Good Times Bad Times (Redux)

The Last Dance of Summer 2011

2011-08-06T22:56:00.001-07:00

I don't think I will ever grow out of it.

Every time the first week of August rolls around I get an overwhelming sense that Summer is dying.

Summer doesn't just fade like other seasons, it always has to go out like a long drawn out aching funeral procession. May was just yesterday and yet here I am viewing Summer like a old rusted kaleidoscope of memories, paying respect to the memory of another Summer in the books.

I find myself wanting to write about it. Yet it feels like a whirlpool of pointless emotions. I want to grasp at some closure just like when a real entity dies but I'm not sure what (if any) such thing as Summer closure exists.

I once saw a cartoon about the last days of Summer. The character found himself in a similar situation, trying to come to grips with the passing of the great season. With the help of his mother he gathered up all his summer memories and went on a nostalgic mental magic carpet ride through the Summer's activities all to come to a grand realization that it was a great summer and things were accomplished.

I could ride the same mental magic carpet and come to the same realization. It was a good Summer. I accomplished many of the things I sought to do. Yet I'm still stuck feeling like it happened so fast and now the only thing left is the cold hard final days when Summer is more like a patient on a deathbed, it exists in reality but outcome is finite, and everyone knows what is going to happen, except in this case, nobody is sensitive. It's like the final weeks don't count, they are only a stopgap between real Summer and school being back.

Part of me is excited to go back, and yet the other part of me feels like I'm dropping off a bridge named uncertainty.Finding out what the future brings seems so paramount to bringing my soul back to equilibrium, yet once again I'm stuck doing this last dance routine with Summer. Summer is the perfect dance partner too because the routine is always the same.

And maybe that's what makes the last dance / funeral procession so hard to passively accept. The end of summer is the end of the comfort of routine. August is the last call for a final drink of the blissful cocktail of certainty that defines the season.

For those who don't know the ending of this discomforting "last dance", the spoiler is that the funeral procession is actually roller-coaster nearing it's peak. It's not going to be the same after the drop but it will probably be a lot of fun.

Here's to a final dance with Summer, and the rush of a new school year.

Sam

2011-03-15T12:06:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know me well, you are undoubtedly aware that I'm a big history geek, and that I'm particularly interested in Military History.

What you may not know is that one of my undying curiosity's is the old cemetery behind my parents house. Particularly that inside the cemetery are several headstones of Civil War soldiers.

It has never ceased to amaze me that several hundred yards away from the house I grew up in there are soldiers who (150 years ago!) participated in the bloodiest and perhaps most important American conflict.

Today all that remains of these men is their heavily weathered headstones in the Old Ossian Cemetery which has suffered much vandalism since its dedication in 1847.

I've always found myself pondering about those soldiers, who were they? what did they do? What was it like to leave the family or the farm and head off to a great adventurous unknown. Today these soldiers remain to us in scattered records and weathered headstones but in their time they were part of a legendary conflict that had the fate of the nation at stake. In a childlike wonderment I have always wished that these headstones could talk, what stories would they tell?

Perhaps my Indiana History course at IUPUI has renewed my vigor towards this topic, or maybe it is simply that I've always felt history is worth telling.

Today I trekked through the mud and rain to the old cemetery to write down the names. It has been many years since I searched the Internet for these soldiers, so I thought I would try it again since information has likely become more available and organized. Someday I would love to do a comprehensive search using many local sources but for now I thought I would at least get a start so that I have a benchmark as well as (maybe) a decent tidbit for others who are interested.

The first soldiers name was taken from a mossy and heavily weathered stone near the front gate of the cemetery.

W.m H Rankin - 153rd Indiana Infantry C.O.E.

The first thing that struck me about this soldier was the C.O.E. which in Military Terminolgy most likely stands for Army Core Of Engineers.

The following information about the 153rd Infantry was availble here http://www.civilwarindex.com/armyin/153rd_in_infantry.html

One-Year Regiments. — A call was made, Dec. 20, 1864, for eleven regiments for one year's service, and recruiting stations were established at the headquarters of each of the provost marshals, recruits being forwarded to Indianapolis. Subsequently five additional regiments were called for, and under these calls the following organizations were raised :

One Hundred and Fifty-third Indiana Infantry. — Col., Oliver H. P. Carey; Lieut. -Col., Charles S. Ellis; Maj., James F. Wildman. This regiment came from the 11th Congressional district and was organized at Indianapolis in Feb., 1865. It was mustered in March 1, and left the state on the 5th, going to Louisville, from where it was sent to Russellville, Ky., detachments being sent to Bowling Green, Hopkinsville and other points. Cos. D. G and H were engaged in numerous skirmishes with guerrillas while in that section. Returning to Louisville on June 16, the regiment was assigned to duty at Taylor barracks in that city, until it was mustered out on Sept. 4, 1865. The original strength was 1,002; gain by recruits, 31 ; total, 1,033. Loss by death, 47; desertion, 79; unaccounted for, 2. Using

The same website has PDFs of the mustering rolls which lists all the officers and soldiers in the regiment.

William Rankin was a member of Company "E" which he was mustered out of in February of June 13th of 1865. The 153rd was of the last units of Infantry assembled in Indiana. Obviously given the date of formation in 1864 the War was nearing its end. As the information said, it seems that this unit was more to quell guerrillas and play out the end game rather than participate in major battles. Rankin was not in one of the companies that was listed as skirmishing with guerrillas but I suppose that was certainly possible? One interesting note about Company E is that the officers in charge of it were from both Ossian and Bluffton.

The Captain Benjamin Wiley was from Bluffton.
First Lieutenant- John Henry was from Ossian
Second Lieutenant- Marvin Bennet was from Ossian

It makes sense that the officers would also be from the area but I found Wiley to be of interest because it is the name of a major street in Bluffton. Coincidence? maybe not...

By this point in the war volunteers were hard to come by, the toll of war was being fully understood and it is not surprising that the majority of this regiment were draftees, which seemed to include Rankin.

The question that remains most pressing about William Rankin was the Engineer aspect, what was his particular job as an engineer in that unit?

In the next post I will discuss more of these intriguing soldiers.

Gratitude Sundae | Day 14 of 30thanks

2010-11-16T14:29:00.000-08:00

Well I can't stay up to date very well, so I guess I'll just plug at my own pace.

Gratitude Sundae | Day 14 of 30thanks

10 Random things which I'm currently thankful for.

1. Sports in High Definition- Because that is the way they are meant to be watched.

2. Finally getting to play Ice Hockey- Not only something that will keep me in shape this winter (hopefully) but that it is also a lifelong dream

3. Winning $5 on a $2 scratch off this week- What can I say, I'm kinda lucky.

4. Going with my family to watch the Blackhawks in Chicago- It was absolutely awesome.

5. Finally getting to try Al's beef which my mother raved about many times- It was juicy, spicy, and every bit as tasty as I hoped.

6. My two cats, Baba and Elphie- Cats are awesome, and my two cats are fun because they are opposites. Baba is a playful ragdoll clown who always wants attention, and Elphie is more like the bitch cat that only wants attention on her terms. It's actually a good balance.

7. A lot of really good TV shows- The Office, Outsourced, Storm Chasers, GLEE, How I Met Your Mother, Modern Family, and Parenthood. Every day of the week I have something interesting to watch. Never before have I simultaneously been following this many quality shows.

8. Winter/Holiday Beers- As a self admitting beer lover for more than just warm feelings, I must say that I look forward to this season every year for the sheer quantity of quality beers that start showing up on the shelves. While I love a nice crisp wheat ale in the summer, or a rich Oktoberfest in the fall, nothing beats the dark, warming, full bodied, taste of a winter lager/ale.

9. Decaf coffee- For some reason I've always been fairly sensitive to caffeine. If I drink regular coffee past like 7pm I won't sleep. Yet I love the flavor of it, and so Decaf is a good low calorie drink for alleviating oral fixation and over-eating both of which I'm prone to.

10. Where's George? - I love being a crazy georger. Marking bills and watching them bounce around the globe is a fantastic time waster.

Getting up to Date (30 Thanks: Rapid Fire!)

2010-11-13T12:02:00.000-08:00

Days 9-13

Thank an admin | Day 9 of 30thanks

Thank you to Clinic Administration at Bluffton Regional Medical Center. When I deliver pizza for Bluffton Pizza Hut, I very much enjoy going to Clinic Administration. Not only are they loyal and patient customers, but they always tip generously.

Thank A Parent & The Reason Behind the Gratitude Adventure | Day 10 of 30thanks

A hearty thank you to my biological parents for giving me a chance on this earth, and also to my real parents for giving me the life I have. I'm grateful to have been raised with with tender care and yet you let me figure out many things in life for myself. I know I can be a pain in the ass, but I love you both and thanks for continuing to put up with me.

Thank a Guardian | Day 11 of 30thanks

A couple weeks ago in my anthropology class the guy who sits behind me in class who's name is Terrence, went to the front of the room to do his show and tell presentation. The assignment was to explain something that represented our subculture, or ethnic culture.

The item he chose was an army combat helmet.

"This---he said, is a helmet... it protects your head." to which the class chuckled at his joke

He paused, and added "It is actually a replacement for my other one, which was damaged when we hit an I.E.D."

"I'm a medic...I wasn't even supposed to be the gunner that night, but my buddies had to sleep sometime too"

He paused and indicated he was finished.

There was an awkward silence that fell over the classroom as he walked back to his seat.

Up until that point I had no idea who Terrance was, just the guy who sits behind me..and I guess I still don't know him..

But at that moment, I was overcome with such a sense of gratitude for him. As I sat there I couldn't help but think that this person sitting next to me put his life on the line in some faraway country so I could have the opportunity to be in the anthropology class to begin with.

Thank you to Terrence, and every other person serving our country. sometimes I don't understand the reason our country fights, but there will never be enough said for those who take on that responsibility.

Counter a complaint with gratitude | Day 12 of 30thanks

Giving a lengthy segment of gratitude on this blog everyday is tough, especially when I'm lazy, but I'm grateful for this opportunity and to be a part of this interesting project.

Thank the last person who made you smile | Day 13 of 30thanks

That would be my dear roommate Kimberly, when I was pouring my coffee obnoxiously loud she said "Do you really have to do that"

To which I responded....

Why yes I DO!

We laughed

Sam

Thank someone who inspires you | Day 8 of 30thanks

2010-11-08T09:06:00.000-08:00

Today I would like to thank several people for inspiring me and whom watching brings me great entertainment. I will call them collectively; the young guns of the National Hockey League.

For those who don't know me very well, I'm a pretty hardcore hockey fan, I watch hockey basically every night of the week as well as playing it myself.

In a previous post I mentioned that my love of hockey has been a bit of a rebirth for me, and part of that is the transformation of the game in recent years to an emphasis on speed a skill.

The newer generations of players have been a big part of that transformation. These 18-23 year old players are part of the reason I tune in every night, because to me they can be absolutely awe inspiring and just plain fun to watch.

So for the fun of it, here are my top ten inspiring "young guns"

1. Jonathan Toews. I'm a Blackhawks fan so this is no brainer. Jonathan Toews is the captain of the Chicago Blackhawks and he brings a seriousness and work ethic to the game every night that is unparalleled. He drives his teammates to be better, and hes a fantastic playmaker.

2. Patrick Kane. You can't mention Toews without his partner in crime Patrick Kane. He is the 2nd piece of the Chicago rebuild and although he gets himself in trouble every year for off ice shenanigans he is one of the best puck handlers in the league. Nicknamed Doctor Kane by his teammates because of his surgical precision with the puck.

3. Steven Stamkos. Speaking of rebuilding a franchise, Steven Stamkos is a big part of that for the Tampa Bay Lightning. He is one of the most productive goal scorers in the league and hes only 20 years old. A threat to score every time hes on the ice.

4. P.K. Subban. Gotta show some love for a fantastic defensemen. Subban was called up from the AHL last season during the playoffs(talk about pressure!) and was a critical piece of the Canadians Cinderella run. I love his work ethic and attitude. definitely an inspiring player.

5.Evander Kane. Atlanta Thrashers winger Evander Kane is not only a fun scorer to watch, but he also knows how to throw down. Perhaps his greatest highlight last year was knocking Pittsburgh's tough guy Matt Cooke flat on his arse.

6. Evgeni Malkin. Malkin is one of those players that can absolutely dazzle. I've never been a big fan of the Penguins but its hard not to respect the talent of Malkin. When Malkin is hot he knows how to find a lot of twine.

7. Sidney Crosby. If I mention Malkin, I have to mention his teammate Crosby. Crosby is one of the faces of the NHL, hes one of the most well known players, and really was on the forefront of the youth movement. Hes scores, he fights, he passes, he rallies his team. A fantastic player and captain.

The next and final 3 guys are all rookies this year, and very likely going to be future stars.

8. Jordan Eberle. I watched Eberle's first NHL appearance live, and he was hard not to appreciate the talent, and by that I actually mean swoon like a schoolgirl. Eberle is going to be electrifying. Along with first round pick this year Taylor Hall, Edmonton is on their way to building a great team.

9. Taylor Hall. Edmonton had to choose between Tyler Seguin or Taylor Hall for the first round pick this year and they went with Taylor Hall. I think they made the right choice. Hall has that poise and determination that will make him a great player. He has two goals this season and they aren't exactly highlight reel material but here is the first NHL goal for this future star.

10. Tyler Seguin. Just because Edmonton got the so called better pick, Boston got another young superstar with with second pick in Tyler Seguin. Seguin is a really fun guy to listen to in interviews because hes really at ease, and his play style is also fun to watch. Definitely looking forward to Tyler as much as Taylor.

Gratitude Mission, Day 6: Say thanks for (or put some) fun in the mail

2010-11-07T08:26:00.000-08:00

I rarely get meaningful snail mail anymore. It's kind of like an antiquated relic of the olden days it seems. The only thing I get in the mail are advertisements, bills, and very occasionally something from a relative.

That is except for the package I got in the mail a couple weeks ago.

It was a smallish box from the postal service which initially I was dumbfounded by because I couldn't think of anything Kim or I had ordered online recently.

It turned out to be a care package from the womens group at the Lutheran Church which my family is part of. It was actually the second one I had received from them although this one really surprised me because I expected it to be a one time thing, in fact my address had changed so they even took the time to track down my new address to send me another one.

The box was absolutely loaded with candy, snacks, and school supplies. They really went all out to spoil me. Although I'm not sure who ate more of it, me or my
roommate!

Needless to say this was a very kind gesture, and I was grateful to receive it!

Thanks again, Ladies of the Luthern Church!

Thank someone who makes a loved one’s life better | Day 5 of 30Thanks

2010-11-05T08:20:00.001-07:00

Perhaps I'll allow myself to cheat slightly with today's gratitude mission. Instead of thanking just one person I would like to thank several people.

Those several people are my parents neighbors, and even though I don't live with my parents anymore I still very much think of them as my neighbors too.

I think as my brother and I got older and eventually moved out it was really nice to know that our parents were in good company.

It is difficult for me to pretend I know every way that our neighbors effect my parents lives, but I know for sure that it is such a positive one.

