Answers

Life is complicated. Perhaps this is one of the few things I have come to fully grasp in my youth. I wish the answers were easier to find.

I've never really been a go-getter. I know I can do stuff if I put my mind to it. Yet much of my life I have spent coasting. Maybe I chose, and still do choose to coast because its the most comfortable thing to do, yet part of me thinks that I'm just seeking an answer. I'm trying to figure out who I am.

I don't think finding oneself is something that can be accomplished by step by step directions passed down by those who have walked the roads before. Maybe it's the crazy transcendentalist ideals in me that makes me say this, but I really believe happiness can only be found by individuality. Even if it is in the smallest form.

Some nights I sit awake feeling trapped in my own room. I suppose a large part of it is loneliness. I miss my friends and my girlfriend, who are all off at college, hours away from me. This is not something I can be bitter about. To quote the rock band Creed "I created my own Prison" At the same time I cannot deny my feelings. I'm not happy with where I'm at right now.

I'm doing okay in school. I can't say I especially like it. I'm pleased that I'm able to do it. I seriously doubted I would have the ability to even function in the school environment ever again. However as of now I'm really not learning much and I seriously doubt at times I have the self discipline or the desire to stick with it.

The fact is, I'm not really a school person. With the utmost honesty, I can say that the main reason I'm in school is because of pressure from family, friends, and peers. I understand that it is a means to an end. I understand the job market is for shit right now and education or training is essential to secure a good job. I hate feeling like this though. Part of me feels like a quitter for thinking this.

I want a good job. Who doesn't? However what I don't want is to spend a bunch of time in school chasing after a pie in the sky. The sad truth of life is that education doesn't always lead to happiness. I find myself wondering if college is the right choice for me. This is part of my quest for answers.

Kim and I have been together for almost 2 years. We have talked strongly about a future together, and I want to be able to make a decent wage and live comfortably.

Part of me wishes there was a giant store of road maps for life that I could go to and find just the right answers I've been looking for. While I may be idealistic, I certainly have the sense to know that such fantasies are a waste of time.

I've been thinking about a two-year degree in some type of future oriented technological job. I want to find a career that isn't too hard to get into, but offers good opportunity for advancement. I like earning achievements, I do. I wish I could apply this to future endevours as a student but there is so much useless crap that I have to trudge through will almost no immediate gratification. Call me lazy.. but it's not worth my time to chase after something I won't receive any benefit from until years down the road.

Yet another part of me wishes I could be a famous writer or radio personality working out of my home and being entertained by my work.

In any case, I'm still looking for answers however cryptic they might be.

Spring is on it's way.. I think

Heres to good times, and warm weather ahead,




Sam