. She would sometimes point at him and smile. I do miss Toodoo's smile.

Today I made my way over to the nursing home. Toodoo's room was already filled with some of my family and the occasional resident or nurse dropping in to give what had the tone of their final respects to Toodoo.

She was breathing from a machine and lay lifeless in the bed. It is unknown for sure how long she will live but it appears that this is the final leg of her very long, and very good life.

This is something the whole family knew would come. I know it sounds morbid, but I want her to finally go.... to finally find peace.

I had Imagined this time would be less emotional, however as I sat beside Toodoo's bed side I found myself remembering the Toodoo that I knew as a child and thinking how much I missed her.

Part of me blames myself for not making more time to go out and visit with her, and yet the other part does not. Perhaps it is selfish of me, but I have wanted to remember Toodoo in the way that I once knew her rather than the result of her disease.

I wish I could introduce her to Kim, I wish I could show her my writing and tell her all about my college classes. I wish I could tell her about my friends and my job but I can't.

I've talked recently with my Uncle about death and what happens after it. I don't pretend to be the religious type. I don't know if there is a heaven, but if there is, I certainly hope Toodoo finds a place there. She deserves it. Her heart was bigger than her body.

I remember her always telling me about how much she enjoyed our walks in the stroller when I was young. She would always comment about how I would find a bench say now"Now this is where we rest."

I wish I could tell her that one last time, someplace where she isn't crippled by disease. Some place where the air feels pleasant and the trees are green, we would find a comfortable bench. I would pass the day telling her about all that I have become......and I know she would be proud.

"Now this is where we rest"

of Politics and Race

So I heard this idea called Micro blogging. It is the concept of blogging in short, frequent posts. I kind of like the idea, so forgive me if some of the posts seem a little short, or a little rushed. Since I need to get to bed in just a few tonight will be my first admitted "Micro-Blog"

So I watched the democratic- nevada- caucus- front-runner-debate tonight on MSNBC.

I thought it was fairly bland. The majority of it was the three candidates agreeing that the Democratic party will effectively unite; and in turn "pwn" (online lingo for OWN/prove better than) the Republican party in 08.

Which hopefully will be the case. There is been 3 primaries for the GOP and 3 winners. It appears that the GOP just can't find a candidate to unite around. Ain't that a shame

My observations:

John Edwards: Dude your a good man but I can't beleive you describe your "strength" as the ability to care for the little guy, but your "weakness" is that you care "too much." I mean, I know that is a land mine of a question but that is about the lamest answer you could possibly give. My advice to you is to go out in a blaze of glory by dropping out and throwing your support behind Barack.

Hillary Clinton: You looked pretty old tonight. Unfortunately for Barack Obama though your debate performance was pretty good.

Barack (da' man) Obama: Well played. Not your best, but then again what can you do when the debate hosts only ask questions in which every candidate agrees on.

The main gripe I have about tonight is the issue of race. Hillary and Barack may have declared a truce to their bickering but it doesn't change the fact that people DO vote on race. Obama tried to tone down race all right by saying that people choose on candidate on the issues, and this is very true; however they also choose a candidate on personality, appearance, religion, sex, family life, voting record and by golly the color of skin.

It's funny how the gas station clerk in town always tries to tell me that "Obama will never get elected, this country is too prejudiced. I certainly hope he isn't right. But at the same time when I think about it, I want Obama to be elected for a myriad of reasons, one of the main ones is because he is black. I think overcoming racial barriers is a damn good thing, and it's something this country needs. At the same time I know there is probably people out there who will vote against Obama simply because he is black. I'm young, but I'm not that naive.

As much as Hillary and Obama may want to divert the issue, it doesn't change the fact that it is what it is. Obama is black, Hillary is a woman; and both are trying very hard to be the "first"

Thats my two

Politics as usual.

I have really taken a long break from this. Which I apologize to not only you (my faithful viewers) but to myself for letting the animated violence of new video games, and creating a perfect iTunes playlist of all the songs from Guitar Hero III kept me from writing.

I thought I would start with a long winded introduction concerning the finer points of my Christmas and New Year, yadayada. But after a quick calender check it appears that it is January 9th. The Holidays are all but a thing of the past.

Here is whats new with me:

I start school January 15th. I'm starting off slow like I planned to with two classes. I will be going to Ivy Tech for those who don't know. I'm ready. I wouldn't say I'm excited ready... but I'm ready to make the necessary plunge. I just gotta do it.

Alright, now on to more pressing matters. Like Politics.

I'm definitely into this years primary. I would say "into" might not be a good enough word though. Perhaps "Unhealthily addicted to" would be a better phrase. Last night I sat glued to CNN as if it were political porn or something. I watched it for the better part of 3 hours.

I might as well get it out on the table. I heart Barack Obama. I have been a fan since the Democratic National Convention last year when he delivered one of the greatest political speeches in recent memory. I read his book "The Audacity of Hope," and I'm currently working on his other book "Dreams from my Father." I think he has the potential to be one of the best presidents in history.

As you may know Hillary Clinton won the primary in New Hampshire last night. The polls predicted a big win by Barack and instead it turned out to be a close second. This is pretty messed up considering the polls have been right in every other instance.

The pundits believe it's because of how she got teared up after being asked a personal question during a conference.

This has ignited quite the fire of cynicism in me. Seriously though, those tears were either fake or Hillary Clinton has a naturally different look than most people do when they are getting "teared up, or crying"

I don't see how the minds the minds of the people in New Hampshire (as fickle as the might be) actually buy that crap.

I think Hillary would make a decent president. Shes got a decent track record, shes got the right ethical ideas (for the most part) but America doesn't need a "decent" president. We NEED a GREAT President. We need a president that actually comes of as a breath of fresh air. A president that can prove that everyone can make a difference not just politicians. That president that I describe is the President Barack Obama will turn out to be.