The newest member of our neighborhood community is Diane, who rents the trailer behind my parents house. I know that Diane has been one of the best tenants my parents have ever dealt with. She does a wonderful job keeping her place nice and is always paying on time. Not to mention the most important thing which is that Diane opens her deck to friends once a week and I know my Mom really enjoys being invited and socializing with her "girls group" or whatever shes calling it.

Of course I can't forget our other neighbors Karen and Caleb and their little girl Mikayla which I probably butchered the spelling of. Karen and Caleb are a lot of fun and I know my parents just love having a little kid around again. They were always saying I grew up too fast.

And there is Les and Mary who live on the other side of us, who my parents have lived beside for a couple of decades if I'm not mistaken. Les and Mary are two of the most kind hearted people I've ever met. Mary and my Mom both have that love of taking care of animals that exceeds normal amounts of compassion. Mary takes care of the neighborhood stray cats by giving them food and water. Not to mention several of her own. Les on the other hand is handy-man extraordinaire. A locksmith by trade but really he can fix or build just about anything. I know my parents feel very grateful for his skills! And I should mention that I DO TOO!!

And there is Ilene across the street who despite having some health problems and losing her husband recently is always seeming to radiate that positive attitude and kindness which is such a great quality in a neighbor. I know my parents like having her next to them. Getting a wave and a smile from Ilene is one of those things that is just part of being home.

This assignment is a little difficult because I think it is sort of hard to speak for someone else, and unfortunately I probably missed a lot of important details about why our neighbors make my parents life better, but I'm certain that they mean a lot to my parents. I've heard my mom say on several occasions that she feels really great about the little community they have and I know what she means.

Being surrounded by our great neighbors is definitely one thing I miss about home.

Thank a utility or service worker | Day 4 of 30thanks

2010-11-04T09:14:00.001-07:00

Utility and service workers do so much for us and yet many of them remain unknown and nameless to us. We see them sometimes, in the thick of their work doing things to keep us comfortable and happy in our modern life and yet they are sometimes no more to us than "the guy" or "the woman" who does something.

Today I would like to thank one of those nameless workers, I don't mean "nameless" as a figure of speech either.. I do actually mean nameless.. sadly I never got his name.

He was the maintenance man at Colonial Crest apartments where my girlfriend and I recently lived in Bloomington.

Our experience living at that apartment was pretty sub par. Management was always changing and were generally uncooperative, the internet sucked, the building was old, the dish washer didn't work... basically everything you would expect from a relatively low-rent apartment complex.

However one major bright spot of our experience there was our maintenance man. Through our time at the apartment we ran into quite the far share of utility failures and appliance issues and the maintenance man was always very prompt in coming to our place to fix whatever we had wrong.

But really it wasn't that he was just prompt, he always had a smile on his face and he was just one of those people that radiated with positive attitude. I always felt like he liked coming to our place, and he always gave me a wave and smile when I saw him around the complex.

During a time when it seemed like a lot of our complaints were ignored he finished every job to the best of his abilities and often times got pretty dirty doing it. I felt very lucky to have a guy like him around us.

I feel bad because he always called me by name but I never did get his name...

Unfortunately I think many others know exactly what I'm talking about..to many of us these workers are nameless, even if we greatly respect the work they do.

Remember to get the name of your maintenance man next time, I'm sad I didn't, but I'm really thankful we had him and he is one thing I will always miss about those apartments.

Gratitude Mission, Day 3: Thank someone who makes you laugh

2010-11-03T08:17:00.000-07:00

I thought I would get on this gratitude party my cousin is doing over on her blog marissabracke.com

There are a lot of people that make me laugh, both people that I know and people that I don't know. Interestingly the guy I want to thank for making me laugh today I don't actually know, but after listening to him several times I'm pretty sure I know more about him than most comedians!

That guy is Mike Birbiglia. I first heard this comedian on one my favorite podcasts (This American Life). Every time he does a segment on This American Life I laugh my ass off. I was immediately drawn to his style because it was very conversational and simple, and he was an excellent story teller.

A couple weeks ago I was overjoyed when I noticed updating my podcasts that he was featured on NPR's Fresh Air. (interview link)

In the interview he talks a lot about his life, and his style of comedy and he really hits on this idea that comedy is supposed to be about talking about stuff that makes us uncomfortable, and that is exactly what he does. Whether its talking about his first makeout session, getting bullied, his parasomnia disorder, or even his bout with cancer, he puts a lot of his personal life on the line, and casts it in a comedic light.

I could go on for quite some time about why I like Mike Birbiglia. To keep it short; When I'm commuting and he comes on my Ipod, I don't want the drive to end.

Thank you for making me laugh Mike Birbiglia.

A ride into the past

2010-08-02T18:30:00.000-07:00

Tonight I decided to take a bike ride.

My first bike ride in years, and yes I suppose it is true that "You can't forget to ride a bike"

I pedaled across the streets and sidewalks of my childhood, basking in the ghostly humid dusk of early August. It's interesting how quickly a pleasure like bike riding is lost in the glow of late adolescence when the efficiency and allure of a car overtakes the old reliable bicycle.

It amazed me how the old wreck of simplistic machinery was able to evoke such vivid images of my past...Particularly the years before middle school. Something about summer always seems to hold a window to the emotions of yesterday.

As I drifted up and down the roads my mind remembered what summer meant as a child.

Long summer days, when time went slow and the joy of being young never ended. The nights spent swinging in the tire swing and whacking hockey balls against the stairs, playing video games in the crisp air conditioning, and of course riding bikes.

Back then I wished August would never come, because that meant school was almost starting again. There is something so sacred about nights of late summer. August meant finality, that all good things must come to an end, and yet even in the waning moments of summer there was still hope that there was still some summer enjoyment left.

Summer is so unlike any other season.. The days and nights are long, and the days and weeks bleed together in one sticky hot bliss, and yet it all seems to come to an abrupt end quicker than we want it to-- particularly as kids.

Sometimes I feel it is the only real bittersweet season, It lasts long enough to build such awesome soul embedded memories and yet it has such a definitive end.

As I've grown up I've began to look forward to school starting much more than I ever did before, but for some reason as I rode tonight that stirring childhood thought of the end of summer reminded me so vividly what it felt like to cling to those final moments.

Sam

The tune has changed

2010-07-29T19:35:00.000-07:00

Today I logged another couple miles with my Dad

It was a nice relatively cool evening and there were a number of other people out enjoying the Ossian park trail.

As usual my Dad said Hello to every single one of them, except it so happened that every person we saw had headphones in their ears.

After a non-response from the second person with headphones in my Dad said something disgruntled about ipods and how he doesn't like them.

"Well Dad you know I run with an iPod if I'm not running with you" I responded..
"I know you do" he said back in a defeated tone.

It's a conversation we've had before...

It's centered around the idea that the current generation of technology has caused park-goers to become incredibly disconnected from the friendly "Hello's, and "how are you's" that my Dad believes are part of the way people should act.

In fact he once suggested that people should yell to people in front of them on the trails if they are approaching so that one person doesn't run into another.

I of course thought this idea was laughable considering the sheer number of people with headphones, as well as the fact that if everyone on foot stays in the same side of the track there should be no issues.

My Dad of course refused to see it that way, instead he thought it was just people "generally not giving a shit like they used to".

Interestingly it also brings up another point that technology has become much different than it used to.

"You know Dad, if you had iPods when you were younger you would have loved them too" I suggested

"I know it....we just never had anything that portable" He said again sounding slightly defeated.

Right after I said that we passed another person with headphones, this guy looked like he was around my Dad's age.

"See Dad, even that guy has an iPod" I said

"I bet if we got you an iPod and put some of your favorite music on it you would love it....I bet your mile times would increase quite a bit" I joked.

Dad then talked about some music he would like to put on an ipod, and agreed he would probably end up running faster.

I can't help but wonder what it will be like for me when I'm my Dad's age. Maybe ill look at the technology of tomorrow and think people are "missing the point" somehow.

I guess I'll have to get back to you on that one

Sam

90 Miles in 90 Days: A Father Son Adventure

2010-07-28T19:01:00.001-07:00

The rebirth started in the fall,

The sport of hockey crept back into my life. As a young kid I was obsessed with hockey and for some reason all the passion and love of the sport came rushing back to me as I began following the game again.

Of course anyone who really loves a sport, also loves to play it. Hockey was no different. So the early fall of last year I began forming a roller hockey club at IU with other diehard hockey fans. Eventually we were playing 2-3 times a week whether it rained, snowed, or was 20 degrees. It didn't matter, as long as our goalie showed up and there was a hockey ball we played.

Of course playing roller hockey requires a good amount of endurance. Now at the time I was going to the gym regularly and had lost a good chunk of weight but I was still lacking in endurance. Hockey made me want to push myself even harder. This included attempting to run.

Running had always seemed to me as the ultimate test of fitness, no cardio-machine or indoor workout could match the sheer primal and visceral experience of shoes on pavement. So I decided to start jogging, which of course was pretty bleak at the start. My 240lb body and unconditioned cardio-vascular system would defeat me
on the track/trail much quicker than I wanted it to. So I amped up my workouts at the gym and played as hard as I could on the hockey court so that soon I could enter the holy grail of fitness.

Here's where my Dad comes in.

I'm home from school visiting my folks one weekend and I ask my Dad if he would like to go for a jog with me. Now my Dad hadn't run in at least 15-20 years (I think?) but I thought I would ask anyway.. I honestly figured it was a longshot if he was to say 'yes'.

I remember the conversation because my Dad quickly shot me down. It was a sort of trained response almost as if he accepted that with his age and work schedule any sort of physical activity like that would be silly. I didn't think much of it at first, but it wasn't long after that as I was started to get ready for my jog that he came in to my room and said "You know... I would actually really like to do that"

So my Dad went into his room and found an old ratty pair of running shoes from his days of when he used to run all the time- sometimes over 6 miles a day! and we set out for the park trail.

I guess that day must have been my dad's version of fitness re-birth. He realized that even being 60 years of age he could could still run. He was a shell of his former self in terms of how far he could run, but could still do it! After all those years he still had that spark of passion for an activity he used to love. Ever since that day my Dad has been running. He usually runs around the Ossian park trail and hes actually worked himself back up to being able to do 4 miles without stopping, a feat that continues to impress me and take pride in him. He might not say it, but I think hes pretty damn proud too of how far hes come and how long hes kept it up.

Since I've been home for the summer I've had the pleasure of sharing his experience and building my own fitness greatly. In June my Dad told me about a work incentive at his factory that encouraged participating employees to walk 90 miles in 90 days. Dad brought it up in casual conversation, one of many seminar's he attends at his work to kill 15 minutes of time that isn't spent on the factory floor.

As we went around the track that day I got to thinking that this 90 miles in 90 days could be something that Dad and I could do together as a father son activity that would also help us accomplish our goals. My dad joked that the prize is probably nothing more than a pat on the back and a sticker with his factories logo, but still.. it seemed to me like a great opportunity.

So we started it, each keeping track of our own miles since we often log miles at different times. Still it remains very much a shared activity. Along the way I've increased my physical condition greatly-- reaching fitness goals I almost never dreamed of. In fact when I first started attempting to lose weight and get in shape 2 years ago I remember walking the park trail because I was too out of shape to do anything else, and I kept thinking I can't wait until the day that I'm no longer too encumbered and out of shape so that I can run around this whole track without stopping. Today I can very proudly say that I can successfully run that track in under 12 minutes. Along with shedding even more pounds I've also increased my endurance significantly which has very much aided my hockey playing abilities.

As for Dad, I'm pretty sure it's been somewhat a piece of cake. I'm honestly not sure exactly how he does it. He works 40+ hours a week laboring in a hot factory and he still finds time to log a sizable handful of miles each week (running most of them) When our schedules have allowed us to run together it has been a great experience. My dad makes me laugh every time with his quirks, such as the fact the he feels the need to say hello to every single person that we encounter on our course. If he sees someone walking a dog, he always says "watch out, it'll bite your leg off" whether the dog is a Poodle or a German Shepard, it gets some curious looks sometimes but my Dad doesn't care. He comes from an era where apparently everyone was always neighborly and friendly... perhaps society would be better if everyone were still like that.

I finally convinced my Dad to buy a new pair of running shoes, since his were old and worn and it didn't take a running expert to guess that they probably weren't good for his joints. It took some pestering on my part but he finally decided to do it and I'm extremely proud he did. Not just because he works so hard and doesn't see a ton of payoff, but simply because it was a full on acceptance that running had once again become a true hobby for him. He had regained something that he lost earlier in life and he didn't want it to slip away from him again.

I hope nothing changes, Together Dad and I have both decided collectively, but in different ways that some things in life are worth being passionate for. Even if it means starting over at 20+ or 60+ it is never too late to do what you love.

I hope I can share many more miles with him

Sam

A hockey love story; Why I love the game

2010-01-12T13:40:00.001-08:00

There is something about Hockey, something fundamental about it, something that damn near runs in my blood it seems. It's like a true passion.. yet for many years it is a passion that I ignored.

When I was young... say between the ages of 6-11 I was in love with the sport of hockey. I still vividly remember sitting in my parents dining room (which was actually both a dining room and a fancy sitting room) watching NHL hockey on a small TV. I taped practically every game that was on TV and would re watch good matches over and over.

When my parents got ESPN2 the amount of hockey games I could watch almost doubled. I still remember my mom telling me about it and my excitement literally exploding. In the beginning there wasn't a certain team that I liked. I was torn between the Blackhawks or the Red Wings. The Blackhawks were the first obvious choice because most of my immediate family were from Chicago and die hard bulls. However it wasn't long before I fell in love with the Detroit Red Wings. I don't exactly know what it was.. but there was something almost magical in my young mind about the 90's Red Wings. So they became my team. I remembering reading the newspaper TV schedule every time it came out, eagerly hoping to see Detroit Vs ______.

At that age I lived and breathed hockey. I remembering begging me parents whenever possible to take me to our local pharmacy which rather ironically sold some of the coolest hockey trading cards so that I could persuade them to buy me a pack or two.

But of course as young kids do, you also play the sports you love with the unabashed enthusiasm that some day you too will be a star. I believed In my naive little mind that someday I would feel the lights of an NHL stadium beaming down at me while everyone cheered my name.

So I would practice everyday on the porch.. smacking a hockey ball into the brick wall so that it would come flying back at me and I could practice my "saves." Eventually I used the stairs as well but that resulted in a number of broken windows much to my parents intense displeasure.

Sadly though as time went on and I grew up, my interests changed and hockey was abandoned for the other pleasures and displeasure's of teenage life.

Last Spring though, everything I loved about the game came roaring back. The 09 NHL playoffs had began and had heard from a friend that it was going to be a wide open event, with several teams competing for a real chance at the cup.

One of those teams was the Chicago Blackhawks. They immediately drew my attention, because back when I followed hockey in my younger years the Hawks were never very good which as a little kid made them tough to root for. Yet now they had all the promise in the world. Their young stars Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews were incredibly fun to watch and it didn't take long before I had jumped the bangwagon and began rooting for them.

