Unclarified Ramblings of the Past

It started with looking for chapstick before bed...

Tucked away in my nightstand was a treasure trove of paper relics opening a gateway to my past. As I looked through my collection of old notes, pictures, and cards I was overcome with the realization of the past, and I how I have changed so much in the course of a few years.

The first relic was a worn, and stained note from my cousin Alex. It was his final word to me after spending many hours and weeks one summer tutoring me for the ISTEP test. His words were sentimental and are actually more profound to me now then they were then. I always appreciated that he did that for me and the note meant a lot to me then.

I found out today that I passed my college algebra course, and I'm now officially set to take what will probably be my final math class. I remember thinking when I began math again it college that I would NEVER make it back to a college math level, but as it turns out I Did. In the end all it took was for me to stop resisting it. I had to stop telling myself, this is pointless, therefore I shouldn't do it. Instead I just focused on one problem and a time, and hacked through it. As I read Alex's note from several years ago, it said basically the same thing that I have now come to realize now-- I'm more capable at Math than I give myself credit for.

The second relic was a birthday card my Uncle Monty had given me for my 19th Birthday. The card featured a little boy, (with striking similarity to me as child) in a kitchen using a metal pot as a drum. The card proclaimed something about marching to my own beat. Monty wrote a short message inside which echoed the idea that I should follow my own beat even when that's hard to do. I remember holding the card very dear at the time I received it because I had found out that I didn't get into IPFW and made the decision to take a semester off. During those months after I felt incredibly abandoned by my family who were afraid if I didn't go to school right away I would be a failure. Yet I followed my own beat and now I'm in school and doing great.

The Third relic was a card written by my cousin Marissa which was given to me with a book about historical mysteries. I received this card out of the blue from her while she was away at law school and it basically explained that I should seriously consider history as an eventual major in school. At the time I received the card my mind was so far away from school that I imagine I took less time thinking about a path in history and more time reading the book she sent and moving on. Yet now as I'm officially a history major in school this letter holds all the more significance. It makes me even more sure I'm making the right choice.

The fourth relic was a pile of letters and cards that Kim had written me very early in our relationship. These were definitely a trip down memory lane. It took me back to when were still in High School, a new couple, completely infatuated with one another. Everything was new and fresh and just being apart for a few days was a big deal. One of the relics was a postcard from Palm Springs Florida. She took a vacation there in the spring of her Senior year with her mom and aunt. It was our first obstacle in our relationship--being apart for 4 days HAHA! Then there was a letter I got after her graduation that tackled the topic of that summer. She was going off to camp and I would only see her on weekends. We weren't sure how often we could talk on the phone and as it turned out we could only talk for maybe an hour a night. Then as soon as we got through that, she was off to college and it felt like my world was ending. I still vividly remember driving away from her house that August evening before she left for school, the sun setting over the cornfields that I drove by so many times that summer. I remember fearing that she would leave for school and never call me back. It's so irrational to think about it now, I was paranoid, of course she called me back as soon as she got in Bloomington practically and then after one phone call I finally got it through my head that it would work. Now here we are-- 2 1/2 years later and still going strong.

And finally there was the 5th relic. A wallet sized picture of Grandma and Grandpa. It was their 60th anniversary picture. Since Grandma just passed away this of course held a lot of significance seeing it amongst all the other relics. It just reminded me that so much of my life, I owe to their example. I miss Grandma very much.. I keep thinking every time I visit Grandpa that she will return from the bathroom and sit down in her chair and we would resume a great conversation. Yet while I feel sad that shes no longer physically here, I take much happiness in the fact that her peaceful exit to this world left so much great legacy. I truly feel that she is with me every single day. I know people say that about dead people a lot... but with Grandma I really truly believe it. Her personality is intertwined with mine, and I will always try to lead by her example. Grandpa of course is just as significant. He is the family rock, and I will always look to him as an example of the right way to be a "man." When I look at my Grandpa I see a man who will always work incredibly hard to provide for his family. I also see a man who truly kept his wedding vows, "Til death do us part." He never stopped loving my Grandma and I think that is the way it should be. When you meet the right person you should love them forever, and he did this.

Who knew looking for a salve to my dry lips could lead to such a soul opening trip down memory lane. I'm glad that I went through that drawer tonight. I really think I've grown a lot in just these last few years. I think these crazy ponderings might just prove that.