Revelations

Tonight was a rough night. I suppose that's probably the reason I've decided to dust off the old blog.

My girlfriend and I had one of those discussions about the current status of our relationship and it's future and it was a little unsettling to me. Some of the reasons that brought on the discussion were misunderstandings, or lack of proper communication, but others were eye openers for me.

It is one these eye openers that I feel is worth discussing/ or at least blasting into the abyss of the worldwide web.

First of all, I have become (or rather have been) maintaining a very defeatist attitude about my weight. I bitch about it rather constantly, and she has been a sounding board for a lot of it. When I sit down and actually think about the sheer amount of time I have spent dwelling on it, or beating myself up over it, it becomes rather unsettling revelation, and I feel absolutely awful how much I must have annoyed her with it. The fact is she has been an incredible support to me on it, and it is unfair that I treat the weight issue with such negativity. Ultimately not only does the defeatism hurt our relationship but it hurts my progress of trying to lose the weight and most importantly make healthy choices. My weight has been an issue for a longtime and it has now been exactly one full year that I have worked to become healthier. This includes a goal of 5 days of physical activity per week and working on my ability to choose healthier foods/portions whenever possible. The truth is, when I put aside the negativity (that I haven't become skinny as a rail) and see that I have actually made a lot of progress it makes me feel good. I know this is a major thing I need to focus on. I have more energy, can run further, and have more endurance than I use to, and I have lost some poundage. Looking at the big picture I know I need to let myself feel a lot more proud of my accomplishments and not dwell on the things I haven't accomplished (some of which are probably unrealistic)

The other thing is concerned with my level of drive and maturity. I have matured and changed a lot but I need to keep growing/worker harder in the aspect of applying myself to the academics. I have been managing pretty good grades but I also need to admit to myself that I could have done a lot better if I cut down on the video games and worked harder on my studies. Programming is a key example, I let that class fall to the wayside and I probably could have done better if I applied myself more. Going forward in the future I wont have nearly the opportunities to slack of as I do now.

I find myself writing this because I think it is important to come clean to myself about how I've been acting and I hope it allows me to move forward.