Of course, changing allegiance to a team in sports is a big no no, because then you're a "bandwagon" fan. Honestly though I didn't care. After all, I hadn't followed hockey in years and the Red Wings were only my team as a kid because they won all the time and I was able to follow them on television with regularity. Now it just seemed different. The game had changed quite a bit, new rules (including a salary cap) and the Red Wings just didn't seem like my team anymore. Most of the players I loved as a kid had retired or gone to other teams as well. Plus the big bonus of the hawks is that all their games are televised (Most on CSN-CH which is a basic channel for most providers)

So here I'm, just about as addicted to hockey now as I was when I was 7 years old. So in honor of my newly reborn love for the sport I will present a list of 5 things that I love about hockey. On a side note the idea for this is stolen from Puck Daddy. http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/blog/puck_daddy which often features a "5 Reasons so-and-so loves hockey.

5 Things I love about Hockey

1. Fighting- Hockey might just be the only sport that features fighting and Hitting (Checking)as a viable part of the game. Some people think that Hockey fights detract from the game itself but I tend to disagree. Fighting is often an important part of the game. Fighting is a way to protect players from dirty play as well as a possible way to swing momentum. And of course hockey fights are just fun to watch.

2. The Stanley Cup Playoffs- The quest for Lord Stanley's cup is one of the most epic sport battles. In my opinion the intensity of just about any Stanley Cup series is more interesting than any Superbowl. What I like the most about hockey playoffs is the fact that each series requires a team to win the best of 7 games. With that system the best team always wins because there is enough of a chance to prove it. Plus with each won series the intensity amps up.

3. Hockey Jerseys- Hockey Jerseys are simply the best sports uniform out there in my opinion. They all are brilliantly colored and feature bold and memorable logo's. Football, baseball, and basketball Jersey's all look plain compared to the old hockey sweater.

4. The Shootout- This was a recent addition to the game that (in my opinion) makes the regular season a lot more interesting. If the game reaches overtime they teams play 4v4 for 5mins, and if that fails to produce a goal the games goes to a shootout. Yeah it's kind of gimmicky but it's really fun to watch and gets rid of the problem of having "ties". Come on.. Nobody likes a tie.

5. Accessibility- I remember back when accessing scores and highlights meant tuning into sports center on ESPN hoping for a glimpse at a goal or a highlight. Now with the advent the internet, everything one could want to know is available at the click of a mouse. In fact fans can even watch live games online for the same price as a subscription to NHL Center Ice. (which is fantastic if you can afford it) Plus with twitter and facebook it's so easy to connect with other fans in real time. I love having a twitter stream going during a game. It's really fun to see everyone talking about a game in real time. Plus watching hockey is easier than ever as most cable or satellite packages feature at least one regional sports network such as "Comcast Sports Net" or "Fox Sports Net" that broadcasts a significant number of hockey games.

Unclarified Ramblings of the Past

2009-12-22T23:15:00.000-08:00

It started with looking for chapstick before bed...

Tucked away in my nightstand was a treasure trove of paper relics opening a gateway to my past. As I looked through my collection of old notes, pictures, and cards I was overcome with the realization of the past, and I how I have changed so much in the course of a few years.

The first relic was a worn, and stained note from my cousin Alex. It was his final word to me after spending many hours and weeks one summer tutoring me for the ISTEP test. His words were sentimental and are actually more profound to me now then they were then. I always appreciated that he did that for me and the note meant a lot to me then.

I found out today that I passed my college algebra course, and I'm now officially set to take what will probably be my final math class. I remember thinking when I began math again it college that I would NEVER make it back to a college math level, but as it turns out I Did. In the end all it took was for me to stop resisting it. I had to stop telling myself, this is pointless, therefore I shouldn't do it. Instead I just focused on one problem and a time, and hacked through it. As I read Alex's note from several years ago, it said basically the same thing that I have now come to realize now-- I'm more capable at Math than I give myself credit for.

The second relic was a birthday card my Uncle Monty had given me for my 19th Birthday. The card featured a little boy, (with striking similarity to me as child) in a kitchen using a metal pot as a drum. The card proclaimed something about marching to my own beat. Monty wrote a short message inside which echoed the idea that I should follow my own beat even when that's hard to do. I remember holding the card very dear at the time I received it because I had found out that I didn't get into IPFW and made the decision to take a semester off. During those months after I felt incredibly abandoned by my family who were afraid if I didn't go to school right away I would be a failure. Yet I followed my own beat and now I'm in school and doing great.

The Third relic was a card written by my cousin Marissa which was given to me with a book about historical mysteries. I received this card out of the blue from her while she was away at law school and it basically explained that I should seriously consider history as an eventual major in school. At the time I received the card my mind was so far away from school that I imagine I took less time thinking about a path in history and more time reading the book she sent and moving on. Yet now as I'm officially a history major in school this letter holds all the more significance. It makes me even more sure I'm making the right choice.

The fourth relic was a pile of letters and cards that Kim had written me very early in our relationship. These were definitely a trip down memory lane. It took me back to when were still in High School, a new couple, completely infatuated with one another. Everything was new and fresh and just being apart for a few days was a big deal. One of the relics was a postcard from Palm Springs Florida. She took a vacation there in the spring of her Senior year with her mom and aunt. It was our first obstacle in our relationship--being apart for 4 days HAHA! Then there was a letter I got after her graduation that tackled the topic of that summer. She was going off to camp and I would only see her on weekends. We weren't sure how often we could talk on the phone and as it turned out we could only talk for maybe an hour a night. Then as soon as we got through that, she was off to college and it felt like my world was ending. I still vividly remember driving away from her house that August evening before she left for school, the sun setting over the cornfields that I drove by so many times that summer. I remember fearing that she would leave for school and never call me back. It's so irrational to think about it now, I was paranoid, of course she called me back as soon as she got in Bloomington practically and then after one phone call I finally got it through my head that it would work. Now here we are-- 2 1/2 years later and still going strong.

And finally there was the 5th relic. A wallet sized picture of Grandma and Grandpa. It was their 60th anniversary picture. Since Grandma just passed away this of course held a lot of significance seeing it amongst all the other relics. It just reminded me that so much of my life, I owe to their example. I miss Grandma very much.. I keep thinking every time I visit Grandpa that she will return from the bathroom and sit down in her chair and we would resume a great conversation. Yet while I feel sad that shes no longer physically here, I take much happiness in the fact that her peaceful exit to this world left so much great legacy. I truly feel that she is with me every single day. I know people say that about dead people a lot... but with Grandma I really truly believe it. Her personality is intertwined with mine, and I will always try to lead by her example. Grandpa of course is just as significant. He is the family rock, and I will always look to him as an example of the right way to be a "man." When I look at my Grandpa I see a man who will always work incredibly hard to provide for his family. I also see a man who truly kept his wedding vows, "Til death do us part." He never stopped loving my Grandma and I think that is the way it should be. When you meet the right person you should love them forever, and he did this.

Who knew looking for a salve to my dry lips could lead to such a soul opening trip down memory lane. I'm glad that I went through that drawer tonight. I really think I've grown a lot in just these last few years. I think these crazy ponderings might just prove that.

Monday Mash Up #1

2009-11-16T09:42:00.001-08:00

I really liked the lists that my cousin has been doing over on her website www.marissabracke.com , so I decided I would give the same thing a shot to see if the creative idea would get me writing on here again.

Here are the following guidelines as taken from her website:

"The Monday Mashup is an experiment, designed to get my creative juices flowing. I get a random word and a random number, and I write a list based on that mashup. I’m not going to require myself to make the list perfect or expert–just requiring myself to do it consistently. At least for now."

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Monday Mash Up #1

2 ways I can make myself more "reliable"

1. Reliability is something that everyone would like to believe of themselves but sometimes we fall short of the effort required to be reliable. This is the first major thing I could improve in myself. To think someone is reliable, one has to feel that said person would be willing to do something asked of them in a timely manner. Of course I get upset if I think of someone as reliable and then they don't come through for me, but if and when that happens, it probably occurs because of how I've been to them. In a nutshell I think in every day life I need to become "available" to people and show effort to do activities that aren't necessarily my priority. If I don't make myself reliable to others why would they do the same to me.

2. Another point of reliability I need to work on is my follow through. It is one thing to do something, another thing all together to do it well. This is a big one for me that I'm definitely in the process of working on. Back in High School I was the king of doing things very half assed. Now that I'm a little older and wiser I have come to understand that nobody gets anywhere in life by doing things the easy way. The exact same principle applies to reliability. I can't consider myself reliable if I don't complete things (both requested my others) and intrinsic things if I don't fully apply myself to them.

Now is the part where I ask anyone else if they want to take a stab at it! How can you make yourself more reliable?

Revelations

2009-08-05T21:18:00.000-07:00

Tonight was a rough night. I suppose that's probably the reason I've decided to dust off the old blog.

My girlfriend and I had one of those discussions about the current status of our relationship and it's future and it was a little unsettling to me. Some of the reasons that brought on the discussion were misunderstandings, or lack of proper communication, but others were eye openers for me.

It is one these eye openers that I feel is worth discussing/ or at least blasting into the abyss of the worldwide web.

First of all, I have become (or rather have been) maintaining a very defeatist attitude about my weight. I bitch about it rather constantly, and she has been a sounding board for a lot of it. When I sit down and actually think about the sheer amount of time I have spent dwelling on it, or beating myself up over it, it becomes rather unsettling revelation, and I feel absolutely awful how much I must have annoyed her with it. The fact is she has been an incredible support to me on it, and it is unfair that I treat the weight issue with such negativity. Ultimately not only does the defeatism hurt our relationship but it hurts my progress of trying to lose the weight and most importantly make healthy choices. My weight has been an issue for a longtime and it has now been exactly one full year that I have worked to become healthier. This includes a goal of 5 days of physical activity per week and working on my ability to choose healthier foods/portions whenever possible. The truth is, when I put aside the negativity (that I haven't become skinny as a rail) and see that I have actually made a lot of progress it makes me feel good. I know this is a major thing I need to focus on. I have more energy, can run further, and have more endurance than I use to, and I have lost some poundage. Looking at the big picture I know I need to let myself feel a lot more proud of my accomplishments and not dwell on the things I haven't accomplished (some of which are probably unrealistic)

The other thing is concerned with my level of drive and maturity. I have matured and changed a lot but I need to keep growing/worker harder in the aspect of applying myself to the academics. I have been managing pretty good grades but I also need to admit to myself that I could have done a lot better if I cut down on the video games and worked harder on my studies. Programming is a key example, I let that class fall to the wayside and I probably could have done better if I applied myself more. Going forward in the future I wont have nearly the opportunities to slack of as I do now.

I find myself writing this because I think it is important to come clean to myself about how I've been acting and I hope it allows me to move forward.

Fundamental truths and why Wooderson was right

2009-06-29T21:18:00.000-07:00

Today I thought of a quote from the character Wooderson(Matthew McConaughey)from the movie Dazed and Confused.

"The older you get, the more rules they are going to try and get you to follow. You just gotta keep on livin', man. L-I-V-I-N."

It is actually one of my favorite movies and favorite quotes.

It is kind of a personal motto to me.

And as I sit here and think of where I'm at in my life, and where I'm heading It makes sense.

I used to spend time thinking that I was a failure. In fact if you want to read about it just go back through my posts on here and read my xanga blog. What you will find is outright aggression towards my future.

I realized something this year, in order to find happiness, at least for myself, I must define my own successes. Because the fact is I can't live for other people and never will.

I think I have fought with that my whole life, the idea that I have to do the right thing, not for myself but for parents, family, friends, society, teachers, hell... anybody that is not ME.

I didn't try very hard in High School, and perhaps part of me regrets that but at the same time it is a blessing in disguise because it created such a unique situation for me.

I got out of high school and the last thing I wanted to do was jump right into college. And yet that was what I had been conditioned to believe. That was a stressful time in my life. My cousins had all went through Indiana University and it was as if I was "expected" to take the same path. My older cousin would call me periodically during my junior/senior year and make pitches about how I should go to IU.

I always said I was interested, and maybe to an extent I was, but it was always half-halfheartedly. I knew he just wanted to me to succeed and I'm really grateful for the caring thoughts I got from him and others but I couldn't help but feel like I was stuck being a product of the path my family had already created.

So when I didn't have an answer.. or a high school diploma worth a shit, I decided to take a semester/year off.

I fundamentally believe it was the best decision I could have made. It wasn't easy at the time. The system of friends/family/teachers that had been so supportive began to give me plenty of signals that I would end up nothing but a failure and that hurt a lot but I knew then and I know now that they just wanted the best for me.

What happened that summer and fall working at pizza hut cannot easily be explained without long winded poetic gobbledygook. Long story short I'm a big advocate for students taking a least a semester off before going to college. After going to Bloomington to visit Kim a few times, it was as if the comfort of living with my parents soon turned into a prison cell. I remember sitting in my room staring up at the ceiling one night with Bruce Springsteen's "Born to Run" still blasting in my eardrums and having a clear epiphany that I wasn't happy living with my parents anymore and that I was ready to move out. I had taken a few classes already but it was that moment that I knew I was ready to pursue an education for myself. It was a groundbreaking moment, and it was like it all made sense, I needed to do it for me and nobody else.

So I moved to Bloomington and took my first full time load of classes since high school and finished my first semester at with a 4.0 GPA. That felt pretty good, it felt good to be succeeding by myself like that. Somehow it just clicked for me, I tried hard in my classes and my effort was rewarded. I believe it made all the difference for me to be taking classes for myself, and not for some state mandated program, or because my family told me to.

I'm still finding my way.. and I don't pretend to know all the answers but one thing I have learned is that success in school comes from personal desire...one cannot force it. I see college students failing because their heart was never in it in the first place.

Parents and guidance counselors need to stop putting so much pressure on kids in high school to go to a 4 year college and get a degree as the only way to have a successful life, because it doesn't work that way. Times have changed. If they want a degree at a 4 year name-brand college let them decide that themselves.

One day when my mom and I were arguing about whether or not I would be a failure if I took a semester off I asked her "what happens to the kid who just wants to work after school, does anyone love him/her" It was a comment that came out of me while I was at the end of my rope but I stand by it. Seriously I think it is that bad at times that amidst the frustration parents don't see the big picture, In fact I had to print a web page off of the SAT government website that said "believe it or not taking a semester off is just fine!" I got so much flak for taking a semester off I can't imagine how bad it is for others. Society has to stop with the outright pressure and start offering more encouragement. Because the truth is not every person is built to succeed in the exact same way. We want to believe that every student has to go to a 4 year college right after high school, and it just doesn't work that way.

Right now I'm succeeding at a community college. I have an IVY Tech window sticker in the back of my car, and I might even buy a T-shirt from the book store. It makes me smile inside every time I see that sticker too because It reminds me that it is my school. Nobody else in my family except for Uncle (for a brief time) went to Ivy Tech. The experience is all my own, and the makes me extremely happy.

