epiphany

In my family suicide has been a topic of discussion lately. It's a dark and grim topic to say the least. Sadly one of my cousin's cousin's committed the act last weekend and the cousin's and their cousin's have been reeling from the loss this week. I know "Cousin's cousin's" sounds odd and perhaps a little funny, sort of a he said she said gaffe but actually our families have always been closer than most average families I would say. This has been a difficult thing and I send my absolute sympathy to the family suffering from this tragic loss.

The topic of Suicide stirred a discussion in our family about High School and the cruelty of peers. The cousin who killed himself was in High School. I should make clear that this post is in no way associating any of the trauma that the student had with hardships suffered at school but that it was merely the segway for discussion within my immediate family.

I have a story I want to get off my chest.

Foremost I should say, I don't want to condemn schools for their lack of bullying control or rant about how much I did or did not suffer myself.

Instead I just want to share a bullying experience that has stayed with me from Middle School...In this case the story is about me being the bully and not coming to the full realization of it until 7 years later.

Names have obviously been changed.
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It was one of those typical days in middle school. It was lunch time and the rumors of the day were spreading across the tables of various clicks at our school. The big news of the day was that one of the less popular, and often teased kids in my class, "Bill" had written a sappy love letter to one of the more popular girls "Sarah" asking her to the upcoming dance. Sarah was a girl who I coincidentally had somewhat of a crush on.

Unfortunately for Bill, Sarah did not like Bill and so like many immature kids at the kids, she passed his letter on to all of her friends to laugh at. By lunch time it was common knowledge and everyone was laughing at Bill's expense.

I thought it was funny... I teased the kid from time to time. He was one of those guys who had a short temper and got into a lot fights because of it.

I should admit at this point that I'm a bastard, there is no getting around it... But at the same time I can also say Middle School was a bitch and I got teased very badly too. The cold reality of life at my middle school was surviving the social pyramid at which one placed themself on everyday.

When I teased kids who were beneath me on the Social Pyramid I inevitably felt better about myself. At the time I was a miserable wreck of adolescence dealing with the fact that life in middle school was all about submission. Submission to teachers, parents, the fact bodily attributes are changing and making self esteem at an all time low.

So anyways my next memory of the day is as I'm preparing to leave to go home. I remember feeling good because I knew my older cousin was coming to pick me up (He was a High School student at the time.) Riding home with him was absolutely cathartic at the time. There has never been anything in my life more therapeutic than driving home on those middle school afternoons listening to Heavy Metal. We never talked. My cousin would just crank the stereo up and I sat back and let all the frustrations of the day pour out me with the sound of the music that my parents probably would have not approved me listening to had Napster not put it out of their control.

Anyways I'm leaving the school and I'm totally pumped. I see that my cousin has his car parked next to the sidewalk a ways down from the doors and I begin walking towards his car.

A few steps ahead of me is the aforementioned Bill leaving school after his love interest had just embarrassed him and turned him down for the dance.

I felt a surge of confidence I suppose, I felt it was a good opportunity to be the angry asshole middle school kid I was a kick the poor guy while he was down,

I called out to him "Hey Bill, nice love letter you wrote to Sarah!!" Within seconds he was in my face with his fist clenched around the neck of my shirt meeting my face with a fiery look. He said something along the lines of "I will fucking kick your ass shafer" I remember feeling pretty scared. After all Bill was well known for getting it fights and I was more of a wuss myself. It seemed to happen extremely quick.

The next memory is of my cousin emerging from his car and crying out "HEY!" in a very threatning voice to Bill who was borderline strangling me. Without further action Bill took off walking, and I remember thinking he must have been scared away by my cousin. I gathered my composure and walked to the car where my cousin was waiting. I remember saying "Thanks, hes such a faggot" or something equally immature.

With that said I entered his car and we listened silently all the way home as we always did. At the time I remember thinking that the gesture in the parking lot was the coolest thing my cousin did for me in back in those years.

But now I realize that I never deserved his protection.

What I did that day was wrong. There is no excuse for what I did.

Last night I had an epiphany about this memory that I've carried for so long.

Bill probably had one of the worst days of his life that day. At least it would have been for me if something like that happend. The poor guy just wanted a girl he liked to go to the dance with him. He even created the letter for her on his computer. This was a big deal for him and it blew up in his face.

The comment I made to him as I left would have made me want to kill somebody if I was in his shoes. He was on his way out of school probably ready to put the day behind him and there I was to rub his misfourtune in his face again.

I used to believe that what happend that day was just one notch in the endless hell that was my time at Middle School. Collateral Damage.

I do not believe that anymore. I feel absolutely awful about what I did. If there was a way for me to go back into the past and act differently I would.

I think I understand now how messed up middle school was

I became a bully through the very system that should prevent bullying.
The pain I feel right now is every bit deserved....
If only I knew then what I know now........