One of my bosses once told me something along the lines of "Only retards have to go to Ivy Tech" That used to linger in my mind and cause a lot of self doubt but what I have come to realize is that like I said before, if one learns to define one's own successes then happiness will follow, and in the end no matter what, the most important thing in life is to be happy.

and..All things considered, I think I'm pretty happy right now.

-Sam

A cup of Ethics

2009-05-29T13:33:00.000-07:00

Last night as I battled my insomnia I found myself reading a full page advertisement in my parents latest issue of TIME magazine. The add was for the most wondrous place on earth; Starbucks!

Well at least it it is wondrous to me. I have loved Starbucks ever since I had my first cup of Joe there several years ago. I consider myself to be somewhat of a coffee nerd. I know a little bit more about various blends, and origins, of the bean than do most consumers. So of course Starbucks is my place.

Really though, it doesn't take a connoisseur to love Starbucks. Most people I know have various favorite $4.50 cups of sugar, milk, and syrup that they love to order there. But it has been obvious in the recent economic situation that many regulars are now just going to Starbucks for the occasional treat.

It totally makes sense too, for the average coffee drinker the home coffee pot, as well as cheaper alternatives like McDonalds are become the ideal choice.

Anyways, this full page, wonderfully colored ad really caught my attention. It was advertising Starbucks on 3 points

1. We care about the farmers
2. We care about the quality
3. We care about the Employee

Surprisingly, the article didn't say anything about cost effectiveness, in fact it openly admitted consumers pay more for what they get at Starbucks. Initially this ad seems like idiocy, How in the world does this add make Starbucks seem appealing when everyone's biggest concern is their wallet.

But wait, maybe there is more to this that what it initially seems.

After doing a little bit of goggling, I realized that Starbucks clientele may not be in the older generations, they are the ones who are quickly turning to places like McDonalds for their caffeine fix...And really it makes perfect sense. When I think of my dad, he could care less about coffee. He laughs out loud everytime I'm in the kitchen grinding up my own premium beans instead of drinking his faucet water flavored coffee-ish substance.

However, it turns out the millennial generation still cares a bit about the experience of Starbucks because they are the ones who still prefer it. This also makes sense. The sophisticated atmosphere and hip feel of Starbucks plays into our generations psyche.

This is where the ethics come in. One of the ad's selling points was that Starbucks gives it's employees full health insurance at 20hrs a week. I couldn't believe that an advertisement would sell on a point like that.

But I think if there is one truth about the Millennial generation is that in general...We care.

We want to know that the higher powers above us doing things ethnically correct. Were not really the generation to turn a blind eye.

So here is where the advertisement might actually work. It speaks to those in the younger generation that

"Yes, maybe we can't offer prices, and we know the economy sucks, but what we can assure you is that when you buy a cup of joe starbucks your buying what is morally right. You know you're helping out farmers, and assuring that we can maintain a well trained and happy staff."

That's how I read it, and I think that is how others my age might read it too. It will be interesting to see in the future if this sort of advertising pays off. Starbucks has a tough road ahead but maybe they will find that ethics actually does sell the bean.

My Review of the Office (Season 5)

2009-05-15T21:58:00.000-07:00

So the fifth season of The Office just ended and since I'm a rabid fan of the show I decided I would write a review. However if your expecting it right now I can't give it to you. That is because I'm actually going to go back and watch the entire season again and then write a somewhat "official review" I can say with experience that the office requires more than a single watch per episode to fully appreciate it.

What I do want to note are my initial feelings about this season and what I think it means for the show, and my perception of it.

Here is what I feel right now--These perceptions may change!

A. Dwight has changed too much. Post Angela break up he has become more level headed and even quasi "cool" at times. I'm not sure I understand this. I don't think hes nearly as funny now as he was when he was a complete fool.

B. Jim and Pam. They weren't nearly as fun to watch. I like the fact that the writers actually have them together and I hope it stays that way because it is highly original but what I don't like is how they forcefully injected the relationship with drama. I.E. Pam's parents splitting up, that was dumb, and what is worse is that it was resolved in 1 episode. I like the Office involving subplots that get solved over several episodes, something that Jim and Pam always was. It took them an ENTIRE season to get together, and I liked that because it seemed so natural. That is what evolving as a couple is, it takes time. I think the biggest problem with Jim and Pam is that they didn't explore that initial period of them "dating" we missed that over the summer pre season 4.

C. Not enough real office shenanigans. I know people will disagree with me here but I like the Office when it is seems almost real at times. I loved the episode the surplus for this reason. It was a simple plot with a start and an end in one episode and it portrayed the office workers realistically. Sometimes I feel the writers went a little bit overboard with plots this season. The die hard fans of the Office got into it for its subtleties and I wish the writers would keep it that way. They can't let the mock overtake the umentary.

D.The Andy Angela Dwight love triangle. It just fell flat for me. It seemed highly out of character for Angela to date Andy for so long and ever pretend to like him. The end was funny, but it was also a little over the top, and now Angelas character seems permanently flawed to me.

I felt like overall it was a good season, Initial score would be a B- and that is simply because I felt the show was good but overly Ambitious. I'm excited to see what a second run through will do for me.

Concerning media piracy.

2009-05-02T08:10:00.000-07:00

I read an article on CNN today about the leak of the recent Xmen movie before it was even in theaters. It was a real sad story, about how an industry with over a 10 BILLION dollar surplus was going to lose box office sales because some tech theifs manage to steal their movie and release it on the web.

It is true, I speak with an element of sarcasm in that last paragraph. The reason is because I do not feel bad for Hollywood and in general I do not feel bad for people getting their digital property stolen.

Call me a renegade, but the fact is times have changed. If people ask me why I pirate a song, the simple truth is because to me, the value of music in monetary terms is not what it used to be. In fact it is incredibly low, next to nothing. The thing about it is, music used to be records, tapes, cds. Physical objects that one had tangible ownership to them. Plus there was validity in the idea of having a physical, viewable collection of tunes.

Then came the Mp3 file and everything changed. Music was no longer a physical object, it was a tiny section of memory on a computers hard drive. At that moment, music would never be the same again especially in price. Yet the artists didn't lower the price for awhile after the release of music trading sites. Even now music is still overpriced.

I relate it to the PC itself. Back in the day a personal computer was a big deal. It was hard not to spend like 1000.00 on a machine, that in today's standards was absolute basic. Now you can get a PC to do the same thing, for like 450.00 Why? Because the technology behind making computers changed, they were easier to produce and their value (for the most part) fell in place for what they are actually worth.

Music and movies have never done that.

What I said about mp3s can also be applied to AVI/MPG files. In my mind, they decreased the real value of movies. And what have the movie theaters done? The JACKED up their prices even more. I'm now required to view a movie in theaters for the absolute asinine price of 9.00. That is a complete ripoff, for something that (given services like netflix) I can watch at home on my PC for a fair price.

I understand the value in going to the theaters for the screens and concessions, the whole "experience of it" But come on... 9 bucks is stupid.

The industry needs to realize that times and monetary value of movies/music has changed. Unfortunately the thought of them losing even a tiny bit of their plush empire keeps the prices way to high.

So, people will keep pirating, and I will keep supporting that.

Sam

-Internet Revolutionary Soldier ;-)

2009-03-17T22:08:00.000-07:00

never mind this

2009-03-02T17:50:00.001-08:00

never mind this

Valentines Day...

2009-02-14T23:33:00.000-08:00

It’s funny really… valentines day that is. It’s funny how it is made out to be this glorious and magical holiday where loved ones let other loved ones know how much they care by fabricated pink glory and indulgences of whatever is fitting.

On the other side of the holiday: the V-day underground there are those single people who sit at home and revel in the novelty of being single.. Or the pain of solitude.

I suppose I fit more into the first category. It’s not that Kim and I went all out… but we definitely went a traditional route.. A planned outing to Oliver winery for some wine and chocolate, and then to a cozy Turkish restaurant. A few thoughtful gifts later and the night was done.

She retired to homework and APO planning… and I to my xbox. That was all cupid wrote this year.

Not that I was expecting anything else… no magical revelations or silver screen esque romance.

And yet for a time I sat in front of my screen, listening to music and trying to wrap my head around why I felt a little down about things.

Then the simplicity of it all hit me. Romance is not something that can be forced. It’s not a mandate. The oddity of it and the agony too, is that it finds you.

Tonight was nothing more than a normal date really, I mean sure the gifts and the wine tasting was different, but at no point did I feel saturated with love that only Valentines Day could bring out.

I thought about my friend who’s definitely feeling a bit lonely right now though he won’t admit it. He’s been desperately trying to find himself a girlfriend.

I try to be supportive to him but I realized the maybe the cold reality about romance is that you just have to open to it and let it find you.

Valentines day isn’t going to magically make relationships form. Most successful relationships that I know of came about when people weren’t specifically looking for a relationship. They’re done through the simple networking of everyday life.

I think that is a simple concept to grasp, and probably even clique but then it comes back to Valentines Day. It’s like, even you don’t get wrapped up in the absurdity of it all, I refuse to believe that every single person doesn’t sit back a take stock of their love life, and the validity of relationships, and romance, and for single people trying to find that perfect partner.

And to that I say screw valentines day, because when you really break it down, it’s just a holiday dedicated to looking at love in all the wrong ways.

But hey, that’s just my two,

We've got tonight

2008-12-19T22:09:00.000-08:00

It's been dawning on me lately. Changes are definitely coming...

It hit me hard tonight...

As I looked in the cabinets for a late meal, the only choice was Ramen noodles. Our cabinets are usually fairly full but we didn't want to hit the grocery store again before break. For some reason it just really made me depressed. Maybe it was the back drop of the kitchen table littered with what seems like the majority of our belongings.

We haven't had this much stuff packed up since we moved in. It's only been what... 5 months? Seems like much longer tonight though.

It's hard to believe how quick this place became home to me. I feel comfortable in this apartment. When we first moved in I remember vaguely how it seemed like a hotel room. It's so much more than that now... I told myself that the place would only be home if we filled it with memories to make it seem like one... even in 5 months I can definitely say we did that.

When I come back I hope it will still feel like the same place. We will have a new roommate then. I hope she likes me. I mean sure I'm friends with her but living with her will be a very interesting experience. I can't help but admit my discomfort with the situation. I was never really supposed to be in this situation to begin with. The only reason I'm living here is because she took up an internship in Florida which would have left Kim alone, and paying a disproportionate amount of rent. I feel like when she moves in I will be a third wheel of sorts. After all she never really wanted to live with me--that was never her original choice. I can only hope that I will make a good roommate; and we will get along. If we don't I'm on my own to figure out where to live next year. It's a hard thought to swallow, especially when this place is really starting to feel like home.

Also when I get back, I will be starting a new Major. It's computer networking, something I'm still not sure is the right choice. I like computers and all but I can't help but wonder if it's really what I want to do... or if ill even be cut out for it. If I fail.. It's back to the drawing board...all this uncertainty is really stressing me out.

I will also be turning 21 right when I get back. I'm excited as hell... what college student isn't? But as I ate dinner with my two cousins last night one of them made a good point; Turning 21 is the last age landmark that counts until death..something which is rather depressing.

I feel like there is an iceberg looming ahead of me and I feel like I have to somehow chart "the ship of life" around it without collision, and I'm very worried I'll sink like the Titanic.

I feel like sort like a rolling stone, like that Bob Dylan song.. It's a very weird feeling to not even know what the entire near future holds for me. I'm just going through life like a rolling stone right now.

I need to go to bed so I can travel tomorrow, my road warrior instinct (which I owe to my family) is telling me I need to roll, but I just can't let tonight go..

It all makes sense right now...... and when I come back in like 20 days, everything will be different.. like some kind of an alternate reality.

Lord Beer me strength,

Merry Christmas all

Nevermind this post

2008-12-11T22:32:00.000-08:00

Election Day

2008-11-03T23:41:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is it. The Culmination of 21 months of the Official Obama campaign. For me it's more like the culmination of 4 years.

It seemed like so long ago, and yet so fresh in my memory..

I was watching the Democratic National Committee with my cousin when this dude named Barack Obama took the stage, I had never heard of him before but when he was done I was completely choked up. What was so remarkable about his speech that day was that he managed to strike a something inside of me that I beleive is at the core of America and everything we symbolize; Hope.

I remember thinking back then wouldn't it amazing if Barack Obama would one day be president. Of course back then it was nothing but a daydream. He was black, and nobody thought America was ready for a black president. Still I thought I might live to see the day Obama became president.

That day came sooner than later.

When he announced his campaign I made my first political contribution. It was 5 dollars. That 5 dollars was one of the first 100,000 donations to his campaign. A campaign that now has millions of donors.

These 21 months following this campaign have been awesome. I got to meet Obama twice, I also got to do a good amount of volunteer work. I started dialogues with random strangers in front lawns and parking lots that I will never forget. I stayed up watching every single primary.

When we were up I rejoiced and blasted Springsteen, when were down I listened to his primary speech in New Hampshire, where he coined his slogan YES WE CAN!

No matter what the outcome tomorrow, even if he wins in a landslide, I write tonight with a sleepless heavy heart because I know that the last 21 months were so historical and so powerful that I don't think myself or this nation will fully grasp it for years to come.

People ask why I donated to Obama, or why I volunteerd for him and I always respond with things like "I beleive we need change" or "we need to fix the economy" but really it's more than that. It has to do with the American spirit and progress.

Maybe it's silly but I beleive my part in this campaign is part of a historical tradition. It started with ragtag patriots, with Thomas Paine, and it continued with the spirt of pioneers and immigrants, the progressives, with FDR, and Kennedy, with Martin Luther king, and Civil Rights. the list goes on...I feel like I helped write another page of American history. My spirit is the same spirit hidden within the photographs of the crowd outside the Washington Monument listening to Martin Luther King's dream. The same spirit of the soldiers at Valley Forge who gave all for the cause of Indepdendence when it was all too bleak, the same spirit that drove African Americans to freedom rides and sit ins.

Whenever I felt like the road was too hard for Obama, and trust me there were, this is what I remembered.

Tomorrow I will not vote for myself, I will vote for America. I will vote for the Millions of people who need my vote, and the millions still yet to come.

We can heal this country, we can give liberty and opportunity and hope to all.... I beleive this.

YES WE CAN

Why part of me is Fundamentalist Christian

2008-10-09T23:06:00.000-07:00

Did the title get your attention?

I figured it would.

Yesterday I was nearby the planned parenthood here in Bloomington. I was dropping Kim of to one of her classes and she pointed out a middle aged man in a black jacket and khaki pants holding a rosary and silently reading a small piece of paper standing in the parking lot adjacent Planned Parenthood. As we were stopped at the stop light I found myself fixated on him. Kim said she saw him out there just the previous day as well.

He seemed so attuned to his task. He kept his head bowed and never stopped to look at his surroundings. I wondered to myself what he could be praying for. It was a stupid question really... He must have been praying to save unborn children. He must have been asking God to cleanse the building of what evils a death took place withen it's walls.

As the light turned green and we drove away I said to kim

"Doesn't that seem kind of stupid,"

Yet as soon as I said it I knew I had made a mistake. Inside I immediately knew that I had spoke that without realizing the full scope of my words. The first voice that spoke was my Liberal voice, the one that governs most of thought but unfortunately the Liberal voice is not always the most compromising.

In retrospect I had a sense of admiration for the man. He reminded me a lot of myself.

Just this last May I stood outside of a polling place near my hometown and held an Obama sign for 5 hours. This was my election day objective as given to me by my campaign coordinator. It might seem like a stupid task to most but I carried it out with zeal. I stood for those 5 hours with pride knowing that I was serving my cause and creating visibility. Sure my legs hurt, I got rained on a couple times, and I got a bunch of dirty looks but I was a soldier on the front lines....

I think that the man at Planned Parenthood was in a similar situation. Perhaps he was sent to do that by his church. There was something oddly powerful about him. Perhaps it was the rosary hanging from his hands. Rosarys I have always associated with Catholicism and archaic traditions from it's past. He was not a protester. He did not appear to be wanting to garner attention, he was merely there to pray for his cause...and like me standing outside of the polling place, he stood there with concentration and zeal.

There are those in my Liberal Circle of family and friends who will probably think that ideas like this are blasphemous but I have always had a sort of admiration for the Pro-Life community.

It comes back to my Adoption. When speaking about politics with people I like to mention that I'm a product of Pro-Life ideologies. I don't know very much about my adoption but I know that my birth mother was a christian and that she chose the option of life because she knew in her heart and through her faith that it was the right one. It is something that I shall be forever grateful for. Part of me wonders if there was any Pro-Life influences that might have guided her during her days of decision. I find it hard to believe she couldn't have....

This is one of the main reason why beliefs are pretty much aligned with Fundamentalist Christians on abortion. I think the value of a human life overrides the woman or the mans choice to avoid the life altering complications. I think the life cycle of a human being is the essence of beauty. A child is so full of life, and hope, and happiness. I just don't understand how people could chose abortion.

I understand a woman's right to choose, and it is her body but the thought of anyone killing an unborn child is horrible and inexcusable. My birth mother could have chosen abortion and I would not be here typing this now, and every little effect of I have had on the microcosms of this world would never have happened. That story is the story of every unborn child though.

I'm sorry If I have gotten to into politics, this has been something on my mind for awhile and when I saw the man standing with the rosary I felt compelled to express it.

2008-10-01T23:45:00.000-07:00

For some reason I got enspired to write before bed, here's what I got. I haven't written poetry in awhile but I think I struck something good here....

The Old Maple

Once there stood a maple tree.

It was tall and grand

It’s arms reached out like wooden arms

And It’s trunk was thick and Deep

When I was a child

I would swing underneath its shady branches

Singing my favorite songs with Dad

The basket swing would creak and sway in the breeze

The old maples strong arms held the old basket swing tight

Wind would caress my face, swinging free

The old Maple saw my first friendship

A summer afternoon

Two young boys

Swinging on the tree

The tire swing flying high into the air

Pushing, higher, highern higher.

In the fall it would drop thousands of colored leaves all over the lime green grass

The painter’s palette of leaves would crunch under our feet

We would rake them into giant piles and jump into them crashing and crunching

The Old Maple shielding us from the gray skies

In the cold winters

It would watch us as we built snow forts

And sledded down the giant mounds of snow

And when Night came

The old tree watched us walk into our warm homes and shake off our snow covered clothes

Eventually there was no tire swing, or basket swing

No leaf raking or snow fort building.

Only an old Maple Tree looking on

It’s ancient limbs becoming aged and weak

One day the old Maple was gone

Cut down to nothing but a stump of rotten wood

The yard where we played as kids seemed so empty

And the Old Maple which watched us grow up was gone.

epiphany

2008-09-21T22:01:00.000-07:00

In my family suicide has been a topic of discussion lately. It's a dark and grim topic to say the least. Sadly one of my cousin's cousin's committed the act last weekend and the cousin's and their cousin's have been reeling from the loss this week. I know "Cousin's cousin's" sounds odd and perhaps a little funny, sort of a he said she said gaffe but actually our families have always been closer than most average families I would say. This has been a difficult thing and I send my absolute sympathy to the family suffering from this tragic loss.

The topic of Suicide stirred a discussion in our family about High School and the cruelty of peers. The cousin who killed himself was in High School. I should make clear that this post is in no way associating any of the trauma that the student had with hardships suffered at school but that it was merely the segway for discussion within my immediate family.

I have a story I want to get off my chest.

Foremost I should say, I don't want to condemn schools for their lack of bullying control or rant about how much I did or did not suffer myself.

Instead I just want to share a bullying experience that has stayed with me from Middle School...In this case the story is about me being the bully and not coming to the full realization of it until 7 years later.

Names have obviously been changed.
----------------------

It was one of those typical days in middle school. It was lunch time and the rumors of the day were spreading across the tables of various clicks at our school. The big news of the day was that one of the less popular, and often teased kids in my class, "Bill" had written a sappy love letter to one of the more popular girls "Sarah" asking her to the upcoming dance. Sarah was a girl who I coincidentally had somewhat of a crush on.

Unfortunately for Bill, Sarah did not like Bill and so like many immature kids at the kids, she passed his letter on to all of her friends to laugh at. By lunch time it was common knowledge and everyone was laughing at Bill's expense.

I thought it was funny... I teased the kid from time to time. He was one of those guys who had a short temper and got into a lot fights because of it.

I should admit at this point that I'm a bastard, there is no getting around it... But at the same time I can also say Middle School was a bitch and I got teased very badly too. The cold reality of life at my middle school was surviving the social pyramid at which one placed themself on everyday.

When I teased kids who were beneath me on the Social Pyramid I inevitably felt better about myself. At the time I was a miserable wreck of adolescence dealing with the fact that life in middle school was all about submission. Submission to teachers, parents, the fact bodily attributes are changing and making self esteem at an all time low.

So anyways my next memory of the day is as I'm preparing to leave to go home. I remember feeling good because I knew my older cousin was coming to pick me up (He was a High School student at the time.) Riding home with him was absolutely cathartic at the time. There has never been anything in my life more therapeutic than driving home on those middle school afternoons listening to Heavy Metal. We never talked. My cousin would just crank the stereo up and I sat back and let all the frustrations of the day pour out me with the sound of the music that my parents probably would have not approved me listening to had Napster not put it out of their control.

Anyways I'm leaving the school and I'm totally pumped. I see that my cousin has his car parked next to the sidewalk a ways down from the doors and I begin walking towards his car.

A few steps ahead of me is the aforementioned Bill leaving school after his love interest had just embarrassed him and turned him down for the dance.

I felt a surge of confidence I suppose, I felt it was a good opportunity to be the angry asshole middle school kid I was a kick the poor guy while he was down,

I called out to him "Hey Bill, nice love letter you wrote to Sarah!!" Within seconds he was in my face with his fist clenched around the neck of my shirt meeting my face with a fiery look. He said something along the lines of "I will fucking kick your ass shafer" I remember feeling pretty scared. After all Bill was well known for getting it fights and I was more of a wuss myself. It seemed to happen extremely quick.

The next memory is of my cousin emerging from his car and crying out "HEY!" in a very threatning voice to Bill who was borderline strangling me. Without further action Bill took off walking, and I remember thinking he must have been scared away by my cousin. I gathered my composure and walked to the car where my cousin was waiting. I remember saying "Thanks, hes such a faggot" or something equally immature.

With that said I entered his car and we listened silently all the way home as we always did. At the time I remember thinking that the gesture in the parking lot was the coolest thing my cousin did for me in back in those years.

But now I realize that I never deserved his protection.

What I did that day was wrong. There is no excuse for what I did.

Last night I had an epiphany about this memory that I've carried for so long.

Bill probably had one of the worst days of his life that day. At least it would have been for me if something like that happend. The poor guy just wanted a girl he liked to go to the dance with him. He even created the letter for her on his computer. This was a big deal for him and it blew up in his face.

The comment I made to him as I left would have made me want to kill somebody if I was in his shoes. He was on his way out of school probably ready to put the day behind him and there I was to rub his misfourtune in his face again.

I used to believe that what happend that day was just one notch in the endless hell that was my time at Middle School. Collateral Damage.

I do not believe that anymore. I feel absolutely awful about what I did. If there was a way for me to go back into the past and act differently I would.

I think I understand now how messed up middle school was

I became a bully through the very system that should prevent bullying.
The pain I feel right now is every bit deserved....
If only I knew then what I know now........

First one down

2008-08-31T16:47:00.001-07:00

I have officially been living in Bloomington for 1 week and 3 days now. For the most part it is begenning to feel more normal.

I completed my first week of classes and I feel good about going to Ivy Tech here. It doesn't feel that much different than Ft Wayne. There is more people and I never actually had any classes at the main campus in Ft. Wayne as opposed to the 3 classes I have at the main campus here.

I love the culture here. Liberalism is not just a political stance here it is a lifestyle.

Kim and I watched the Democratic National Convention with my aunt and uncle here and talked a great deal of politics. It's so interesting the stark differences between Ossian and here. My aunt and Uncle were utterly shocked at how "Conservative" our high school was about teaching Darwin's theory of Evolultion, and sex education. I always just took this for granted than Norwell was like any public high school.

I'm still trying to maintain my healthier lifestyle here. Eating healthy isn't to hard. Kim and I buy generally only healthy things from the grocery store. Convienantly we have a Marsh right across the street from us and we both have Marsh cards which have already saved us quite a bit of cash.

I'm still working out too. Trying to play tennis or jog at least every other day. We have a great trail for jogging fairly close to our house. We walked there the other day but it was too long for an enjoyable walk.

Hope everyone is well,

Sam

Sam VS the Internet Woes

2008-08-26T12:28:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone,

Just thought I would let you know how I'm doing. I'm begenning to feel more settled here in Bloomington. My classes started yesterday.

Im taking Creative Writing, Introduction to Political Science, Math 044, and American History II.

My history class doesn't start until Friday but I have got my first taste of my other three. I'm looking forward to my Creative Writing and Political Science. It's been awhile since I have done some good creative writing and I'm really exciting about writing again. It's always been on my mind as a major and maybe this class will get me some more taste of that field of study.

Also I think it will be exciting to take political science during this election season. My last political science class which I took senior year of high school was rather bland because of there wasn't really a lot going on in the world of politics.

The apartment is nice. The only annoyance so far has been the internet-- and it was a rather bad one. For some reason the last two days our internet was lagging badly and it made web surfing irritating and online games impossible. Thankfully I was able to get a hold of the company that runs our broadband lines and it appears (Fingers crossed) that they fixed it. My Uncle thought it might be because of excessive bandwidth usage in our apartment complex but the lag issue was prevalent literally every hour of the day!

This problem was so irritating to me... maybe to an extent--- a little more so than it should have been. However this was the first time it really hit me that I was on my own. Back home I would have been able to get my parents or my uncle to help with me but here I'm on my own to deal with technical issues-- and really ALL issues for that matter.

So begins my journey of living on my own :-)

-Sam

Greetings from B-Town

2008-08-23T17:06:00.001-07:00

Hello from B-Town everyone,

Below are a few pics of the apartment. I apologize about the blurriness of some of the pictures. My camera was struggling to take good pictures today... either that or I'm simply bad at operating it. Either way this will give you a little taste of our humble abode. We are mostly moved in now. It was extremely hot today and yesterday and between moving all of our things in, getting all the appliances to work, and running errands to buy essentials or items we forgot, we are pretty tired. Last night we both slept pretty well and look to do the same tonight. So far things are going pretty well around here. Other than a major shouting match between the neighbors catty-corner to us we haven't had any distractions and the place seems pretty cozy. It's hard to believe that I'm really living here though! It still seems kinda like the first day or two in a hotel room, there is still such a foreign feel to it. However the place is begenning to look more and more homey and most of the major projects are done at least for me! Kim still wants to paint her. I'm not super homesick. I got to see my cousin, and my aunt and uncle today which was nice. It's good knowing that family isn't far away. I think once my classes start and I get more used to the apartment and my surroundings this place will feel more like "home". I hope everyone is doing well and I will try to update this blog as frequently as I can.

Heres to my first year away from home

Update

2008-05-14T10:08:00.000-07:00

Hello, to all those who still by chance read this.

It has been awhile since I have posted and I understand this blog has gone perhaps a little to the wayside.

Nonetheless I thought I would make an update.

I finished my first semester of college at Ivy Tech and got two B's. One of the B's came from English 111 which I'm quite proud of because some of the writing assignments in that class were very difficult and pushed my writing ability in ways that it hadn't been pushed in High School.

I'm glad Summer is here. All my friends are home and it looks like it will be a pretty fun Summer.

I'm taking my first college level History course starting next week and I'm excited as well about that. I'm considering History as a potential major down the road and I think my first taste of the college level history will give me a good impression of what the road ahead might be like.

I'm made a promise to myself back in January... (No not a resolution) That I would become more active and healthy this summer. So far I think I'm doing pretty well. I have been going over to my grandparents several days a week to use their stationary bike and treadmill. I also have recently rekindled my love for Tennis. I went out and bought a new racket and plan to play as often as I can this summer.

Things are looking up

Sam

Answers

2008-03-03T22:37:00.000-08:00

Life is complicated. Perhaps this is one of the few things I have come to fully grasp in my youth. I wish the answers were easier to find.

I've never really been a go-getter. I know I can do stuff if I put my mind to it. Yet much of my life I have spent coasting. Maybe I chose, and still do choose to coast because its the most comfortable thing to do, yet part of me thinks that I'm just seeking an answer. I'm trying to figure out who I am.

I don't think finding oneself is something that can be accomplished by step by step directions passed down by those who have walked the roads before. Maybe it's the crazy transcendentalist ideals in me that makes me say this, but I really believe happiness can only be found by individuality. Even if it is in the smallest form.

Some nights I sit awake feeling trapped in my own room. I suppose a large part of it is loneliness. I miss my friends and my girlfriend, who are all off at college, hours away from me. This is not something I can be bitter about. To quote the rock band Creed "I created my own Prison" At the same time I cannot deny my feelings. I'm not happy with where I'm at right now.

I'm doing okay in school. I can't say I especially like it. I'm pleased that I'm able to do it. I seriously doubted I would have the ability to even function in the school environment ever again. However as of now I'm really not learning much and I seriously doubt at times I have the self discipline or the desire to stick with it.

The fact is, I'm not really a school person. With the utmost honesty, I can say that the main reason I'm in school is because of pressure from family, friends, and peers. I understand that it is a means to an end. I understand the job market is for shit right now and education or training is essential to secure a good job. I hate feeling like this though. Part of me feels like a quitter for thinking this.

I want a good job. Who doesn't? However what I don't want is to spend a bunch of time in school chasing after a pie in the sky. The sad truth of life is that education doesn't always lead to happiness. I find myself wondering if college is the right choice for me. This is part of my quest for answers.

Kim and I have been together for almost 2 years. We have talked strongly about a future together, and I want to be able to make a decent wage and live comfortably.

Part of me wishes there was a giant store of road maps for life that I could go to and find just the right answers I've been looking for. While I may be idealistic, I certainly have the sense to know that such fantasies are a waste of time.

I've been thinking about a two-year degree in some type of future oriented technological job. I want to find a career that isn't too hard to get into, but offers good opportunity for advancement. I like earning achievements, I do. I wish I could apply this to future endevours as a student but there is so much useless crap that I have to trudge through will almost no immediate gratification. Call me lazy.. but it's not worth my time to chase after something I won't receive any benefit from until years down the road.

Yet another part of me wishes I could be a famous writer or radio personality working out of my home and being entertained by my work.

In any case, I'm still looking for answers however cryptic they might be.

Spring is on it's way.. I think

Heres to good times, and warm weather ahead,

Sam

February Stars

2008-02-09T23:47:00.000-08:00

I apologize for the hiatus, I can't say I've been in too much of the mood to write lately. The creative energy just hasn't been there I guess.

However as I sit down tonight with a hot mug of Lipton's bedtime story tea and the music of Dave Brubeck playing softly I find my mind wandering and forming the thoughts required for a blog post.

As many know, I started school again. I'm officially a freshmen at Ivy Tech Community College Ft. Wayne. I was pleasantly surprised at how well the transition went. I was struggling with quite a bit of apprehension going into it. However college class isn't too much different from high school. It's a lot better though in the fact that students are actually treated like adults.

It's funny, in High School teachers always preached about treating us like adults but in one way or another they rarely actually did. Attendance was mandatory, homework was mandatory, and one had to raise their hand to use the bathroom. It was impossible not to feel trapped in a dungeon at times. Not to say that we didn't find ways to escape the reality of force fed education.
I like to think that I thrived in the classes that allowed the most freedom. For instance, Yearbook class. That was a class regarded by almost the entire student body as a pure "blow-off" class. Yet I used my time in their to transform the school's laughing-stock of a newspaper into a halfway decent and consistently read newspaper. I guess I have always been so strongly against the grain when it comes to education though. K-12 schooling is all about numbers, statistics, and grades. When it came to learning I found only a handful of classes that really allowed students to learn for the benefit of mind and soul rather than grades. I like to think that my creative writing class junior year really improved my writing ability. Not only that, but it allowed me to embrace my writing, to trust that what I had to say was important even if it was only important to myself. Sure there were grades in that class but mainly for just turning in work. I don't think I ever embraced a class so much. Even to this day I think the writing I produced in that class really pushed me as a writer and the result was some of the best quality writing I have ever created...... by the way Mrs. J if you ever read this...you are the best!

Anyways, in a nutshell college is pretty cool. I like the atmosphere, the freedom, and the really diverse mix of people in all my classes.

Yeah I would say, I'm content with life right now.

-To be continued.

My Great Aunt Toodoo

2008-01-16T21:05:00.000-08:00

I once said that one of the reasons I blog is because it's therapeutic to me. Tonight I want to reflect on something that is of emotional significance to me. I hope that writing this will provide me some salve on the emptiness I feel right now.

I got the news yesterday that my Great aunt "toodoo" as we have always called her is on her death bed.

Toodoo was my favorite relative as a young kid. I remember hearing news of her coming to Ossian or us taking a trip to her hometown of Elgin Illinois and that always seemed to lift my young spirit. There was something about her that just made me happy. Perhaps it was that she loved to be around kids and would always spoil her "grandchildren" with gifts and affection. More than that it was her natural lovingness towards me that made me feel good. Toodoo was someone that would make me feel so special just by all the attention she would give me. Some of my fondest memories of her are the nice spring and summer days when she would walk me down town in the stroller where we would watch the cars drive by.

When I was just a few days old I received my first teddy bear. It was a rather plain looking bear that I would later call just simply by the name "bear." The bear was given to me by Toodoo. The bear was like my "blanky" as a kid. I would never sleep without it and would always regard it as my most important belonging. I loved that bear because it came from my favorite aunt. The bear served as a constant reminder of her. At that time seeing Toodoo was not a common event. She lived in Illinois and then in Iowa for awhile.

As I grew older I never lost my fondness for her. In grade school and early middle school I remember the occasional phone call from her. We would talk on the phone for great lengths of time and I would tell her about all my classes and my teachers. I remember her always asking if "I had found a girlfriend yet." She would always tease me about things like that, in a loving way of course. I just remember talking about anything and everything. When she came to town I would show her all my toys and video games, and the funny thing was she always seemed interested. It was as if she was just pleased to spend time with me.

It was shortly after that we found out she was in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's. With some effort my family was able to get her moved from Elgin or Iowa... wherever she was living, into a small apartment in Ossian where we could provide care to her if needed.

Toodoo lived only a block from my house then. I remember going over there often with my cousin and brother. At that time Toodoo was still "with it" for the most part. She watched TV, made food for herself on occasion, and was able to carry on real conversations. It was nice, I remember thinking that too. In a sense it was almost as if to me "she belonged there" For many years as a kid I had always wished Toodoo would come live in Ossian.

I had heard alzhemiers was a disease that progressively got worse. Unfortunately I didn't realize how swift it would happen. Within 3 years Toodoo's physical deterioration along with much more severe Alzheimer's proved too much a risk for her to be living alone. That was when my family made the decision to move her to the nursing home.

Now at 90 years of age that is where she will spend her final days. 3 more years of worsening Alzheimer's has put her in a near vegetative state. Yet in her final years she was well cared for. Not only was she well cared for but she was well liked by the other patients and staff. My friend who worked there for a short stint would tell me how Toodoo would always smile when he walked in the room. She would sometimes point at him and smile. I do miss Toodoo's smile.

Today I made my way over to the nursing home. Toodoo's room was already filled with some of my family and the occasional resident or nurse dropping in to give what had the tone of their final respects to Toodoo.

She was breathing from a machine and lay lifeless in the bed. It is unknown for sure how long she will live but it appears that this is the final leg of her very long, and very good life.

This is something the whole family knew would come. I know it sounds morbid, but I want her to finally go.... to finally find peace.

I had Imagined this time would be less emotional, however as I sat beside Toodoo's bed side I found myself remembering the Toodoo that I knew as a child and thinking how much I missed her.

Part of me blames myself for not making more time to go out and visit with her, and yet the other part does not. Perhaps it is selfish of me, but I have wanted to remember Toodoo in the way that I once knew her rather than the result of her disease.

I wish I could introduce her to Kim, I wish I could show her my writing and tell her all about my college classes. I wish I could tell her about my friends and my job but I can't.

I've talked recently with my Uncle about death and what happens after it. I don't pretend to be the religious type. I don't know if there is a heaven, but if there is, I certainly hope Toodoo finds a place there. She deserves it. Her heart was bigger than her body.

I remember her always telling me about how much she enjoyed our walks in the stroller when I was young. She would always comment about how I would find a bench say now"Now this is where we rest."

I wish I could tell her that one last time, someplace where she isn't crippled by disease. Some place where the air feels pleasant and the trees are green, we would find a comfortable bench. I would pass the day telling her about all that I have become......and I know she would be proud.

"Now this is where we rest"

of Politics and Race

2008-01-15T22:44:00.000-08:00

So I heard this idea called Micro blogging. It is the concept of blogging in short, frequent posts. I kind of like the idea, so forgive me if some of the posts seem a little short, or a little rushed. Since I need to get to bed in just a few tonight will be my first admitted "Micro-Blog"

So I watched the democratic- nevada- caucus- front-runner-debate tonight on MSNBC.

I thought it was fairly bland. The majority of it was the three candidates agreeing that the Democratic party will effectively unite; and in turn "pwn" (online lingo for OWN/prove better than) the Republican party in 08.

Which hopefully will be the case. There is been 3 primaries for the GOP and 3 winners. It appears that the GOP just can't find a candidate to unite around. Ain't that a shame

My observations:

John Edwards: Dude your a good man but I can't beleive you describe your "strength" as the ability to care for the little guy, but your "weakness" is that you care "too much." I mean, I know that is a land mine of a question but that is about the lamest answer you could possibly give. My advice to you is to go out in a blaze of glory by dropping out and throwing your support behind Barack.

Hillary Clinton: You looked pretty old tonight. Unfortunately for Barack Obama though your debate performance was pretty good.

Barack (da' man) Obama: Well played. Not your best, but then again what can you do when the debate hosts only ask questions in which every candidate agrees on.

The main gripe I have about tonight is the issue of race. Hillary and Barack may have declared a truce to their bickering but it doesn't change the fact that people DO vote on race. Obama tried to tone down race all right by saying that people choose on candidate on the issues, and this is very true; however they also choose a candidate on personality, appearance, religion, sex, family life, voting record and by golly the color of skin.

It's funny how the gas station clerk in town always tries to tell me that "Obama will never get elected, this country is too prejudiced. I certainly hope he isn't right. But at the same time when I think about it, I want Obama to be elected for a myriad of reasons, one of the main ones is because he is black. I think overcoming racial barriers is a damn good thing, and it's something this country needs. At the same time I know there is probably people out there who will vote against Obama simply because he is black. I'm young, but I'm not that naive.

As much as Hillary and Obama may want to divert the issue, it doesn't change the fact that it is what it is. Obama is black, Hillary is a woman; and both are trying very hard to be the "first"

Thats my two

Politics as usual.

2008-01-09T19:13:00.000-08:00

I have really taken a long break from this. Which I apologize to not only you (my faithful viewers) but to myself for letting the animated violence of new video games, and creating a perfect iTunes playlist of all the songs from Guitar Hero III kept me from writing.

I thought I would start with a long winded introduction concerning the finer points of my Christmas and New Year, yadayada. But after a quick calender check it appears that it is January 9th. The Holidays are all but a thing of the past.

Here is whats new with me:

I start school January 15th. I'm starting off slow like I planned to with two classes. I will be going to Ivy Tech for those who don't know. I'm ready. I wouldn't say I'm excited ready... but I'm ready to make the necessary plunge. I just gotta do it.

Alright, now on to more pressing matters. Like Politics.

I'm definitely into this years primary. I would say "into" might not be a good enough word though. Perhaps "Unhealthily addicted to" would be a better phrase. Last night I sat glued to CNN as if it were political porn or something. I watched it for the better part of 3 hours.

I might as well get it out on the table. I heart Barack Obama. I have been a fan since the Democratic National Convention last year when he delivered one of the greatest political speeches in recent memory. I read his book "The Audacity of Hope," and I'm currently working on his other book "Dreams from my Father." I think he has the potential to be one of the best presidents in history.

As you may know Hillary Clinton won the primary in New Hampshire last night. The polls predicted a big win by Barack and instead it turned out to be a close second. This is pretty messed up considering the polls have been right in every other instance.

The pundits believe it's because of how she got teared up after being asked a personal question during a conference.

This has ignited quite the fire of cynicism in me. Seriously though, those tears were either fake or Hillary Clinton has a naturally different look than most people do when they are getting "teared up, or crying"

I don't see how the minds the minds of the people in New Hampshire (as fickle as the might be) actually buy that crap.

I think Hillary would make a decent president. Shes got a decent track record, shes got the right ethical ideas (for the most part) but America doesn't need a "decent" president. We NEED a GREAT President. We need a president that actually comes of as a breath of fresh air. A president that can prove that everyone can make a difference not just politicians. That president that I describe is the President Barack Obama will turn out to be.

Santa Claus is coming to town!!

2007-12-09T21:15:00.000-08:00

Hello again my dear viewers,

It is that time again. Christmas is drawing ever closer. Which of course demands that I post a long insightful bit about the splendor of life, love, and the pursuit of material goodness.

I love Christmas time. I suppose that might be naive to say at nineteen years of age but none the less I love the cheer of the season.

With that said, I've been wanting to get something off my chest.... Here goes...

I like Christmas music.....There I said it! Don't hate me.

It's true, I came to the self realization this year that once the snow starts falling, and Christmas lights pop up, I ENJOY LISTENING TO CHRISTMAS MUSIC. Phew.... I feel like I just came out of the closet of Christmas music liking... I even made a mix of Christmas songs. But before you Scrooges out there begin to think less of me let me explain; I like classy Christmas music. I'm not talking about the poppy Christmas crap of todays generations. I'm talking about the OLD suff, like Sinatra, Bing Crosby, Gene Autry, And Ellla Fitzgerald. Many of the songs by these "crooners" date back to the 40's. But don't get me wrong, it is my belief that Christmas music should NOT be played until the very least the day after Thanksgiving, and must immediately stop the day after Christmas.

I hung ornaments on the Christmas tree today. It is one of my favorite parts of Christmas. I'm not sure why I like it so much. I suppose ever since I was a kid I've loved to hang ornaments. As I sat by the tree today sipping coffee I remembered the joy I felt as a kid when the tree would slowly get more shimmer, and eventually fill up underneath with brightly wrapped gifts.

Speaking of gifts, for once I'm actually on time with Christmas shopping. This is due to two reasons. The first reason being that I told myself I would not do it before last minute this year and the second is because I forced myself into as much online shopping as was possible to do. Don't get me wrong; I think online shopping is convenient and fast but it also can be fun to go out to actual stores too. Anyways, If you read my last post you will know I'm not great at managing my money. A few months back I bought a DVD off amazon.com, and used a free trial membership to their "prime" service to get free shipping. Unfortunately I forgot to cancel that free membership and my checking account was charged almost $80.00 dollars for a year subscription. The prime membership gives me access to free 2 day shipping on most items which is a great value but it's not worth what I was charged for it. So I've decided to get the most out of it and shop online this year. So far its working out pretty well, so at least I've done my best to fall on my feet I guess.

In other random and disconnected news,

Work is going well. Except for the recent Ice Storms which makes taking pizzas to someones door like skating across an ice rink filled with random objects. Though, The tips have been pretty good.

The playoffs for my family's Fantasy Football league are in sight. Unless Marques Colston plays the best game of the season, I will beat my brother winning my 4th consecutive game and will secure the 4th playoff seat. I've got my fingers crossed!

Also, I love Guitar Hero but I'm seriously stuck on 3s and 7s by Queens of the Stone Age on hard. The main riff is so damn hard. I seriously think I'm gonna chuck the guitar out the window in a minute.

In the event of admitting guilty pleasure music, I might be sacrificing some of my masculinity to admit this, but I also really like John Mayer. Although Most known for his radio overkilled pop fests like "Your body is a wonderland" He is actually a damn good guitarist. I mean the dude can seriously play some delicious blues/jazz guitar. Don't believe me? Listen to his cover of Hendrix's "Bold as Love" There is some face melting soloing. Also if you don't trust his guitar ability on his own work try out "Back to You" for some crisp jazzy licks. It's not as fast but it is really tasty.

Going back to Guitar Hero, and relating to non-guilty pleasure music; I obtained a copy of "Mothership" Led Zeppelin's newest greatest hits album with tracks awesomely remastered and hand picked by the now reunited members. In the light of talking about good guitar, I'm just gonna come out and say this: Jimmy Page is a Guitar God. I mean seriously listen to the solo in "Heartbreaker".... It's like putting one's face in a oven. I mean it seriously rocks! There is no reason in the world why Zeppelin is not featured in any of the guitar hero games. I sat and pretended to play the songs with my little plastic guitar and enjoyed it the other day! I can only imagine how fun it could be in the real game. But seriously if for whatever lame reason you don't like Zeppelin, go and listen to "Mothership" and come back to me. Without trying to sound like a self righteous zeppelin zealot, it will blow your mind.

Well thats all folks,

I can't guarantee how much I will update during the holidays but I'll do my best!

Sam

1984 and other thoughts.

2007-12-02T21:52:00.001-08:00

I just got back a few hours ago from my 4 day weekend in Bloomington. It was well worth the trip as always. It was great to see my lovely girlfriend Kim and my 3 cousins Alex, Jilayne, and Chaz. Unfortunately I can fairly say I went over my budget for the trip as I seem to do every time. I always run into unexpected expenses no matter how much I plan. Oh well. As I said before I definitely enjoy going there and it is worth it, even if I go a few bucks over budget. That is not to say it's not irksome though. I used to not be so anal about money. I don't know if I'm just getting more mature about it, or becoming a tightwad. I guess either outcome is possible. Kim pointed out that ever since the Canada trip I have been more aware of my money, which I suppose is true. The Canada Trip http://thisiscanada.blogspot.com/ was a rather costly en devour. I think part of it though is not so much a single moment in time but the gradual realization that I will have college coming up soon and it will indefinitely become a black hole on my bank account. Besides Christmas is just around the corner and I can't underestimate the cost of that either.

Driving home tonight gave me couple solid hours to finish my latest muse of an audio novel. 1984 By George Orwell. In short, the book is none short of profound. However I owe it more than such a short description.

The Book was written in 1948 and provides a dystopian view of the future through Orwell's politically charged imagination. The novel centers around Winston Smith a middle class person living in the totalitarian society of Oceania. Winston dares to stray from the ideals of the party and "big brother" the famous character from the Novel. This is the main focus of the plot.

The novel was really gripping for a number of reasons. The first reason was that I felt like Orwell was way ahead of his time (literally) in how the novel was written. The language was clear and concise and the way he paints out the lifestyle of "the future" is in many ways strikingly real. Orwell also provides a lot of good characterization and details to bring the novel to life. However the main reason why this book blew my mind was how disturbing it was and how easily it got under my skin. Not only does Orwell describe the utter dehumanization of millions of people but he makes it seem so painful tangible. While I read the book I remembered thinking several times how glad I am to have the simple freedoms our society and government allows. For example the blog I'm writing at this moment is an exercise in Freedom of Speech. In the society from the book I would have been killed for "thought crime." While this might seem absurd the more one thinks about it the more possible it appears that a government entity with enough power has the power to completely control a human being. One of the abilities of the government in the book was the ability to control peoples minds. The scary thing is it wasn't by some futuristic technology but rather the total control of all media so as to completely control the information that people received regardless of it were true or not. The Novel ultimately begs the question, What if a Stalin/Hitler esque Totalitarian society was able to survive and evolve? It is something that is not totally unthinkable. Also what if the said society was able to realize its own evil and accept it as a means to gain power for the mere lure of power itself.

This was definitely an awesome read, and I highly recommend it. However it obviously wasn't much of a feel good book. In fact the only redemption it offers might be the warning it hides beneath it's pages.

That's about all I got tonight,

Sam

Post Thanksgiving update

2007-11-26T20:57:00.000-08:00

So it's officially 2 days after Thanksgiving weekend as I write this, and I'm back on the blogging scene, watch out endless void that is the internet.

I suppose I should start with saying that I had a great Thanksgiving, I pwned a lot of turkey, got to see my girlfriend, and best friend, as well as all of my near and dear relatives. In all it was a great holiday. I have always loved how close our family is, something that always shows when we fill my Uncles House to the point of it probably being a fire hazard every Thanksgiving. This year we had 25 people. We managed to get everyone on one long table too! Though one long table is a little bit deceiving, as it was actually several that were put together.

It is so damn rainy outside. This weather is terribly depressing. Truthfully I have a soft spot for snowy weather and I would much rather it start snowing than raining.

Not a whole lot is new with me. I decided to start reading again.. well sort of. I started listening to an audiobook. It is the Novel 1984 by George Orwell. It is an American classic of sorts. I listened to several chapters tonight on my iPod at work. I love my Ipod.. It seriously has changed my life. Anyways, I'm glad to get back to reading. It is one of those things that I always feel guilty if I'm not doing it. Reading is like brain food Ive always thought. I have never been a big fiction reader though, Personally I find a lot of fiction to be rather meaningless. When I read a book I like to think I have become more cultured from it, or learned from it. Stephen King for example, I find to be an awesome writer. However his work can just as easily be accessed by his movies, that take much less time to digest. I will admit however, I have always been a big fan of the American classics. starting Junior year of Highschool I fell in Love with Ernest Hemingway, and soon devoured other authors like Steinbeck, Faulkner and, Fitzgerald. I spent many hours in class reading the classics rather than paying attention to the lectures and lessons that seemed to contain such less value. I guess that probably explains why I don't have a lot to show for Highschool. I don't regret it though.

I remember the first time I read Ernest Hemingway. It was his 2nd published Novel "The Sun Also Rises." I really struggled with the writing at first. I remember I nearly put the book down. Hemingway's writing seemed so to-the-point and dry. Amazingly though I decided to stick with it and it was good decision to. By the end of the book, I felt as if I had been to Pamplona Spain and ran with the bulls, and watched the bullfights, fished in the country streams, gotten wasted for nights at a time off wine and fabled absinthe and gained nothing but a profound sense that life for the characters was nothing more than events and entertainment. The novel was so achingly brilliant. I ate it all up after that.

Perhaps when I finish 1984 I can write a review on here about it.

We shall see though,

Thats all I got for now

Sam

Why politics matter

2007-11-16T22:05:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I logged onto facebook and received a message from a high school classmate of mine. In the message he stated he was planning a "goodbye" party because in February he would be leaving for Iraq.

I of course had heard rumors about the local guard unit going over to Iraq but this actually confirmed them.

The moment I finished reading it was almost like a reality check. I'm so used to hearing about the war on the internet, and TV, but to actually know that someone I went to school with and regularly talked to will be going half way across the world to fight in the war is a crazy thought.

It makes me wonder how my mom must have felt being a high-schooler during the Vietnam War. One of her close friends was killed in the Vietnam War. It is a subject that is painful for her to talk about. It is really shocking to think that my Generation is almost mirroring the situation hers was in.

Our country is torn between Peace and Imperialism. We are conducting a war without logic or reason. We were lied to by going to Iraq in the first place and now were attempting to force an entire country to liberate itself and we have nearly ignited civil war between age old Islamic rivals.

Seeing that message reminded me why I care about Politics.

I care about politics because I don't want that classmate of mine to come back to U.S. soil in a body bag, or with lifelong injuries mental or physical.

I believe America is a great country because we have the power of change. We must use it. I see many young people my age and older who just don't think it matters but IT DOES. These may be the defining moments of our generation and we must rise to them as the generations before us did.

When pets die

2007-11-15T20:07:00.000-08:00

Today was a particularly rough day. Our family had to make the decision to put down one of our oldest and most beloved cats, "Stinky."Stinky had fallen deathly ill with kidney failure and the doctors gave her a slim chance of survival if they could even succeed in saving her kidneys. It would also be an expensive undertaking and she would have likely needed fluid shots constantly for the rest of her life. So today as I held her skinny and nearly lifeless body in my arms I went through the mental acceptance that it was the right thing to do to end her suffering. Thus is the difficult process all pet owners must some day face. They say the right things to do are not always the easiest. That is definitely true.

We had Stinky since she was a kitten and she was well taken care of. A few years ago she had liver problems and we were able to bring her back from near death by force feeding her but she was much younger then and we caught it earlier. Needless to say Stinky lived a long and comfortable life. If animals have souls I hope hers has found rest. . She was 12 years old, which is quite a bit in cat years I'm guessing.

That is a long time we are thankful to have had her as our pet. She was one of the best we could have asked for.

Of Redemption and Failure

2007-11-11T21:35:00.000-08:00

Tonight the Colts lost again. Adam Vinatieri missed two field goals (1 a potiential game winner) and Peyton Manning threw an apalling 7 interceptions. The Colts started the game looking as ugly as they have ever been and yet even tough they were down by 23 with a field full of injuries they managed to claw back from the jaws of defeat and almost clenched the victory.

I think it's easy to point fingers and get angry at the Colts but honestly I have never been more proud to call myself a fan. We mounted one of the best comebacks possible. It was the same "Never Say Die" attitude that carried the Colts through the AFC Championship last year.

The list of injuries grew tonight to an even more extraordinary level as 2nd and even 3rd person backups came into play. Like a wounded giant though, they pulled together. Even players that were injured gutted through and made it clear that they would not just be plowed over. To put it simple.. they never gave up.

I know that many NFL pundits love to pick on the Colts but tonight the Colts proved case in point why they are an inspirational team.

"I believe in Blue," as the saying goes.

..and I do believe that the colts still have EVERY bit of what it takes to be the 2008 Superbowl Champs. I also believe that a truly great Football isn't team isn't measured in blowout wins and record numbers but rather the ability to win and (lose) tough games with great stride, passion and teamwork. That is athleticism at its core.

This is why that even on nights like tonight I'm still proud to be a Colts fan.

Thats my two,

Sam

Writers Strike: Good Intentions, Bad Outcome

2007-11-10T20:09:00.000-08:00

So the title makes the intention of this post clear. The WGA (Writers Guild of America) has been on strike since November 1st. Basically for those who haven't heard the gist of the strike is that members of the WGA, (which number in the thousands) are refusing to work because they aren't receiving any money for modern media residuals like DVD sales, and internet downloads. The Strike has caused numerous popular TV shows to shut down including my favorite TV show "The Office"

I was totally stunned when I heard about the strike. Next Thursday "The Office" will show it's final new episode and then most likely will get overtaken by re-runs. This really irks me because they had like 20 more upcoming episodes.

I feel like the writers have a valid point. New media platforms like the internet are becoming ever more viable sources of watching TV and Movies. However what really bothers me is that because the writers are on strike around 90% of the other employees that work on the TV shows are getting laid off. The writers make more money than the rest of the crew and yet they have decided to take the entire ship down with them. I just have a hard time seeing how that isn't a selfish initiative.

I also dislike how Hollywood is being utterly stupid with this situation though too. It's estimated that Hollywood makes Billions of dollars. Thats right BILLIONS of dollars off the "New Media" platforms, and yet is unwilling to share even a modicum amount of that with the people who created the content in the first place. On top of that Hollywood also believes that by just showing re-runs and reality TV they will put an end to the strike on their own terms. It's so arrogant and stupid in my opinion that Hollywood thinks that the general American public will be indefinitely satisfied by watching whatever crap they put on TV. Plus, I think it is impossible for them to win this strike. They will lose incredible sums of money when eventually the movie industry goes dead. The actors might want to work, but without professional writers to write scripts there will be no movies to act in.

For the sake of decent entertainment I hope both sides get off their collectivly selfish asses and reach an agreement. Because the way I see it right now it's a lose-lose-lose situation. The writers don't get paid, Hollywood doesn't make money, and the American public has to watch crap.

The road of life

2007-11-06T21:30:00.000-08:00

I have a playlist on my iTunes called "Reflection Mix." It is a hodge podge of songs encompassing several genres of music. Most of the tunes are "mellow" in character. It is my playlist for the times when I simply want to "think"

The soothing jazz/blues guitar of David Gilmour is taking me to another place tonight.

The news came tonight that my mother lost the local election she was running in. She will be leaving her job of 16 years. She is devastated to leave it yet I know she maintains a spark of optimism. She has always relied on a strong belief that "Things are meant to happen." She has often told me "God never closes one door without opening another."

I do not care to call myself A Christian. Yet every part of me wants to believe what she says. I wish I had the ability to gracefully accept that which I cannot comprehend. I have seen the comfort it can bring.

I believe that life comes together as a tapestry of events woven together by all the little choices we make everyday. I think that man is mostly in control of his own destiny. We choose which path to take, yet every path is filled with chance, luck, and circumstance. It is these things that make life exciting.

I hope my mom can come to embrace the change. Lately I have been contemplating the changes I must make. In January I will go back to school. I know I have bickered about it before but my emotions have begun to slowly change lately. I'm beginning to be excited about it. I miss the mental stimulation of school. Plus, even as a person who is slow to accept change, I still know it is necessary. I remind myself of when I switched employment a year and half ago. It was scared to make the change, and it brought many challenges. Yet I now have a job that I like much better.

It is easy to find reasons to justify our situations, However hindsight is always 20/20. Perhaps the best thing we can do is just accept the choices we make and enjoy the ride on the road of life.

I think this line from Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven describes my feelings better than I can

"Yes there are two paths you can go by
but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on"

Football: The Great American Drama

2007-11-05T22:21:00.000-08:00

Hello All,

Sorry about my little hiatus,

My computer has been out of commission lately as I was in the process of upgrading my video card. Since I'm a PC gamer (Pause for laughter and nerd jokes) I have the wonderful pleasure of upgrading my video card more times than I change my underwear... JK JK :) But enough of this babble.

As many of you know one of the greatest match ups in Pro Football occurred Sunday as the Indianapolis Colts faced off against the New England Patriots. For those of you who don't know I'm a Colts fan. It was one of the most media hyped Football games to occur in recent memory. The Patriots were the media favorite, as they almost always have been. The won the game by a score of 24-20. Though I have my thoughts about how both teams performed, I do not intend for this post to be a rant, or even a description of the game.

As my family and I sat around the tube watching the game and eating delicious chicken quesadillas my oldest cousin asked "I don't see how people can get so into watching sports." I don't recall anyone responding to her. My girlfriend Kim often complains to me the same thought.

I think to answer that question I must first explain why I'm a Colts fan.

The first reason is simple. Ever since I was old enough to contemplate NFL Football the colts have been at least a decent team. Lets face it, Nobody wants to root for a team that sucks. It's far more interesting to watch a team that is good than a team that is bad. When I say a "good" team I don't even mean an all-star team. It just simply has to be a team that has the ability and skill to win games, and players that are interesting to watch. Of course the issue of being a "Bandwagon fan" could also be discussed here but thats another story. Becoming a fan is different than maintaining it.

The other and most important reason is because they are the Home Team. I used to like other Football teams but about 5 years ago I finally settled on the Colts as my favorite team primarily for this reason. The obvious reason to support the home team is the distance to the stadium. It's fun to watch a game in the stadium. NFL football is biggest American sporting event and fans prove that every week when they fill thousands upon thousands of seats and cheer till their throats are sore. It's awesome to experience that. The best part of rooting for the home team though for me is the sense of community I get. Football brings people together. Whether it's just a simple compliment for my Jersey at the Buffet Line, or getting together with Co-Workers to watch the game, there is something more than just the sport its self. When the Colts win I know I'm not the only person thats in a good mood. And just as they lose, I know I'm not the only person moping.

Football is an awesome sport. It is a sport that combines physical tenacity, with great skill. Unlike many other sports the Football season ends with a single game that carries more weight and bragging rights than any other sport in the U.S. It's also a long way to the top, and getting there for any team will always leave a great story.

The Game itself always leaves great stories. Stories like David Vs. Goliath, or Good Vs. Evil. It could represent the perseverance of the human spirit when a team makes a great comeback. Or the solidarity in accepting a close defeat. It is a game that can evoke so many emotions. There is no feeling like following a team all the way through the entire season to see them Win a super bowl. It's like watching a great movie, with every season game the plot evolves and deepens, and finally the movie finishes with an ending that lingers in your mind for days to come.

For these reasons I have come to love the game of Football for the Great American Drama that it is.

Times like these

2007-10-23T22:18:00.000-07:00

Monday was Kim's 21st birthday. Unfortunately I was not there to celebrate it with her. As the clock struck midnight and she became another milestone older and I had nothing but bittersweet words of congratulations to offer over a telephone line. This has been the story of my life lately though. It seems like every day I have been away from High school and away from my friends I become slightly more "disconnected." It is an ironic word I suppose.. In this age I remain connected to them in so many ways, most people I care about are only a click or a call away.. and yet I still feel a tremendous sense of distance times. It's not a sense of anger.. or jealously that I feel.. but rather a feeling of being lost.. Yet I'm "lost" in a place that has always been home to me. The people, the houses, the roads, the buildings, the jobs, and the community that have always brought me comfort are now offering it in more scarce amounts it seems. I know there are many roads to choose but I just don't know which is the right one.

I've enrolled in classes at Ivy Tech in Ft. Wayne. I'm going to Ivy Tech not by choice but more by circumstance. I tried to get into IPFW but got rejected. It is a hard thought to swallow even still. I couldn't even get into IPFW, the main Ft. Wayne community college. Some people make fun of me, and other people try to cheer me up and encourage me. Both concepts frusterate me. I either feel stupid, or feel like I'm being told what to do.

I'm the only one to blame for my destiny though. I gave up in Math in Highschool and struggled with Science. I took a placement test for IVY tech that placed me at a "Pre-Algebra" math level. The idea floors me. I'm so bad at Math I put myself as far back as middle school. Unfourtunately I need to be at a College level in Math before I can transfer to IPFW. That means several semesters of remedial Math. It makes me frusterated beyond words. In fact It is waste of me typing how much I struggle at Math because nobody can possible understand, and thus nobody can possibly offer advice that will not just frusterate me more.

I had to get alot of tutering from my cousin to pass the ISTEP back in Highschool. We spent alot of time in the Summer working on hypothetical math problems. To my amazement, I passed the test...barely.

Yet I learned two lessons from this: A. I can do any math I put my mind to. and B. It's probably not worth my energy.

It sucks,

Truthfully I'm excited to take college classes. I would love to take college level writing, English, History, and Social Studies classes yet I'm held back by this damn brain of mine that can't digest some uber smart politician's idea of correct "standards" of Mathmatics.

My family has been supportive-ish of me in my endevours though. I say ish merely because I pretty much haven't felt this lowley of myself and my ambitions since middle school. When I broke the news I wanted to take a break, I hoped for some positive reinforcment and some guidence.. But all I got was a feeling of disaproval. I have never felt so abandoned by those I thought I could count on. This is simply how I felt, and I can't just undue feelings because someone says to. But as I said supportive-ish before, I still maintain the "support" part. That is because I know they all mean the best for me. I know they don't want me to falter and be left with a path that I did not want, or choose.

I will try Ivy Tech. The best thing I can do is go in an try my best. If I dont make it at least I can dropout knowing that I gave it my best shot. I know this is the right thing to do.

In the meantime, I guess I have to just take things a day at a time. I can be thankful for what I have. I like my job and the people I work with. I feel like I have somewhat of a social life when I go into work on Friday and there is lots of people there. I can also be thankful for technology which is keeping me closer to my friends than I give credit to.

Alas I keep telling myself there is a place in this world for me somewhere. I will find it one of these days.

Thats all I got...

until next time,

sam

S.D.A.W.M.A (Sleep Deprevation Associated with Mild Arachnophobia)

2007-10-18T22:30:00.000-07:00

WARNING: This post contains reflections of a personal encounter with an arachnid commonly known as a "SPIDER" If you have trouble dealing with the thought of said creature please refrain from reading this post. assiram

I have had trouble sleeping lately.

Two Nights ago, I went downstairs for a drink and returned to my room see a rather large spider on the wall slightly above my bed. I trapped it in a glass for momentary identification and then with the supervision of dad, flushed it down the drain of our sink. I can't say I have an irrational fear of spiders, but at the same time the event unnerved me greatly. I did not fall asleep until after my brother left for school. My parents both teased me about getting so flustered by it. However they ought to be glad it's dead because it looked similar to what a brown recluse looks like. I'm not a spider identifying expert though.

I found another similar looking spider on our porch today. The spider had built a massive flat web in the corner of our porch. The web contained an assortment of bugs the spider had trapped, and destroyed. Though I'm a far superior being, I still was impressed by the little bastard's hunting job. The spider oddly enough bore identical features as the one found in my room, though larger.

Naturally my first instinct was to leave the spider alone. It had obviously done a great job of killing other bugs, some of which were mosquito's. However at the same time, I imagined the spider breeding more spiders and a potential house invasion like the one previously mentioned.

I knew what had to be done.

I went to our basement and grabbed a large bottle with clear liquid in it. It was a bottle of insect spray. On the back I searched the long list of little critters it was capable of killing. Almost at the bottom of the list was the predator of choice; the spider.

Contemplating the task ahead, I summoned my brother to witness the spider killing about to happen knowing he would be entertained by my deed.

I showed him to the web, pointing to a small tunnel in the web where the little dweller was hiding.

I knew I could simply blast the web itself and the job would eventually complete itself. But that would be no fun.

I told Patrick I need another bug to sacrifice to get the spider out in the main part of the web. After scouring the sidewalk for a few moments, the target came into view. It was a black ant, plenty large and quite harmless. I picked up the ant and made sure it couldn't bite me.

Then we quickly went back to the porch and without further a due I dropped the ant onto the spiders web. After a brief struggle the spider emerged with amazing speed out of its hole to inject it's venom and paralyze it's future meal. Patrick blurted out "oh my god" amazed by the sheer size of the spider. It was after all larger than a quarter with legs outstretched.

However as soon as it emerged and pounced on its victim, my lightning fast reflexes leveled the bottle and blasted a deadly splash of bug spray, saturating the foul beast. The spider shot back into its web almost as quick as it came out.

Knowing the show was over, I decided to take my leave but not after blasting a few more shots in the tunnel of the web and on the web itself. I know to some this might be overkill, but I wanted to leave no question that it perish.

After boasting of my successful task to my parents, I forgot about the job for a few hours.

When I returned later I found the spider shriveled into a ball in the middle of its web. dead.

What can I say... slaying spiders ain't easy but someones gotta do it.

Nightmares

2007-10-16T14:01:00.000-07:00

Today I awoke at 8 o clock.

I was sort of dazed, contemplating for a few brief seconds that I had just transferred from one body to another. Alas I had woken from a Nightmare. This was the second Nightmare in the last week I have had. I was dreaming that something was wrong with Kim and for some reason I could not contact her. The dream was amazingly vivid, and it was very disturbing to me. I remember little of it now that it is the afternoon. These last two Nightmares have been so strange. I can't say that the things I'm dreaming of have profound implications. These aren't the kind of dreams that I recognize as being significant to my inner emotions. In Psychology we learned that one of the ways to interpret the science of dreaming is that dreams are a way of providing a visual for the sub conscious. I think this is very true. However these dreams left me little to analyze. What I found most strange about them is the fact that I never reached a stage of lucid dreaming. For those who haven't heard the term. Lucid dreaming refers to the ability to realize while dreaming that the dream is a dream and not reality. Normally my mind does this for me but this did not occur to me in these previous two Nightmares. I think that my inability to realize that I was dreaming was the reason they were so vivid. These dreams brought back a memory from my childhood. I was perhaps 6-7.

When I was old enough to go back to the old cemetery behind our house, I jumped at every chance to go explore it. It fascinates me now just as much as it did then. The graves go as far back as the mid 1800's. Among the gravestones are several Civil War stones which have always intrigued the history buff in me. The cemetery has always been like a window to the past. Your probably wondering what this has to do with dreams though.. Read on

Soon after I started exploring the Cemetery I began having a stage in my life when my sleep would constantly be plagued by Nightmares. I regularly awoke at night my heart pounding in terror. I don't remember the content of the dreams anymore but I remember they scared my 7 year old mind greatly. I began spending most nights sleeping with my parents. I think they probably thought it was normal for a kid my age. Unfortunately the Nightmares kept getting worse. I remember clearly not wanting to fall asleep knowing I had to face more Nightmares. One day my mom told me she had purchased a relic from a Native American called a dream catcher. I remember being very agitated at the notion that she thought a stupid Indian toy would cure my Nightmares. I refused to put the object in my room for a number of weeks. The Nightmares did not stop though. Eventually I got over my stubbornness and hung the dream catcher in my room. Mom told me that the little wires in the middle would catch the bad dreams and let the good ones pass through. Amazingly after hanging the dream catcher in my room I stopped having Nightmares. The dream catcher has remained in my room ever since. I rarely have Nightmares anymore. I have contemplated removing it from my room to see if the dreams return but the dream catcher gives me a hint of comfort even now. I'm a believer of Science before Supernatural but I think there is an element of that stage of my life that cannot be explained. To this day I believe that the old cemetery might have had an effect on my dreams and may have even caused the Nightmares. Ever since that time I have believed firmly in the power of dreams. They provide a portal to the mind that in some way we never be able to fully explain.

Fall is finally here

2007-10-10T15:19:00.000-07:00

Today Autumn finally covered the landscape of Ossian. Lately the temperatures have been in the 90's, hardly imaginable for October. Yet today the temperatures settled around 50 degrees.

I decided to walk down to the Brew-Ha, our local coffee shop to get something warm to drink. It felt nice outside. The sky was overcast, and wind was gently rustling the yellow and crimson leaves that dotted many of the trees. The air felt cool, and slightly rigid on my face. A big change from the stuffy humid air of Summer. It was also very calm and serene. Other than the wind and the cars driving up and down main street there seemed to be little activity.

I like fall. I can't say it is my favorite season but I like many things about it. Fall represents such a change. Summer is brilliant at first but by August it has usually changed to sweltering heat, and stagnation. Fall represents something more along the lines of inner solitude. This however, is not a solitude of sadness but more one of inner peace and understanding. We make changes in ourselves, just like the weather. We trade our T-shirts for Sweatshirts, and our lawn mowers for rakes. With it all we also gain a renewed sense of our purposes and our desires. The lazy days of summer and the "ill do it tomorrow" attitude is traded for a clearer focus on what is to be done inside and outside of ourselves.

Perhaps I look at this with a more profound sense than I should. I'm sure not everyone would agree that a change in seasons means a change of person. Although for me, all it takes is a walk down the street to realize that my attitude is different than it was a month ago.. I can feel it.

Happy new season,

-Sam

Bad Times

2007-10-03T22:28:00.000-07:00

I had a bad night tonight.

Originally I didn't have to work. I was only scheduled 3 days this week and Wednesday wasn't one of them. I figured I would try and pick up some hours though.

I feel like such a bum when I have a lot of days off. While the prospect of sitting at home and doing nothing is a comforting thought at times my better judgment told me I should be at work making money. One of my fellow drivers was nice enough to give me her hours which I was thankful for. 5 o clock until close at midnight was my shift tonight.

My dad was happy I picked up hours. I think he likes to see me working a lot. I remember one day I delivered to Buckhorn while he was on lunch break. He seemed really excited to see me. Later that night he told me that he was really proud of me. I was perplexed and asked him why.. to which he didn't really have an answer other than that "I was workin and doing my job." That has stuck with me though. My dad works extremely hard. The hours he works seems almost nightmarish to me, especially at a job where people only temporarily last... It is a source of inspiration to me in a way. In a way, I hope that whatever I end up doing in life I can be as committed to it as dad is to working at Buckhorn.

But.. I'm straying from the topic I wanted to discuss...

As I said.. I had a bad night tonight..

I had a delivery for Sunrise way off of Dustman road in Bluffton. Sunrise way is a small street that sits next to another small street "Sunset Dr". The latter of the two is surprisingly much more of a bad area even though its in the same vicinity.

anyways, the delivery was routine at first. I slowly crept down the street eyeballing the dimly let house numbers until I arrived at the right address.

I got out of my car and began heading up to the front door when I promptly fell in a ditch.

It took me completely by surprise... Originally I thought I had fallen into a manhole or something. It was deep, watery, and very muddy.. more of a pit than a ditch. The first few seconds I was sort of in shock. My mind was adjusting to what had just happened. I was able to pull one of my feet out but the other was deeply lodged in the muck. I Pulled hard, and at first I nearly panicked feeling like I was stuck in the mud and sinking even further. The mud was already up to my thighs. By this time the people who's house it was were eyeballing me curiously from the doorway. By the time they started heading towards me I had managed to free myself from the pit. Needless to say I was covered in mud. My legs were caked and my boots felt like they weighed 10 pounds more than normal. The people thought I had fallen but quickly realized I had fallen into the mud pit in their yard. At first I still kind of in shock. I just sort of stood there sopping in muddy pants. Somehow the pizza was okay.. She quickly began to explain how upset she was about it and how it was city property that they would not properly take care of it. She explained the water had been there for 3 weeks and the city refused to do anything until the water went away. I couldn't hardly believe it.

We finished the transaction and by that time I had made a phone call to my manager who had arrived with trash bags to cover my car seat and pedal area while I got a change of clothes. I took off towards Ossian.

When I arrived at home, I undressed on the porch and went inside to put on clothes. The mud was so bad though that it had actually seeped through my pants and my legs were covered in it. So not only did I have to change clothes but I had to wash my legs too!

Tomorrow I'm going to find out if I can file and incident report or something. I missed an hour of work because of my mud bath .

And if thats not bad enough, when I finally arrived at home I bumped into dads truck when parking in front of my house. The damage is minimal I think. Just a black streak of plastic that rubbed off from dads bumper.

A perfect end to a perfectly messed up night I guess.

More to come later.

-Sam

A Fresh Start

2007-10-01T22:23:00.000-07:00

Welcome; Friends, Family, and strangers. This is my new blog.

The decision was simple really. After taking my recent road trip to Canada and blogging the adventure I realized how much I miss writing. Since I have been out of school I haven't really been writing much. I had forgotten how therapeutic it was to me. A new blog seemed appropriate I guess. I like using blogger better than Xanga I think.. It seems more mature.

I hope this will serve as a portal for my thoughts, and imagination. I will attempt to update this regularly. Let me know if you enjoy it.

Thank you, and welcome to Good Times Bad Times (Redux)